Becoming Divorced

2005-11-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

Parental Hostility: What Will This Bring To Your Children's Life? by Ruben Francia

One of the most important factors influencing kids' adjustments to their parents' separation or divorce is the level of parental hostility. How bad or how well children go through the divorce depends on how the situation is handled.

To give you concrete idea on what parental hostility will bring to your child, a list of several studies conducted by different researchers relative to hostility between parent and it's impact to child's development are herein presented.

One study conducted by Raschke and Raschke (1979) about parental hostility concluded that inter-parental conflict in divorced families had the most harmful effect on the children's self-concept; and conflict in general had a negative effect on child development.

Emery (1982) in his research concluded that open hostility over time, in both divorced and married families, causes more harm to children than does indirect hostility.

Shaw and Emery (1987) in their studies found that the higher the rate of externalized hostility between parents witnessed by children, the higher the level of distress for children. When compared with other family stresses, parental conflict appeared to have the most negative effect on children, and open conflict did more harm that internalized feeling of anger.

Camera and Resnick (1989) studies on divorced families concluded that inter-parental hostility and conflict, when exhibited through verbally aggressive and physical abusive behavior, had extremely negative results for children, who in turn often showed aggressive and abusive behavior in their own social lives.

Johnston, Gonzalez and Campbell (1987) study concluded that high levels of hostility between parents resulted, at the early stages, in high levels of depression, withdrawal and aggressive behavior in their children. Longer periods of inter-parental hostility became accurate predictors of long-term adjustment difficulties for children.

The above studies and researches all agree that parental hostility and conflict have the most negative effect on children and to their development. All these suggest how important it is for both parents to work together co-parenting their children.

If you are having difficulty parenting with your children's other parent then make your move now. Remedy your situation by getting a free copy of my ebook "8 Essential Steps To Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Likewise, you can learn effective divorce parenting from my other ebook "101 Ways To Raise 'Divorced' Children to Successfully." For more information, please visit my website.

With the above information, I hope you will become an empowered divorced parent and believe that you can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorce.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-11-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

What 3 Greatest Gift You Can Give To Your Children by Co-Parenting? by Ruben Francia

A successful divorce is one in which the parents divorce each other but do not require the child to divorce one of the parents, either as a result of parental conflict or by one parent not being available to the child.

It is a well-established fact that a child experiencing the dissolution of the family structure will do better if the parents are able to get along and reduce trauma in an already traumatic experience. Co-parenting can be a viable option when it is implemented by parents who want it to work because they understand that the child's needs supersede their own self interest, and it can be successful and rewarding for both the child and the parents.

So, what exactly the 3 greatest gift you can give to your children by co-parenting? Read on and I will reveal it to you the 3 greatest gift you can give by co-parenting.

1. Co-parenting will let your children focus on what really matters to them.

Supportive co-parenting is important for a child's well being. Children need to experience a strong and cooperative relationship between their parents. Mothers and fathers who agree on most parenting issues and who support each other's efforts create an environment that allows children to grow and thrive. This type of atmosphere gives children the opportunity to focus on what matters to them, such as school, their friends and activities and not their parents' disagreements.

Children experience supportive co-parenting when they receive the same message from both parents and when they observe their parents supporting each other's parenting efforts.

When mothers and fathers can agree on parenting decisions, the positive benefits of co-parenting are seen. These decisions range from the routine, such as agreeing that bedtime is 8 p.m., to the philosophical, such as beliefs about what is best for the child.

2. Co-parenting will minimize the level of stress your divorce brings to your children.

Cooperative co-parenting becomes the single most important element in creating a stress-free and conflict-free family plan.

Divorce brings about many changes in the life of the children. One stressful change may be in their immediate support network. This might mean a loss of friendships and school ties if the divorce requires moving. It might also include changing relationships with extended family members after the divorce.

Cooperative parents strive to keep changes at the minimum. They know that children best benefit from keeping the relationship ties in their lives that were meaningful and important to them prior to the divorce. When changes are necessary, informing the children ahead of time will help them adjust better.

3. Co-parenting will help not put your children in the middle of your divorce conflict.

The hallmark of effective co-parenting is effective communication and negotiation skills. Learning these skills will help children develop better, grow better and rarely be put in the middle of divorce conflict. Remember children don't deserve to be caught in the middle of divorce conflict. It hurt them. Divorce is never the children's business.

You now have the 3 greatest gift you can give to your children by co-parenting. Co-parenting will let your children focus on what really matters to them. Co-parenting will minimize the level of stress your divorce brings to your children. And lastly, co-parenting will help not put your children in the middle of your divorce conflict.

If you are having difficulty parenting with your children's other parent then make your move now. Remedy your situation by getting a free copy of my ebook "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Likewise, you can learn effective divorce parenting from my other ebook "101 Ways To Raise 'Divorced' Children to Successfully." For more information, please visit my website.

With the above information, I hope you will become an empowered divorced parent and believe that you can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorce.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-11-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for Preschoolers? by Ruben Francia

How do you spare your preschoolers for the negative effects of divorce? How do you promote your preschooler's healthy growth and development? The answer is appropriate divorce parenting practices.

The next question is what appropriate divorce parenting practices for preschooler really means? Let's keep things simple. All you need to know is learn how divorce affect your children. Knowing how preschoolers react to divorce will bring you to a better position of knowing the best appropriate divorce parenting practices you can give for your child.

So let's get started. How is preschoolers affected by divorce? Preschoolers commonly experience regression during parents' divorce. Children whose parents are in conflict regress to thumb-sucking, bed-wetting and other behaviors their parents assume they've outgrown.

Children at this developmental stage may think they are responsible for their parents' divorce or for their parents not living together. As a corollary to the perception that their misbehavior caused the divorce or caused a separation, preschool children often believe that if they are really good, everything will be okay again. This can be an incredibly stressful perception for a little kid, because he or she begins to carry on his or her shoulders the burden of getting mom and dad back together again.

Preschoolers may be confused, have fantasizes about reconciliation, and show difficulties in expressing their feelings. Their sense of security is affected by predictable and consistent routines.

Preschoolers may fear being left alone or abandoned altogether and may worry about the changes in their daily lives. They may deny that anything has changed, or they may become uncooperative, depressed, or angry. Although they want the security of being near an adult, they may act disobedient and aggressive.

Preschoolers exhibit signs of sadness and grieving because of the absence of one parent. Preschoolers may be aggressive and angry toward the parent they blame.

Now that you know how preschoolers react to divorce, I'm sure a lot of ideas come to your mind on what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for preschoolers. To add up to your list of ideas, here below are some of the things you should do to help your preschoolers adjust to divorce.

Repeatedly tell children that they are not responsible for the divorce. Children need to be reassured that the breakup wasn't their fault.

Discourage reconciliation fantasies. Avoid dinners, outings, or holiday celebrations with your ex-spouse; they only fuel your child's fantasies. Instead, emphasize the finality of divorce

Keep daily routines intact. Children feel more secure when there is a standard routine. Stick with bedtimes, no matter at which home the children are. Have some consistent chores. Have some time committed to the child, which is treated as sacred.

Reassure children that everything will be ok, just different. Children are invariably frightened and confused by divorce. It's a threat to their security. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect

Explain what is happening over and over again. Children this age are confused easily. In simple terms, explain where your child will live, with whom, where the departing parent will live, and who will provide care when both parents are unavailable.

Encourage your child to talk about how he/she feels. Be sensitive to children's fears. Let your child know that he or she can openly talk to you about the ups and downs of your separation or divorce.

Encourage the child to carry photographs and other keepsakes of the custodial parent when he or she leaves home to visit with the non-custodial parent. Conversely, encourage the child to keep a photograph of his or her non-custodial parent in a visible place at home.

Be sensitive to children signs of depression and fear. Seek professional help if depression is prolonged or intense.

Help non-custodial parent stay involve. Let non-custodial parent maintain a regular presence such as a phone call several times each week, messages sent on video or audiotapes.

Plan a schedule of time for children to spend with their other parent. Be supportive of children's ongoing relationship with the other parent. Remember that children generally fare best when they have the emotional support and ongoing involvement of both parents. If you have difficulty relating to your former spouse then get your free copy of my ebook "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Just visit my website and get the said ebook for free.

You can learn more divorce parenting practices appropriate for children of any age in my ebook "101 Ways To Raise 'Divorced' Children to Successfully." This ebook is a divorce parenting guide that offers many proven ways that will not only help you help your children but will also guide you on how to deal with yourself and your former ex-spouse for your children's sake. Thus, giving you complete information on how to raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. For more information, please visit my website.

With the above information, I hope you will become an empowered divorced parent and believe that you can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorce.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-11-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

How to Reorganize Your Divorce Life for Happiness? by Ruben Francia

Do your dreams, hopes and ambitions shattered by your own divorce? Do you feel completely worn out of your desire to go on with your life? Do you feel you have no more purpose or inspiration for life's achievements?

You must not let yourself think along these lines. Be positive. Divorce is said to be emotionally painful and recovery from it is terribly hard, but it should not be taken as an end of your world. Accept it, learn from it and look at it as an opportunity for a new beginning for building a better you.

Wake up and control your mind. Don't allow yourself to get overwhelm by your woes. If you cry and feel sorry for yourself, it will only bog down your ability to think clearly.

Don't allow yourself to engage reconciliation fantasies. Let it end and put it to rest. Nothing you do will change it. Instead, build your life to what you want it to be from this moment onward.

One of the first steps you need to do is to analyze your present situation. Grab a paper, write about your present situation, list down your problems and for each problem, list down your options and possible solutions. Don't worry about finding a solution for everything all at once. These activities will not right away change your present situation but will let you see clearly what your next step ought to be.

Focus and don't waste time. You must quickly regain control of your life and get on with attaining all your ambitions. You must reorganize your life for happiness after divorce.

You do this by leaving the past behind and learned from it, analyzing your present situation, and making post-divorce plan for your life. You have to decide what you want out of your life and how you intend to get what you want. Set realistic goals and target dates for attainment.

Happiness in life comes from the feeling of inner satisfaction on what you feel with whatever you do. It doesn't come from harboring grudges, by being alone or by revenge but by forgiveness and by working together for the common good.

Indeed, happiness comes from your association and inner-action with other people. Thus, following a divorce, you must immediately begin mingling with other people and not only be empathetic relative to ways in which you can help them, but also interested in them as people. The more you reach out to help others, the more help you'll receive in return; and at the bottom line, the greater your own personal happiness.

So, for you to attain happiness after a painful divorce, you must leave the past and learn the lessons they bring; make an assessment of your present situation; have a post-divorce plan for what kind of life you want to have; take actions to achieve your ambitions; help others and love your life.

If you do have children of divorce must that you have to reorganize your post-divorce life quickly. Your children's happiness and success rest on your shoulder. Never allow your divorce to ruin the life of your children. Come to think that children generally fare best when they have the emotional support and ongoing involvement of both parents. So, if you have difficulty relating to your former spouse then read your free copy of my ebook "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Just visit my website and get the said ebook for free.

Your happiness will be complete when you see your children grow successful. But post-divorce situation posts a different parenting challenge. To be able to raise successful divorced children you must equip yourself learning appropriate divorce parenting practices. It will be a great help if you have on your side a divorce parenting guide. If you want to discover how to raise happy, healthy and successful divorced children, visit my website and get a copy of "101 Ways to Raise Your Divorced Children to Success" ebook.

Again, it's a matter of getting on with your life, forgetting about the past and moving positively towards the things that you want in life.

With the above information, I hope you will reorganize your post-divorce life for your happiness and your children's success.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-11-02T17:40:00.000-08:00

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for School-Age Children? by Ruben Francia

It is being said that how bad or how well children go through the divorce depends on how the situation is handled. And believe me when I tell you that there is an appropriate divorce parenting practices for children of any age for them to be healthy, happy and successful despite you're divorce. It simple means that divorced parents can raise healthy, happy and successful children. Here, in this article, we will focus on the best appropriate divorce parenting practices for school-age children.

First, you need to understand how school-age children react to divorce. Knowing how school-age children react to divorce will bring you to a better position of knowing the best appropriate divorce parenting practices you can do for your child. So, how is school-age children affected by divorce?

School-age children are old enough to understand that they are in pain because of their parents' separation. They are too young, however, to understand or to control their reactions to this pain. They may experience grief, embarrassment, resentment, divided loyalty and intense anger.

Elementary school children begin to understand that divorce means their parents will no longer be married and live together, and that their parents no longer love each other.

Children worries about the future. They fear nobody will be there to pick him/her up from school and take care of them. It is common for them to ignore school and friendships.

Children also become aware of their parents as individuals, often fear the loss of parents, and feel sadness and anger because of their parents' divorce or separation. Self-blame, depression, and attempts to reunite parents are not uncommon in this age group.

Knowing how school-age children reach to divorce, I'm sure by now ideas flow into your mind on what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for school-age children. To add up to your list of ideas, here below are some divorce parenting practices that is best for your child.

Explain what is happening over and over again. Children this age are confused easily. In simple terms, explain where your child will live, with whom, where the departing parent will live, and who will provide care when both parents are unavailable.

Encourage your child to talk about how he/she feels. Be sensitive to children's fears. Let your child know that he or she can openly talk to you about the ups and downs of your separation or divorce.

Read books together about children and divorce. Use books to help your child talk about feelings.

Answer all questions about the changes, and keep lines of communication open. Make sure your child feels like he or she can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.

Plan special time together. Set aside special time to spend with your child but be careful not to make promises you may not be able to keep.

Repeatedly tell children that they are not responsible for the divorce. Children need to be reassured that the breakup wasn't their fault.

Reassure children of how their needs will be met and of who will take care of them.

Reassure children that everything will be ok, just different. Children are invariably frightened and confused by divorce. It's a threat to their security. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect

Talk to your child's day-care provider about the divorce. She will better understand your child's possible regressive behaviors and will likely offer extra support.

Talk to your child's teachers or school counselors about the divorce. They may then better understand possible learning or behavioral problems and will likely offer extra support.

Keep daily routines intact. Children feel more secure when there is a standard routine. Stick with bedtimes, no matter at which home the children are. Have some consistent chores. Have some time committed to the child, which is treated as sacred.

Respect, but monitor, your child's privacy.

Discourage reconciliation fantasies. Avoid dinners, outings, or holiday celebrations with your ex-spouse; they only fuel your child's fantasies. Instead, emphasize the finality of divorce

Be sensitive to children signs of depression and fear. Seek professional help if depression is prolonged or intense.

Help non-custodial parent stay involve. Let non-custodial parent maintain a regular presence such as a phone call several times each week, messages sent on video or audiotapes.

Plan a schedule of time for children to spend with their other parent. Be supportive of children's ongoing relationship with the other parent. Remember that children generally fare best when they have the emotional support and ongoing involvement of both parents. If you have difficulty relating to your former spouse then get your free copy of my ebook "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Just visit my website and get the said ebook for free.

You can learn more divorce parenting practices appropriate for children of any age in my ebook "101 Ways To Raise 'Divorced' Children to Successfully." This ebook is a divorce parenting guide that offers many proven ways that will not only help you help your children but will also guide you on how to deal with yourself and your former ex-spouse for your children's sake. Thus, giving you complete information on how to raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. For more information, please visit my website.

With the above information, I hope you will become an empowered divorced parent and believe that you can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorce.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-11-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

Top 4 Reasons Women Ride The Emotional Roller-Coaster by Dr. Shawn Byler

1. Women have learned and are in the habit of being driven by the approval of others. Most women allow the expectations of others to define them and therefore making the approval of others is responsible for their happiness. This pattern gives others the power to make and take your happiness at any time. Approval seeking steals your happiness and doesnt allow you to ever get to know yourself, your wants, your desires, or your needs. A total disconnect. Thus an up and down roller-coaster of emotions. Not a pleasant way to live.

2. Women their achievements define their value. This belief causes several problems. When you believe that you are defined by your achievements, you are unable to feel good about yourself or have strong self-esteem unless you are accomplishing or producing which does not allow for down time, relaxation or free creativity. There is no room for you to just be you. You identify yourself as results. This way of living allows for little or no joy, peace, or contentment because you are always looking for the next way to achieve. This is very different from healthy goal setting. Attaching your value to your achievements will ensure that you will not exit your emotional roller-coaster.

3. Women believe their children define them. Holding this belief can be very damaging for the parent and the child. When parents (unconsciously) hold the belief that their children define them or give them value, they will act in a way that pressures kids to perform at a standard they cannot match up to. Or parents try to force kids to have goals that the parent thinks is best and disregard what the kid or teen wants. Parents with this belief tie their sense of purpose to their childrens results or who they become. This will steal your childs own sense of worth because he/she will only feel good about themselves when they meet your standards and expectations. And quite frankly this is not the unconditional love your child deserves. This is pushing your own agenda on your kids. Children, teens, and young adults need some (increasing as they age) space to figure out what they want and what is important to them! Discover your own identity and allow your children to do the same. Anything else will push your children away emotionally as they grow up. If you depend on your childrens results (or your perception of what these results should be) you will stay on the emotional roller-coaster!

4. Women believe that their husbands are supposed to make them happy. Who of you thought when you got married (if you are married), or perhaps moved in with a significant other, that, this person will make me so happy? Or if you have experienced a divorce or a break-up, you may have thought, this person makes me so unhappy. I am simplifying a bit, but the principal is true. The problem with this thinking is that if we allow people to make us happy, then at any time that person can take our happy. Only you are responsible for your happiness. You must create or develop an inner knowing that you are completely loveable, worthy, and valuable regardless of who is or isnt a part of our life!
About the Author
Momentum Performance Development is a personal and professional coaching company. When you commit to one of our programs, our team of experts in sport, career, and family performance development will assist in exponentially changing your life for the better. This means high performance success for you. We are committed to your results!

Sign up for our FANTASTIC newsletters at www.create-momentum.com .

2005-10-31T17:40:00.000-08:00

Hire Divorce Lawyer or Use Online Divorce Forms? by Scott Morgan

Hire Divorce Lawyer or Use Online Divorce Forms?

When do you need to hire a family law attorney and when is it okay to just use an online divorce form website to save a little money? This article will provide a few pointers to help you decide whether to do it yourself or retain a divorce lawyer.

What Does it Mean to Use an Online Divorce Form Website?

Essentially, using an online form website in your divorce case means that you will represent yourself and act as your own lawyer. All of the online divorce form sites have disclaimers making it clear that they are not your lawyer and are just preparing documents on your behalf. While it is your constitutional right to act as your own lawyer, there are some significant risks involved that should be evaluated before you take the online route.

Additionally, you have to evaluate the particular website you are dealing with. Most are national sites that offer forms that they claim will work in any state. However, every state has different laws. In other words, a California Divorce Decree will not be identical to a Texas Divorce Decree because the laws of the two states are not identical. So with an online divorce you are basically getting a generic form that may or may not work in your jurisdiction.

What if You Have Children?

While many of the divorce form sites claim to offer forms that address the necessary provisions regarding children (conservatorship, support, visitation, etc.), it is very risky to use these generic forms when you have children. You must remember that your divorce forms are being prepared using online software that simply fills in the blanks with your answers to very simplistic yes/no or multiple choice questions. These answers may not necessarily fit your situation or you may not fully understand the question.

This is where a competent lawyer can make a big difference. A lawyer will learn more about your situation and find out exactly what your documents need to say, instead of just the boilerplate language that the divorce website's software spits out. If you have children, you should take the safe route and hire an experienced divorce lawyer.

What if You Own Property?

Many of the divorce form sites also claim to offer forms that will deal with the most complex of property divisions. But when it comes to dividing any property beyond personal effects (clothes, furniture, etc.), it is risky to rely solely on generic divorce forms. If you or your spouse own real estate, vehicles, 401k accounts or other retirement accounts, or have any other financial assets or liabilities, an online divorce form will not necessarily protect your interests.

A competent divorce lawyer would be able to, first, analyze your situation and determine what property division is in your best interest, and second, ensure that all the assets awarded to you were properly transferred and the titles correctly recorded on your behalf.

Conclusion

Using an online divorce form always carries a certain amount of risk. If there are no children from the marriage and no property to divide, then saving a few hundred dollars may be worth the risk and the extra work you will have to do. But for most people, especially those with children or property, it is essential to hire an experienced divorce lawyer to handle their case.

About the Author

Scott Morgan has been a Houston divorce lawyer for over ten years. His practice focuses exclusivley on divorce and family law cases. You can find out more about Mr. Morgan on his website, www.houstondivorce.com.

About the Author
Scott Morgan has been a Houston divorce lawyer for over ten years. His practice focuses exclusivley on divorce and family law cases. You can find out more about Mr. Morgan on his website http://www.houstondivorce.com

2005-10-30T17:40:00.000-08:00

Is your lifes purpose for sale? by Craig Nathanson

Is your lifes purpose for sale?
There is no purpose too big or too small
By Craig Nathanson

Meet Joe. Hes a middle-aged bridge toll-taker in the San Francisco Bay Area. In a recent interview, Joe said he loves the role he has filled for the last 12 years. The job suits his purpose. He said: If I can help someone start their day off right in the few seconds when they are handing me [the toll], I feel I have made a difference in the day and life of another person.

Meet Mel. Hes a veteran New York City street sweeper who works through the night clearing away the previous days debris. Mel ran into Craig Nathanson, The Vocational Coach, one morning after Craigs run in Central Park. Mel said: Nothing makes me happier than making sure no one has to step on garbage when they start out their day on my street. He has been sweeping the same four square city blocks for 30 years.

Meet Minna Valentine, a.k.a. The Reading Doctor. A past client of Craigs, shes a former marketing executive who ditched the corporate world to teach English as a second language. This is her take on the changes she made in her vocational path: Teaching others makes me feel like I am contributing to something worthwhile.

Joe, Mel, and Minna each go to work every day knowing they will make a difference to someone. They are grateful to be able to do so. There are many so-called high achievers earning six-figure salaries that cannot make that claim.

Why is living with purpose critical in mid-life?

In mid-life, many people find themselves suddenly questioning everythingcareers, lifestyles, and priorities. Nothing is spared from this examination, although few will discuss their fears.

Often it takes a personal crisisa layoff, a death, or a divorceto move people from introspection to action. When these events occur, they open up a small window of opportunity to challenge everything and consider a new course.

Inner questioning is critical in mid-life. If a person hopes to achieve greater meaning and self-fulfillment, things are never easy. It requires courage and a leap of faith.

Craig speaks from experience. A few years ago, he came home from his six-figure job and announced to his family that he was quitting. He no longer found meaning and fulfillment in what he was doing. That was his first leap of faith.

How do I find and live with purpose?

Finding the meaning of life is not self-indulgent or clich. It is the essence of why we are here. If there is no meaning, then what is the point of existence? In order to create a path toward meaning, in our jobs and in our lives, we need to begin with an evaluation process that challenges.

- Fill in the blank: The purpose of my life isKeep saying it until you find an answer. Then write it down.

- Make an honest self-assessment of your current state. Exclude external input or validation. Are you driven? A procrastinator? Happy? Sad? Energetic? Lethargic? Generous? Selfish? Adventurous? Conservative? Etc.

- Define the experiences you need now to feel fully alive. Then, develop a plan to have those experiences. Do you want to travel to China before you turn 50? Have you always wanted to sing in front of a large audience? Have you always wanted to study to become a chef? Have you always wanted to run a marathon? Etc.

- Define exactly what youre passionate about and where you want to make a contribution. Is it music? Teaching? Sports? Photography? Cooking? Academics? Etc.

- Define what is most important to you. Then, set short- and long-term goals that are aligned with these priorities. Without a clear path, goals are mere daydreams. Set up a process to monitor your progress.

- Define the new experiences that you must have to add a greater sense of meaning and fulfillment to your life. Do you need to start cooking more? Traveling? Taking classes? Skydiving? Etc.

- Define your beliefs about yourself. Then, change the ones that are no longer useful. Do you believe you are deserving of doing what you love? Or do you believe that work is not meant to be fun and meaningful?

Dr. James Hollis, a scholar on philosopher Carl Jung and a writer on mid-life issues, said that as we grow older, both meaning and purpose become equal. Both are needed to thrive. Also, Jung wrote that early in life, meaning is derived through preparation for living. In later years, meaning is derived through an examination of the inner self.

What are the results of living with purpose in mid-life?

Victor Frankl, a Nazi death camp survivor, believed that the urge of human beings to search for meaning is inborn. Researcher Martin Bolt said that having meaning and a defined purpose in a persons life makes it possible to accept ones own mortality with less fear of death and a greater sense of lifes plans and their meaning.

Mid-life adults with purpose can experience:

- A greater sense of integrity and authenticity;
- An experience of being more alive;
- An increased feeling of contribution;
- Stronger health and psychological wellbeing;
- A life thats more congruent;
- An acceptance of their own mortality and, as a result, less fear of death and a greater sense of their life plans and their meaning;
- A feeling of greater control over their lives and a feeling that their life matters;
- An increased sense of self-esteem and happiness.

Is this enough incentive for you?

You can discover and live a more purposeful life now. Dont simply surrender to a world that will continue to rent your skills to suit its purposes. A greater second half is possible if you take action now!

Remember Mel, Joe, and Minna? What connects them is that neither fits into a conventional definition of success. Yet pursuing conventionally defined success has led so many people on a journey that ends with disappointment and a crisis of introspection that Mel and Joe probably havent experienced. Minna, in contrast, is a goodand unfortunately rareexample of someone who pursued conventional success, found it wanting, and then had the courage to make a change that didnt lead to material riches. But her life itself was made richer.
About the Author
Craig Nathanson, The Vocational Coach, works with those over 40 to discover and do the work they love. He is the author of P Is For Perfect: Your Perfect Vocational Day, by Book Coach Press. Visit his online community at http://www.thevocationalcoach.com where you can sign up for his monthly Tele-class.

2005-10-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

Becoming One by Joyce C. Lock

When a couple marries, it is sometimes referred to as 'becoming one'. It has been said the problem is deciding which one. Which should it be? I submit to you, neither one.

"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" Amos 3:3. If either wants to be king of the hill, then they walk alone; with a mate, by their side, in name only.

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour," Ec. 4:9.

My mate is left handed, utilizing the opposite side of his brain (by comparison to the side most males use) and God gave me analytical abilities. Yet, when God created either of us, He did not make a mistake. There are times when I make wiser business decisions. Though, he is quick to spot a con-artist.

"For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow:

but woe to him that is alone when he falleth;
for he hath not another to help him up," Ec. 4:10.

Our strengths uphold each other.

"Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" Ec. 4:11.

When we make Jesus our head, Jesus will stand with us.

When both we and our mate make Jesus the head, our stand is even greater.

"And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him;

and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ec. 4:9-12.

"Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire." Mt. 18:8-9.

Did I say to run out and divorce them? No.

Just, don't cheat on God to fall with your mate.

"No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon," Lu. 16:13.

Adam's sin was that he chose his mate above God.
And God named both male and female 'Adam', Ge. 5:2.

Only God knows how to defeat Satan every time. Therefore, if the Spirit does not guide a couple toward agreement, God is not likely in it. A warm assurance and the comfort of unity comes when both agree on His leading. Only then can the three walk together.

"Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them," Mt. 18:19-20.

When we seek God's guidance together, we obtain divine protection.

Another way of looking at it is this.

Father
(head)
/
/
/
Son Holy Spirit

Jesus
(head)
/
/
/

Husband Wife

"I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one;
and that the world may know that thou hast sent me,
and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me."

Jn. 17:23

Only when we become one with God can we become one with each other;
one in heart, soul, purpose, body, mind, and strength.

by Joyce C. Lock
http://our.homewithgod.com/heavenlyinspirations/
This writing may be used in its entirety, with credits in tact,
for non-profit ministering purposes.
About the Author
Joyce C. Lock is a published author, poet, and columnist. In addition, she founded and maintains the e-mail ministries "Heavenly Inspirations" http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeavenlyInspirations/ and "Share a Smile" http://groups.yahoo.com/group/smilesharing/. Joyce's writings encourage us in our relationship with God and each other.

2005-10-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

Link Romantic Feelings To The Sight Of Your Face by Marguerite Bonneville

Anchoring is an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) term used to describe the minds tendency to associate two unrelated events or experiences, especially when a strong emotion is present.

For example, if your mother fed you chicken soup when you were ill as a child, you will always associate chicken soup to being loved and cared for.

On the down side, if you once contracted food poisoning from eating tainted pickles, just the smell of pickles will be enough to bring on a feeling of nausea many years after the event.

How does anchoring work in relationships?

If you come home from work elated by a promotion and see your lovers face, you will link that feeling of elation to the sight of his or her face. By the same token, if you hate your job and constantly talk about those feelings over dinner with your spouse, you'll unconsciously begin to associate the bad feelings with him or her.

In that case, you must make a conscious effort to share more good times with them so you will more readily associate positive feelings to the sight of their face.

Sharing good times creates positive anchors or associations. It helps you to weather the less positive times that every couple experiences at some stage in their relationship.

Breaking up is often the result of linking too many negative anchors to the sight of your partners face, with no knowledge of how to counteract them by deliberately creating positive ones.

Heres a common example. A young doctor whose wife works to help him through medical school may decide to divorce her after he graduates. This is because he associates the sight of her face to the hard times they experienced during those years. Of course this is all unconsciousall he knows is that he feels bad whenever he looks at her. He mistakenly takes this as a sign that the relationship isnt working.

Now that you know how anchoring works, use it intentionally to improve your relationship.

1. Plan positive events together and make sure you dont let any negativity intrude on the event. Save arguments or disagreements for a later time.

2. During the height of an intensely positive moment you are sharing:
a. touch your loved one lightly on the knee or arm
b. squeeze the persons hand or
c. put your arms around him or her.
The next time you repeat the same gesture with this person in some other context, it will reawaken some of those original emotions in them.

In a similar way, if you touch someone in a specific way when they are feeling sad, for example, you squeeze their shoulder or put an arm around them at a funeral, touching them later in the same way will reawaken those feelings of sadness. So be careful about what sorts of emotions you are associating to your touch, words or face.

How does this apply to gifts?

A gift is by its nature an anchor. Every time the recipient looks at the gift, they will remember the occasion when they received it, especially if they experienced strong emotions at the time.

So you can help guarantee that your gift will be a strong ongoing anchor if you make sure that you create a truly memorable experiencesuch as an extremely romantic evening - when you present the gift.

A woman will always remember following a trail of rose petals in her lovers apartment to find the necklace he purchased for her birthday.

A man will always remember being presented with his own personal star by a lover dressed only in a star-patterned bra and g-string.

Its also important to consider the opposite effect.

Never give a gift by way of apology. You dont want to create negative anchors by giving gifts after an argument.

If you give your wife a diamond ring to apologize for the fact that she caught you cheating with your secretary, the ring will always remind her of your infidelity.

If you give your husband a new watch to apologize for crashing his BMW, hell remember your transgression every time he checks the time.

Even if those memories don't make it to conscious awareness, they're lurking just under the surface. It makes better sense to allow them to fade away, instead of attaching them to physical objects like gifts.

Keep things simple. A genuine apology is all thats required after an argument. Save gifts for positive occasions.
About the Author
Marguerite Bonneville
Marguerite Bonneville is a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) whose passion is publishing information online. She is a contributing writer at http://www.romantic-gift-ideas-online.com, a resource site dedicated to helping visitors find the perfect romantic gift.

2005-10-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

How to Choose the Right Divorce Lawyer by Nashville

Are you unhappy with your relationship? Are you thinking about divorce? Well then, choosing the right lawyer can be one of the most important decisions you make when considering a divorce. According to the article How to Select a Divorce Lawyer by Scott Morgan which was posted at www.legalclips.com, selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your family law case is a very important decision. There are a few important criteria to help in finding the right divorce lawyer including focus and experience, past client testimonials, accessibility, fees and comfortability. And here are a few tips on how to get the best divorce lawyer around for your case.

First, set an appointment and prepare your questions beforehand. Ask about everything that is related to your case. Through this, youll be able to assess if you have come to the right person and realize if he can handle the case for you. Also, ask about whether youll be copied in on all documents. I believe that its very important for a lawyer to return phone calls within a day and to copy a client in on all correspondence including legal letters and documentations. It is your right to be kept fully updated on all the developments of your case.

More so, never think twice to inquire whether you will be charged for phone calls and for the initial consultation. Always keep in mind that a lawyer cannot be able to truthfully determine a legal fee without some preliminary research and investigation. Of course, fees will vary based on the complexity of the case, the time commitment involved, the skill and experience of the lawyer, etc. The payment of the fees, whether partial or full, is being done at the beginning of the case in some cases. In other cases, the lawyer might offer a payment plan.

Indeed, resolving such complicated issue is being made more difficult because of the emotional factors involved and the fact that during the divorce, neither of the parents is really happy. With this, regular communication between you and your attorney is very important. However, bear in mind that your lawyer's job is to give you correct information to help you make difficult decisions, not to tell you what you want to hear. The divorce lawyer will only help you to at least lessen the burden that you experience by winning your divorce case.

After all, the stress that these battles bring to parents can be truly remarkable. Perhaps, no other phase of life such as this one presents so much psychological pain yet so much opportunity for growth for the persons involved.

About the Author
For additional legal information and inquiries about the article log on to http://www.attorneyservicesetc.com

2005-10-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

Do You Want To Know How Monogamy Came To Be? by Joseph T Farkasdi

In the Hebrew Bible, there is a clear distinction between a love relationship and a marriage arrangement. Love relationships are depicted, over all, as the blinding-revealing passion for someone who is the object of the individuals attention. For example, Yaakovs passion for Rachel (Breshith 29). King Davids lustful desire for Batsheva (Shmuel Bet 11-12). Samsons love for Dleelah, the dominatrix of the Hebrew Bible (Shofetim 16). Just to name a few. A marriage arrangement requires that the ones married to each other fulfill the ethical and moral legal obligations that are binding upon them under the laws prescribed within the community. Further, love between the ones married to each other is not guaranteed. Divorce is probable, and arrangements for that are legally prescribed in both the Torah and the Talmud. Marital strife is likely to occur due to differences in individual needs or unpredictable circumstances, and must be weathered through by adherence to the marital obligations. Love can flourish between the married partners, and this is the "ideal" if the individuals work together through the struggles and keeping the obligations to nurture its continued existence in the marriage.

In the Hebrew Bible, all aspects dealing with the legal institution of marriage express polygamy. So, too, do all the narratives on the marriage lives of people; with what may appear to be the rare exception of a few. But, the Torah rarely, if ever, gives full disclosure on the personal lives of its legendary people. It has selective memory, and midrash of later generations have had to fill in areas not covered. If we were to stretch scripture a little, and interpret that some marriages were intentionally portrayed as monogamous, all this really shows us is two possibilities. The first, is that some men were likely to take only one wife; and/or two, that some should limit themselves to a lesser number. All aspects dealing with what can be described as a monogamous relationship within the Hebrew Bible deal with the love affair situation of a biblical patriarch and a woman (not always a Hebrew matriarch). Kept in its context, the Hebrew Bible presents the cultural marriage arrangement of its timepolygamy. It even legally defines proper marriage behavior for the husband who is married to more than one wife (D'varim 21.15-17). And, in typical Hebrew teaching style, the polygamist marriage narratives teach us that relationships are a struggle between individual needs. And, that the obligationslaws, commandments, rulesof being legally married to each other requires that these struggles be worked out within the marriage. Great lengths of creativity within the marriages of biblical times were taken to accomplish this.

The "idea" that the Torah encourages monogamy by showing all the struggles happening in the polygamist relationships is a later midrashic interpretation of the Common Era Palestinian Jews*. [*See footnote below.] The Jews of the intertestimal times (the 700 year period between the writing of the Jewish scrolls, now known as the TaNaKH, and the writings of the Greek New Testament by the Greco-Roman Christians of the Diaspora). And, for only about a thousand years, has it been upheld through cultural law as the ideal within most Jewish communities, and more specifically the Ashkenazic community of Old Europe. The rabbis of the intertestimal period took the TaNaKH scriptures out of their context and applied new meanings to them to deal with the present problems occurring within the overran, hellenistically influenced Yisrael. The old ways and the reasons for these ways were no longer being followed enthusiastically, and new ways were needed to keep the integrity of the Hebrew teachings.

Hence, the new law that appeared in the Damascus Document* scroll of intertestimal times that limits marriage to one husband and one wife. The Damascus scroll gives a new definition to what is considered the act of fornication. It specifically states that fornication, a sexual sin, is the taking of more than one wife in a mans lifetime. The rationale for this definition of fornication is based upon two quotes from legend narratives of the Torah. Breshith 1.27, "So G-d created humankind in his image, in the image of G-d did he create it, male and female he created them" and 7.9, "two and two (each) came to Noah, into the Ark, male and female, as G-d had commanded Noah." Both scriptures were taken out of their context and have nothing to do with the Moshaic laws regarding marriage. And, one quote from D'varim 17.17 that speaks of the King of Yisrael, that he is not to "multiply wives for himself." (A translation of the Damascus Document is available in The Dead Sea Scrolls, A New Translation.) [*See footnote below.]

This latter biblical injunction does not restrict the King to one wife only, but instructs him not to create a harem for himself, so that his attention remains on his duties as King. The King is also told in this same passage of scripture not to "multiply horses for himself," "not to return the people to Egypt in order to multiply horses," and that "silver and gold he is not to multiply for himself to excess." Neither of these injunctions say that the King is restricted to owning only one horse and possessing one piece of silver or gold. The Dvarim passage cited as validation by the first intertestimal adherents to monogamy is dealing with political-trade transactions of the King. Later tradition has ascribed Breshith 2.24 and Mishlei 31 as further justification that the ancient Jews intended for us to form monogamous marriages. Again, scripture is taken out of context to justify a fundamentalist view. With the passage of Mishlei, it is expressing the ideal wife and likens her to Shechinah, which is the feminine image of G-d, the Hebrew G-ddess. It does not make the slightest suggestion concerning the number of wives a man is to have. To say that the Bible supports a bias towards (or against) something that it clearly does not is simply wrong to do. And, this kind of interpreting leads to injustice.

There are four types of marital arrangements (only one that is civilly legal in America): polyandry, polygamy, monogamy, and polyamory. Polyandry is a marriage arrangement between a wife and two or more husbands. Polygamy is a marriage arrangement between a husband and two or more wives. Monogamy is a marriage arrangement between one husband and one wife. Polyamory is a marriage arrangement between two or more husbands and/or two or more wives. The Torah makes no distinction on which type of legal marriage arrangement is more preferable than the others. Instead, it only encourages that through marriage the struggles of relationship be dealt with, and that the expression of love be realized. Just as it is realized through the marital struggles between G-d and the People of Yisrael. "Now you are to love YHWH your G-d with all your heart, with all your being, with all your substance!" (Dvarim 6.5). We do this by faithfully fulfilling the obligations of this community marriage relationship with G-d. So it must be in our human marriage relationships the Torah teaches us.

Monogamy is not threatened by society allowing citizens the legal right to choose other types of marriage arrangements, and to be held accountable for these marriages. For those who idealize monogamy as the way to go, the simple bottom-line fact-of-reality is that there is only one threat to the success and survival of monogamous relationships. This real threat comes from within the homes of the couples that choose a monogamous marriage arrangement, and this threat is not keeping the vows made when getting married and not working together to mutually meet each other's needs. The threat of infidelity is not basing the marriage on clearly defined obligations to begin with. Banning the legal right to form other types of marriage arrangements will not change this. And, it will not prevent people from forming polygamous, polyandrous, and polyamorous relationships - regardless whether they are legally sanctioned by society or not.

The issue in the Hebrew Bible is about getting married, not about what marriage form is "right." Its focus is on fulfilling the obligations that come with marriage, whether there is love between the married partners or not. When maintained in this manner, the relationship is in kedusha, a state of holiness. And, this benefits the community, by providing a strong family-oriented foundation to build from. How can a marriage relationshipwhether it be polyandry, polygamy, monogamy, or polyamorybe less of a struggle and more of a love relationship? The first step is to keep the marital obligations made between each other when committing the act of marriage. Verbally remember and edify the words of this marital agreement often - if possible, on a weekly basis. Sit down together and talk it over.

The next step, which is actually the very first step and must always remain the more important step throughout the marriage is understanding that love is not an object, and thus the degree of love one has for another cannot be controlled. But, we do have the power within us to control how we will relate to to each other in our relationships. And, we have the power to decide whether we will be fidelitous or not. In other words, by defining together the obligations of the marriage, by living by them throughout the marriage (being conscious of these obligations on a daily basis) and, through this marriage relationship, by elevating the emotional, sexual, and spiritual needs of our partners-in-marriage. Complete honesty between each other, recognition of the need for individual self-responsibility, and partner encouragement (not coercion) is a must. Fulfill this and this marriage, whatever its type, is a marriage maintained in kedusha/holiness, according to the teachings of the Hebrew Bible.

Footnote: Just for historical authenticity to the statements made in these * asterisked paragraphs above, the Damascus Document of the Intertestimal period is a product of a specific extremist community sect of Judaism, and is not reflective of Jewish lifestyle in that time period as a whole. In fact the majority of Jewish communities would continue to engage in polygamist marriage relationships well into the Common Era, and even within the Ashkenazic communities this was so. Monogamy was accepted and justified as the ideal by modern Jews only because of the Christian presence around these Jewish communities, meaning Jews conformed to the practices of their neighbors to avoid persecution over this issue. It is through the extremist Jewish document of the Yachad sect that defines monogamous marriages and the monogamous approach to marriages within the Greco-Roman world of the time that Christianity would come to idealize monogamy as the ideal marriage relationship style. Even the Irish, who were the first culture to embrace Christianity outside of the Greco-Roman world, continued to engage in rather promiscious relationship styles - styles that included group sexual relationships and marriages. It would not be until the arrival of the "White" people into Europe and their subsequent embracement of Christianity that monogamy would be institutionalized as the only correct form of marriage. Some estimates have it that monogamy finally took root about a good thousand years after the Damascus Document had been written. And, still today, not all societies are convinced that it really is the most moral form of forming relationships.
About the Author
Joseph Farkasdi is a fictional writer and social commentator. His online expressions range from the sharing of deeply opinionated thoughts on life, love, and relationships to the ever stirring wild and sometimes wet erotic fantasies that stretch one's secret imaginations. His photographic works are as revealing and shameless as his willingness to share all without inhibition. You can view his web site by clicking on http://www.jfarkasdi.org/ .

2005-10-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Uncontested Divorce; How Thinking About An Uncontested Divorce Figures Into Your Decision About Divorce" by Karl Augustine

An uncontested divorce is the most common type of divorce. An uncontested divorce is a divorce that occurs when there are no disagreements between spouses over divorce related issues like custody, finances, living arrangements, spousal support, child support, etc. An uncontested divorce can be an easy way for people to get divorced without the hassles of a legal struggle and undue wear and tear on emotions.

But, you may not be ready to seriously consider uncontested divorce if you're just thinking about it.

Thinking about an uncontested divorce can mean a variety of things from a psychological perspective...it could mean that you are really on the brink of divorce.

It could also mean that you're feeling frustrated and just want to end things as fast and quietly as possible. If this is the case, you may want to make sure that you aren't just being lazy and you should examine your reasons for divorce first before you go any further.

"Does it mean I am really ready for divorce just because I am starting to think about an uncontested divorce?"

Maybe, maybe not.

Here's a few things you might want to think about before going onto next steps with regards to an uncontested divorce, just to make sure that you're really ready to go through with it.

Uncontested divorce situation 1:
You're thinking about an uncontested divorce because you want out but you aren't sure if your spouse is ready to call it quits.

This can be tough if you aren't careful. The main point of an uncontested divorce is to have both parties agree on things. If your spouse doesn't even know that you're thinking about getting a divorce, mentioning an uncontested divorce may result in an explosive discussion.

Uncontested divorce situation 2:
You've both agreed that you'd like a divorce, but haven't really clearly defined why, you just know you both feel ending the marriage is best.

Maybe there's a chance to make your marriage work! Don't be too hasty. If you can't clearly define why you and your spouse want to end your marriage, you're acting on emotion rather than a healthy combination of emotion and logic. Sit down, think it through and have a detailed discussion around all of the details.

But, be careful...this can be a volatile situation if you haven't talked everything through and mutually agreed on how you'll actually implement your divorce decision to have an uncontested divorce.

If one of you is more demonstrative than the other or is usually the person who drives the decisions, that sense of control may carry over into the discussion of the terms of the uncontested divorce.

Uncontested divorce situation 3:
You both agreed that you'd like a divorce (and you both know why), and you've successfully talked about and agreed on all of the details regarding the uncontested divorce.

Although it can be a sad situation most of the time, sometimes a divorce is actually a good thing unfortunately. If you and your spouse have amicably decided to part ways and can continue on as responsible happy adults, then an uncontested divorce can be an easy way to sever the relationship and all legal obligations. This is the best situation to be in if you're looking for an uncontested divorce...it should be simple to finish from this point.

Lots of people think about uncontested divorces and never go through with getting one because they actually work things out...and that's a great thing! And, some people think they want an uncontested divorce but haven't agreed on the details and terms, they're just looking for the fastest way to end the marriage. If this is the case, the relationship can turn from being amicable (and each party thinking they want a divorce) to being nasty and a resulting tug of war ensues with each person striving to get what they feel they deserve out of the divorce...and this can lead to a drawn out negotiation which certainly is not an uncontested divorce.

Be smart when you're considering an uncontested divorce...make sure that you're really ready to go through with it. Don't let the term 'uncontested' fool you, an attorney can ethically and legally on represent one of the married parties. But, if you and your spouse can truly be amicable and truthful, an uncontested divorce can be easy.
About the Author
Karl Augustine
Author of "A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce",
the eBook recommended by counselors to thier clients.

Deciding on Divorce

Uncontested Divorce

2005-10-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

The Importance of Having a Lawyer by Paul Hood

Many people are not familiar on how to deal with lawyers. Odds are, they are not sure what they are supposed to do or how much will be the cost.

More than just problem solvers, a lawyer can help prevent problems from even coming into fruition. While most people seek the aid of these legal eagles only when problems arise, it would be wise to have a lawyer to provide you with all the legal you need.

In todays world, legal issues spring up almost always on a regular basis. Most probably, you do not have the time to come deal with all of them. Having a lawyer to take care of all your legal affair is very much welcome and it is one sure way to free yourself from unnecessary headaches. It is very much a good idea to have a family lawyer even if you do not have problems as of the moment. A trusted solicitor will be there to take care of the things you may have overlooked and can refer you to the right people should you need further assistance.

There are times however when you really will need the help of a lawyer other than preventing problems. When the problem has become a reality, you will need to count on your lawyers problem-solving skills.

When your finances or liberty is on the line, you will need legal help. There are situations that arise which we do not expect or do not want. These can be trying times and for this a lawyer will provide the answer. If you find yourself being charged of a crime or served with a summons or a subpoena, a legal advice from a lawyer is very important. Most likely you are in the dark with what to do. An attorney will guide you through the entire legal maze and provide you ample protection.

Adopting a child, starting a new business or filing a divorce involves legal processes which you might not be versed with. Hiring an attorney will help you go through these steps well armed with the right legal knowledge.

There are different facets of the law and different lawyers have specialization in each one of them. Your choice of your attorney will depend on the type of your legal situation.

Our world is filled with legal issues that we may or may not like. Understanding them may be hard but there are lawyers who are skilled for this type of task and you would well benefit from their assistance.

About the Author
For additional legal information and inquiries about the article log on to http://www.attorneyservicesetc.com

2005-10-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Legal Issues Surrounding Divorce by Maui

There are two types of divorce: absolute and limited. Absolute, or divorce a vinculo matu monii, is the judicial termination of a marriage based on marital misconduct or other statutory causes after the wedding ceremonysuch as adultery. After the divorce, both parties are deemed single again. Limited, or divorce a mensa et thoro is a separation decree, where the marriage is not fully terminated, and the couple still retain their civil status as married.

There are seven steps in having a divorce. While the process varies from couple to couple, depending on the situation of both parties, there are some essential procedures in filing for a divorce. One thing is certain, however: divorcing couples who are mature enough to agree on certain issues makes for a smoother divorce.

First, one party must file a petition for divorce. Even if both parties agree on a divorce, one must file the petition, which states the ground for divorce. There is such a thing as no fault grounds, which simply states that the relationship is no longer viable (such as irreconcilable differences). While many states allow this, some states still consider ground faults, such as adultery.

A temporary order is the next step. This is for claiming temporary financial support, child support, of custody. This is granted a few days after filing, and remains in effect until a formal court hearing. One should file for this ASAP.

A service of process is then required. This is to prove that the petition has reached the other party as well. A response is then needed from the other party. He or she must file a response to the petition, and is allowed to either dispute the grounds or defend himself or herself from them. Disagreements on custody or property division should also be filed with the response.

A negotiation for the division of property and custody comes next. The court usually lets the couple and their respective lawyers handle this, but if they cannot agree on anything, the court has to decide for them. Children are usually the responsibility of social workers, whom the court calls in to check on the living conditions of each spouse if it is fit for the children. A trial then ensues, to smooth out issues the couple couldnt resolve by themselves.

Finally, an order of resolution is given, which ends the marriage and contains the division of property and debts. If the couple has negotiated these issues themselves, they can write their own order of resolution and submit it to court. If it meets the requirements, the judge approves it.

About the Author
For additional legal information and inquiries about the article log on to http://www.attorneyservicesetc.com

2005-10-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Should You Try To Stop Your Divorce If You're Just Thinking About Getting A Divorce?" by Karl Augustine

Thinking about getting a divorce doesn't necessarily mean that you should try to stop your divorce. Conversely, it could be wise to try to s top your divorce, only you know whether you should. Just because you're thinking about getting a divorce, doesn't necessarily mean that you should try to stop your divorce, although its logical to automatically assume so.

In order to be clear that you really want to stop your divorce if you're thinking about getting a divorce, you should use any or all of the following steps to make that determination:

Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 1: Examine why you're thinking about getting a divorce and clearly define and outline those reasons.

This is a vital part of determining whether you really do want to stop your divorce. It is easy to naturally think you should get a divorce if feel empty, confused, alone, frustrated, etc. But do yourself a favor, figure out what actually has you feeling like you do and write it down. Only then will you be able to decide whether you should make a serious effort trying to stop your divorce.

Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 2: Determine if guilt is seemingly forcing you to think about wanting to stop your divorce of if there's something inside you that really wants to stop the divorce.

Guilt can play a factor when you're thinking about getting a divorce, don't let it be the determining factor for wanting to stop your divorce. If guilt is the major reason that you want to stop your divorce, sit down and re-think everything. Ask yourself if you'll feel sorry for your spouse because you know how he or she will react to your decision to get a divorce. You will know if guilt is swaying you one way or another.

Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 3: Use projection to foresee how how your spouse will react if you try to stop your divorce.

You know whether your spouse will be please or disgruntled if you try to stop your divorce. You have an idea of how he or she will react if you try to patch things up and avoid a divorce. If your spouse will react positively if you try to stop your divorce, you should be happy. You may have a chance to make it work. But, if your spouse will react harshly to efforts to stop your divorce, you should ask yourself why. Figure out what your spouses motivations would be for reacting negatively and determine whether or not its still worth trying to stop your divorce or if you should just develop a plan to part amicably.

Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 4: Think about what your life would be like if you tried to stop your divorce and compare that scenario with what your currently going through.

Figure out what you want out of the situation and decide what you want your future to look like. If you feel that your life will worsen by trying to stop your divorce, maybe you should re-think what your planning. If you feel that you'd like to at least try to stop your divorce, even if its for selfish reasons, then take comfort in the fact that you've at least made the decision to act. Also, ask yourself whether or not the life you want is with your spouse, even if everything turned out exactly the way you planned for it and you were able to stop your divorce.

Ask yourself, "Even if I implement this plan and manage to stop my divorce, is this really the person I want to spend my life with?" The answer to this question will help you determine your course of action.

Should You Stop Your Divorce?, step 5: Implement your plan of action to either stop your divorce or plan to get a divorce.

Nothing will change if you don't act. Now that you've decided to work it out or get a divorce, set a plan in motion with your true end goal in mind. If you want to get a divorce, do what you need to in order to get what you need out of the situation...be amicable. You do not want to look back later on and feel like you didn't act in a mature fashion.

If you truly want to stop your divorce, use the right resources to determine the best course of action to do that. Divorce is serious, you should make certain for your sake and for your spouse's sake that you did all you could to stop your divorce...and be happy about it!
About the Author
Karl Augustine
Author of "A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce",
the eBook recommended by counselors to thier clients.

Deciding on Divorce

Stop Divorce

2005-10-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

Divorce--When "Forever" Is Just Too Long by Larry Denton

Are you unhappy with your spouse and your marriage? Are you seriously thinking about divorce? No matter how you deal with it, divorce is a messy process. When two people, who have taken a vow to stay together forever, decide that forever is much too long, hurt feelings, resentment and bitterness are to be expected. The first step is to remember that you are not the first couple to have marital problems--even Adam and Eve had some severe set backs.

According to U. S. government statistics, one out of every two marriages will end in divorce or annulment. Many problems can lead to the decision to divorce. Personal selfishness, adultery, disrespect of a spouse, inattentiveness in the relationship, being argumentative, dishonesty, money issues, or difficulties in raising the children-- all can be the catalyst which sparks a desire for separation.

It is possible that the seeds of divorce are sown even before a couple says "I do." Research shows that certain relationship skills, or lack of them, can help predict whether people are headed for happiness or a difficult dissolution. Research by Mari L. Clements, an assistant professor of clinical psychology at the Fuller Theological Institute in Pasadena, CA shows that "The ones who stayed happily married were likely to handle conflict constructively. Even in the midst of a difficult issue in their relationship, they were likely to treat each other with respect."

Grounds for divorce vary from couple to couple and from state to state. Marriage, realistically, is as much a legal contract as it is a personal relationship. Most states now offer some form of uncontested (no-fault) divorces which are popular because they are easy and inexpensive. There is no single reason for divorce. Sometimes, couples simply grow apart.

No matter what the cause of divorce, the key to a successful divorce is communication. This means removing your emotions. Many times, couples facing divorce allow their emotions rather than logic to dictate their discussions and their decisions. Think of divorce as a lesson in patience and endurance. The biggest divorce settlement tip--focus on the long-term outcome, not the small-time details. "Who gets Grandma's tea service?", is not nearly as important as "how do we raise our children?"

Most people looking for a divorce attorney are in a state of shock. They are in grief similar to what is felt with the death of a loved one; it is a death of sorts, the death of a marriage. Choosing the right lawyer can be a daunting task, but this one decision can determine the outcome of your divorce and, indeed, your future life. An uncontested, or no-fault divorce, can be dealt with quickly and cheaply if both partners agree to separate amicably. Unfortunately, this is seldom the case.

Many specifics of a divorce settlement are likely to get ugly. Child custody, visitation rights, property ownership, alimony, child support payments, attorney costs--all of these are going to be difficult roadblocks. Divorce is not easy for anyone. When you lose a limb, even when it is numb from nerve damage, it is still a difficult loss.

The dissolution of a marriage can often leave people in a state of confusion and despair. Often, people tend to make irrational and impartial decisions whether it be entering into a new relationship too soon, having a continual series of "one-night" stands, or making large financial purchases--like a new sports car or palatial home. Try to avoid alcohol and illegal drugs. Being in such an emotionally vulnerable state, it can be easy to fall victim to addictive behaviors.

Make a conscious effort to look forward, not backward. Do not be judgmental or angry at your ex-spouse or yourself. A divorce is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is the end of a relationship that simply did not work out. Let time heal the wounds as you begin to create a new life for yourself. None of the suggestions offered here will relieve your pain immediately, but they can help. Remember, tips only work if they are used.
About the Author
Larry Denton is a retired history teacher having taught 33 years at Hobson High in Hobson, Montana. He is currently Vice President of Elfin Enterprises, Inc., an Internet business dedicated to providing valuable information and resources on a variety of topics. For a court room full of additional information to guide you through this grueling and painful process please visit http://www.DivorceDeal.com

2005-10-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Post-Divorce Alimony in Texas by Scott Morgan

This article provides a brief overview on Texas law concerning
post-divorce alimony in Texas. Laws differ from state to state and
individual circumstances vary, so you should consult with a qualified
family law attorney in your area for specific advice on your particular
situation. Additionally, this article deals only with post-divorce
alimony. It does not address temporary alimony, which is provided for
under a different provision of the Texas Family Code.

Two Kinds of Alimony: Contractual and Court Ordered Maintenance

There are two kinds of post-divorce alimony in Texas: contractual
alimony and court ordered maintenance. The Texas Family Code also
provides authority for the court to order temporary alimony which occurs
while a divorce is pending. However, temporary alimony is outside the
scope of this article and will not be addressed.

Contractual Alimony

Contractual alimony is based on an agreement between the parties in
their divorce decree. For tax purposes, contractual alimony is normally
deemed income to the receiving party and is deductible from the income
of the paying party. Since contractual alimony must be based on an
agreement of the parties, there are no limits to the possible amount or
duration of the alimony.

Court Ordered Maintenance

Court ordered maintenance is provided for by Texas Family Code Chapter
Eight. Although actually awarded in only a small percentage of
Texas divorces, the court has the right to order one spouse to pay the
other post-divorce maintenance in either of two circumstances:

1. The payor spouse either received deferred adjudication or was
convicted of a crime constituting family violence within two years of
the filing of the divorce case, or

2. The parties have been married at least ten years and the receiving
spouse has some kind of financial limitation (disability, unable to work
because caring for the party's child, or lacks earning ability to meet
minimum reasonable needs).

The monthly amount of court ordered maintenance is capped at the lesser
of: a) $2,500 or b) 20% of the monthly payor's gross income.

The maximum duration of court ordered maintenance is three years. The
only exception is when maintenance is ordered as the result of a
disability, in which case the duration can potentially extend
indefinitely.

Considerations

Where there is a large disparity in incomes alimony can sometimes be
used as a useful settlement tool. Since alimony is generally taxable to
the receiving party and deductible to the paying party it can be often
structured so that it is advantageous to both parties.

For example, a party in a high tax bracket can agree to make monthly
alimony payments in exchange for a more favorable property division. If
the receiving party is in a lower tax bracket, the overall income tax
paid could be significantly lower than what it would be otherwise.

Another factor to consider is how rarely Texas trial courts order
maintenance, absent an agreement. The statute allows for maintenance
only when the specific statutory circumstances have been proven. There
are several appellate cases that have reversed trial court decisions
ordering maintenance when the requesting party did not provide
sufficient proof that the standard had been met.

In cases where there is a large amount of community property, one of the
most effective arguments in attempting to defeat a maintenance claim is
that the requesting party will have ample resources to provide for their
needs since the party will receive a significant amount of assets from
the division of property.

Another common argument used to defeat a maintenance claim is that,
during the pendency of the divorce, the requesting party has not made
significant attempts to either obtain employment or obtain training that
would allow the party to obtain employment.

As an example, lets take a divorce case where the wife is requesting
maintenance on the grounds that the marriage is longer than ten years
and that she lacks the earning ability to meet her minimum reasonable
needs.

If, the case has been pending for several months and at the time of
trial she has still made no effort to obtain employment or improve her
job skills, it will be a difficult claim to succeed upon. The court is
unlikely to find that she is "unable" to meet her reasonable minimum
needs and more likely to believe that she is unwilling to take the
necessary steps in order to provide for her own support.

Conclusion

Alimony in Texas, while rarely ordered, is an important and complicated
issue. It can be used as an effective settlement tool and can
potentially be a significant trial issue. For someone involved in a
Texas divorce case with a potential alimony issue, the issue should be
discussed in detail with an experienced divorce lawyer.

About the Author
Scott Morgan is a practicing Texas divorce attorney. For more information on texas divorce visit his website at http://www.texas-divorce-info.com . The website provides general information and resources on divorce, as well as specific information on Texas divorce law.

2005-10-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Emotional Intelligence: The Basics by Michael G. Rayel, MD

Theres so much talk about emotional intelligence and how it can promote personal and business success. What is it really? What are its basic tenets?

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to recognize, understand, and manage ones emotions and that of others. This intelligent concept focuses on the role of emotion in our daily lives and how it affects our perception, reasoning, and behavior.

Emotions are pervasive in our daily existence. From the time we wake up to the time we retire to bed, we experience emotions. We can get excited by the news of economic recovery, or we feel upset when our favorite team loses a championship game.

Moreover, we can get lonely when our friend of many years decides to look for greener pastures and we can feel anxious when our child does not go home on time after class.

So really, emotions happen everywhere and anytime. There is no day that passes by without emotions being involved. We experience emotions when we - win or lose, receive phone calls from long lost friends, greet our children good morning, say hello to our neighbors, prepare meals for our spouses, or ride the subway train.

Emotions are just as normal as the rising of the sun.

However, there are times when our emotions can become overwhelming and can negatively affect our functioning. For instance, anger is normal. However, the inappropriate display of uncontrolled anger can be destructive.

Let me clarify this point with a hypothetical situation. Richard, a relatively nice guy who works as a salesman, is married for 5 years with Cynthia. For the past few years, his sales have plummeted due to some unknown reasons. He used to be mild-mannered but lately he hasnt been the same.

When he gets angry, he just cant control himself. He yells, bangs the door, throws fits, and punches the wall. In addition, he calls his wife names and puts her down. Eventually, he has physically harmed Cynthia. Due to his uncontrollable anger and physically abusive behavior, Cynthia has decided to file a divorce.

In this example, Richard has failed to recognize his ongoing anger and its associated behavioral consequences. Because of his inability to recognize his anger and consequent behavior, he has failed miserably to contain his anger despite signs that his wife doesnt want to put up with it. In addition, he has failed miserably to recognize and understand the feelings of Cynthia. How could he? He cant even recognize his own.

Emotional intelligence can therefore become an important tool at home and at work. By learning its basic tenets of self awareness (knowing ones emotions), self management (controlling ones emotions), social awareness (recognizing the emotions of others), and relationship management (social skills), people can make use of the emotion to advance the positive cause of our families and communities.

About the Author
Copyright2005. Dr. Michael G. Rayelauthor (First Aid to Mental IllnessFinalist, Readers Preference Choice Award 2002) psychiatrist, and inventor of Oikos Game: An Emotional Intelligence or EQ Game. For more information, visit www.oikosgame.com and www.soardime.com

2005-10-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

Is Your Baggage Holding You Back? by Linda Reeves

Here you are single again and ready to re-enter the big scary world of dating, and like most everyone, you bring along baggage. We all have it; some more than others, however, now is the time to analyze the necessity of that baggage in your new life. No one is exempt. You may have childhood angst over paternal divorce, conflicts with friends and family, or remorse over missteps and lost opportunities. Everyone has a history and an emotional response to it. What matters, when it comes to being a healthy, thriving human being, is whether or not you have deliberately unpacked your baggage.

As you delve into this new world, think about your life and the events that put you back into the dating world. Maybe it was divorce, a death or the end of a relationship, all very traumatic events in our lives, but if you are ready to move on with your life, you must put aside the unnecessary baggage. Deal with your grief from whatever situation and prepare your mind and heart to accept love and happiness again.

Keep in mind that although someone might say to you tell me what happened, guess what? They really do not want to know your life history, simple and to the point is enough information. People are generally nice regardless of what you say and yes, it can keep the conversation flowing, but keep in mind the more you say about the baggage, you are not creating any sympathy, but merely bringing feelings back to the surface. If the wounds have not completely healed, take steps to resolve the issues that cripple you emotionally and move into a happy and emotionally well-balanced life. This can be approached in various degrees. While we all have our own way of dealing with our emotional baggage, sometimes it is more than one can bear on their own. Seek out the counsel of your family, clergy or a counselor to help you confront and deal with the issues that are holding you back. By all means to do not sink into seclusion, come out of the darkness, join a health club, take a yoga class and never forget the power of prayer. Expose the issues; sometimes in order to get beyond your past, you sometimes need to get into your past, what went wrong, why did it happen, explore what you are feeling, is it anger, resentment or just simply a broken heart?

We do not want to hear about your ex, how badly they treated you, ran up your phone bill, and cleared out your bank account or the things that were wrong with them. Know what this tells someone? You are not over it, you are still angry and hurt and certainly not emotionally available. You need to face these issues head on and let go of them before considering new beginnings. Deal with your emotions, feelings, and move forward thus unpacking the excess baggage.

Realize and accept your situation and its circumstances, when it is over, take the time to grieve and deal with your feelings and then set them aside, clear your mind and your heart of all obstructions and embark on your new journey with a clean slate.

In conversations with someone new, tell them about yourself, what you like to do, what are your passions, your goals in life, your job, your children, your pets or anything that is a positive, and forget about the negative. Let me tell you this, you let that negativity creep back in and you are going to be sitting home alone watching sappy movies and crying over lost love when you could be enjoying the world that is there to be explored.

So, unpack your bags and put the unnecessary items away! Store the baggage, be it emotional, physical or human, you no longer have any need for it. Seek the new horizon ahead of you, the happiness that awaits you and the satisfaction of knowing that what you have to offer another person is the greatest of all gifts, but let that gift be of you, your present and your future, the past done, time to begin anew.

Remember..always travel light.
About the Author
nda Reeves is a 47 year old advice columnist who writes for Cupids Blackbook a free dating site on the web.
She Lives in the American midwest.

2005-10-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Coping with Grief - It's Called Living Through It by Gail H. Stone

"Dad, I tried to wake Nana, I think she's dead."
"Grandpa died yesterday."
"Oh my God, Daddy's dead."
"Uncle Jack died today."
"Grandma died last night."
"I'm standing with the body of your deceased father-in-law."
"Hon, I think we should get a divorce."
"I'm sorry, but we weren't able to resuscitate your mother."
"Mike called. He thinks Mary is dead."
"I'm sorry to leave this on your voice mail, but Uncle Andy died last night."

This litany of phone calls and conversations on death or parting has all occurred in the past 30 years of my life, most in the last 20. Whether I was the one delivering or receiving these messages, the speaking of each one was the start of the long, seemingly endless process of grieving. Often, I felt so sucker punched that I doubted I could go on. Getting up the next day seemed impossible, yet somehow I almost always did.

Something deep inside told me I had to, that there was no other way to get through it, but to keep moving. I attribute that to my deep belief in a higher plan and a sense that getting through this trial was like going through a tunnel. I told myself that if I put one foot in front of the other, I would eventually come out the other side and be able to feel somewhat whole again. Sometimes, it was all I could do to put one toe in front of the other, but all forward movement I deemed positive.

The last five instances happened within the past five years, with my mother and sister-in-law and godfather's deaths back to back in '99, '00 and '01. Looking for the reason why I have been given so many opportunities to experience the grip of grief first hand, I now believe it was in order to help others and ease their way.

If you've been here, you know. There's no magic pill to get you through the immense pain, intense sadness and amazing denial, anger and upset that you feel. However, I did create, through trial and error, a few simple practices which have profoundly impacted my journey through the tunnel and I would like to share them with you.

(1) Every single day, let in the love of family, friends and co-workers. On those days that you feel you can't bear to see anyone or when you realize that some of them have moved on, thinking in error that you are "better", read through the cards you've received. Save and then play voice mail messages and re-read e-mails of support. Give your heart a visible reminder that others do care and want to share your pain. Let them - mentally off-load a bit of it onto their shoulders. Don't try to carry it all by yourself. It can crush you and it will try. Don't let it!

(2) Create a morning or evening meditation time. Even if you can't see how to find the time, do it somehow. This was especially helpful to me in getting through the horrible time of adjustment to life alone after my divorce and then again when my Mom died. I had always said a few wake-up prayers, but found I needed more. I started with Jerry Jampolsky's book, "Love is the Answer" and read one (short) chapter a day. Then, I bought the book "A Course on Miracles" and meditated on the daily passages. While the 365 lessons seemed to represent a huge commitment, the daily phrases were so empowering that I continued. Additionally, I saved affirmations from various sources like Science of Mind magazine and The Daily Word and read them daily. Any quote from a book or article that I thought would motivate me to get up and make the day a less painful one than the day before, I saved and re-read daily. I posted the best of them around my office and in my meditation area. I still do. When you actively start looking for empowering passages, you will be touched and inspired by what comes your way.

(3) Finally, but most importantly, express yourself in some way often! I would recommend that you do it daily, as well. I found out the hard way that keeping emotions bottled up or trying to ignore them hurt more in the long run and adversely affected my health. Talk to people about your loved one, write about him/her, start a journal of your thoughts and feelings, scream whenever you can find a place where you won't alarm the neighbors, family members or fellow travelers, do some kind of physical exercise to work off steam - whenever and wherever you can vent, do so daily.

To anyone caught in the black and blue morass of grief, I invite you to consider adding these three emotionally healing practices to your daily life. They have helped me come through some horribly upsetting times, still sad at heart, but feeling more serene in the knowledge that I can and will go on - living my life to the best of my ability - for my dear ones and with my dear ones safely ensconced in my mind and heart forevermore.

2005Creative Mastery Coaching, LLC. All rights reserved.
Gail Stone is Founder of Creative Mastery Coaching, LLC. Find out how you can Get a Grip and Go! and register for your Get A Grip Clips today at http://www.GetAGripAndGo.com Enjoy a burst of energy and inspiration delivered to your inbox every three days.
About the Author
Grief touches us all at some point in life. Here are three healing practices that will help ease the pain.

2005-10-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand by Ruth Houston

How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand

by Ruth Houston2005

Too many wives with cheating husbands put up with their husbands infidelity because they feel they have no choice, or they dont know what else to do. If youre in a similar situation, dont despair. You have more power and control than you think.

Dont Be a Helpless Victim

You dont have to suffer in silence or be a helpless victim. There are practical things you can do to make the best of a bad situation, and minimize the damage infidelity can cause. You can prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for what lies ahead. You can take steps to protect yourself sexually, legally and financially. Best of all, most of these things can be done quietly behind the scenes, without your husbands knowledge. And they will leave you feeling empowered, rather than victimized. In the long run, youll gain the upper hand.

Knowledge About the Affair is Power - Find Out All You Can

Knowledge is power. The first thing you should do is find out everything you can about your husbands affair. For the sake of your sanity and your marriage, you have a right to know. You also need to have certain information so you can decide whats in your (and your childrens) best interest to do. Finding out need not involve hiring an investigator or buying fancy surveillance equipment. Is He Cheating on You?829 Telltale Signs can be a tremendous help. ( http://www.Is-He-Cheating-on-You.com ) This $29 book contains practically every known sign of infidelity, grouped into 21 categories so you can easily find the signs that apply to your marriage or your mate. Most women are amazed at how much information they can find with the help of this 192-page book, which also comes in e-book format. The more you find out about your husbands affair, the better equipped youll be to make intelligent decisions about how to handle the situation.

What You Can Learn From The Signs Of Infidelity

You can learn a lot from the kind of telltale signs you find -- how often your husband sees his lover, when and where they meet, who she is, where she works or lives, what her interests, habits, and hobbies are, how deeply they are involved, and more. Many of the signs of infidelity are quite subtle. But once you know what to look for, theyre fairly easy to find. All you need are your own eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the help of a good infidelity reference book. Did you find signs which indicate your husband is serious enough about the other woman to move in with her or ask you for a divorce? Do the signs you found give any clues as to whether your marriage can be saved? Or does the situation call for damage control? Do the signs indicate that this is a workplace affair? Or is it an emotional affair? A cyber affair? A fling? Based on what youve discovered, can you devise a way to sabotage the affair and get your marriage back on track? Knowledge is power. Analyzing the telltale signs you find will definitely give you the upper hand.

How an Infidelity Consultant Can Help

Sometimes an objective third party can bring clarity to the situation and help you make sense of the signs youve found. Someone knowledgeable about infidelity can help you evaluate the signs and formulate a game plan for what to do next. An infidelity consultant ( http://www.infidelityconsultant.com ) can answer any questions you have, assess your personal situation and suggest practical things you can do. You may want to safeguard your financial interests, get recommendations for a marriage counselor, consult a divorce attorney just to find out your legal rights, make changes at home or find some way to short-circuit your husbands affair.

Act Now to Gain the Upper Hand

Armed with the knowledge gained from the telltale signs you found, youre now ready to take action to gain the upper hand. Act decisively. Dont ignore the affair or wait to see how things will turn out. If you let the situation deteriorate to the point of no return, youll lose your chance to gain the upper hand. Do what you can right now to make the best of your situation. Even if youre still unsure whether youll stay with your husband or leave, take control of the situation. Empower yourself by working quietly behind the scenes and you can gain the upper hand. For specific things you can do, get Ruth Houstons FREE tip sheet entitled What Wives with Cheating Husbands can Do to Gain the Upper Hand. Send an e-mail to InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with Upper Hand in the subject line.

Copyright 2005 Ruth Houston. All rights reserved.

About the Author
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston is the author of Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs, a comprehensive guide which documents practically every known sign of infidelity. For more information about the book, infidelity, or cheating husbands, visit http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com Ruth also does personal infidelity consultations by e-mail or by phone. For details, email InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with consultation in the subject line.

2005-10-11T17:40:00.000-07:00

Top 5 To Dos Before Saying I do by by Jennifer Coleman, M.S./ Ed.S., N.C.C., Rosen Divorce

Today, nearly half of all marriages don't last. Everyday I work with couples going through a divorce, many times over preventable conflicts. Ive learned about what needs to be discussed before making a life-long commitment. If youre planning to get married this spring, here are a few things to do before you say I do.

1. DO allow yourself enough time to make one of your biggest life-altering decisions. Ask yourself why now and why with this person? You should be able to answer this in an affirming and positive way. The relationship should not be reactive to fill an empty space in your life, perhaps a past relationship, a surprise pregnancy, or the absence of family. Lots of people go into a relationship still having baggage from a previous one. If you deal with your previous relationship losses successfully, they wont come to haunt you or your future spouse later on. Also, keep in mind that opposites attract, but they are really hard to live with. The more in common you have with your spouse, the more likely the relationship will last.

2. DO discuss having children and if this is something as a couple you want to do. Also, discuss about how many children youll plan to have and when youll have them. What parenting practices will you adopt to raise your children? Who will stay at home or will both parties work? You should also define parenting roles as individuals and as a couple.

3. DO create a financial plan together. A lot of times people avoid talking about this, but you need to define financial goals and expectations beforehand. Dont just know how much your future spouse makes, but know the whole picture. Who will be in charge of balancing the checkbook? Will you join your accounts or will they be separate? What are your top financial goals together? People have different spending habits and different financial styles that are often influenced by family. What happens if one spouse starts spending excessively? How will this be handled? Speak with a financial planner and retain one together.

4. DO compare personal goals versus goals as a couple and the obstacles that may arise. If one party wants to move to California for a job promotion and the other desires to live near family in Florida, thats something to discuss now. How will you as a couple make life-altering decisions on which you may not agree? Surely, not all your goals will match that of your partner, but there needs to be decision-making beforehand on how to handle these differences. If one party longs to have children shortly after marrying, while the other wants to wait to start a family and hopes to attend graduate school, this could create tension in the marriage and lead down the road to separation or divorce.

5. DO decide on how to handle disputes. Conflict will arise in any relationship; its a normal indicator of self expression and thought. Deciding on how to handle conflict will prevent big disputes and arguments that might be detrimental to the relationship. Decide ahead of time the rules for arguing and the limits. Set rules involving communication like no walk always or put downs. This will allow you and your future spouse to effectively handle conflict when it arises, and surely it will. Also, agree to not let the little things get too big.

For more information on Rosen Divorce, or for an interview, please contact: Alison Kramer, Director of Public Relations, Phone: 919-256-1542, Cell: 919-523-7104, akramer@rosen.com or visit www.rosendivorce.com

***

With offices in Raleigh and Charlotte, Rosen Divorce is the largest divorce firm in North Carolina. Founded in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our staff of attorneys, accountants, and specially trained divorce coaches expertly address the complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Specialties include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation agreements, and domestic violence relief.

ROSEN DIVORCE
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, NC 27607
www.rosendivorce.com
Divorce is Different Here
About the Author
Jennifer Coleman is a divorce coach at Rosen Divorce and assists clients through the emotional transition that accompanies the legal process of divorce. She is a National Certified Counselor and specializes in marriage and family counseling.

2005-10-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

Divorce and Uncle Sam: Top 10 Things You Should Know When Filing Your Taxes by by Jessie Danninger, CPA, Rosen Divorce

If youve recently divorced or separated from your spouse, here are a few things you should know for the upcoming tax season:

1.What is my filing status? (Married, Single, Head of Household)
Marital standing at year end determines your filing status for the entire year. If you have a decree of divorce or separate maintenance, signed by a judge, you should file as single. Regardless of whether you have a signed decree you may be able to file as head of household. Filing as head of household may reduce your income tax obligation, but to qualify the following conditions must be met:
oYou paid more thanthe cost of keeping up your home for the tax year,
oYour home was the main home for your child for more thanthe year, and
oYour spouse hasnt been a member of the household for 6 months.
If you cant file as single or head of household, then you must either file as married filing joint or married filing separate.

6.Should my spouse and I file as married, filing separate or married, filing joint?
Filing joint may provide some tax benefits over filing separate. However, by filing separate the IRS cant hold you responsible for any unpaid taxes caused by your spouses actions or omissions. The innocent spouse rule provides relief from this responsibility in some cases.

2.Is alimony taxable?
In general, alimony is taxable to the recipient (line 11 of the 2004 Form 1040) and deductible to the payor (line 34a of the 2004 Form 1040). However, some couples stipulate in their separation agreement that the alimony wont be deductible to the payor, or taxable to the recipient.

3.Is child support taxable?
No. Child support is neither taxable to the recipient nor deductible to the payor.
If the payor owes both alimony and child support but pays less than the total amount owed, the payments apply first to child support and then to alimony. If the separation agreement doesn't delineate separate alimony and child support payments, general "family support" payments are treated as child support for tax purposes, unless the alimony qualifications are met.

4.Who gets to claim the dependency exemption for the children?
In general, as long as the parents combined contribute at leastof the support of the child, the custodial parent gets the dependency exemption for the child. If custody is split or undeterminable, the parent who had physical custody for the greater part of the year gets the dependency exemption. Custodial parents can waive their right to the dependency exemption by filing Form 8332.

5. Who gets to claim the Child Tax credit and the Household and Dependent Care credit.
Only the parent who claims the exemption for the child may claim the Child Tax credit for that child. Unlike the exemption, it cant be traded. If you are the custodial parent, you can claim the Household and Dependent Care credit for the child even if you cannot claim the childs exemption. If you are the non-custodial parent, you cannot claim the Household and Dependent Care credit for the child even if you can claim the childs exemption.

7.Are my divorce costs deductible?
In general legal fees are considered personal expenses so they arent deductible.
However legal fees paid to get alimony and legal fees regarding the tax effects of divorce are deductible. The attorney must allocate fees paid for deductible and non-deductible services otherwise the deduction may be disallowed. The allowed deduction is a miscellaneous itemized deduction which is deductible only to the extent that, in the aggregate, the miscellaneous deductions exceed 2% of the taxpayers adjusted gross income.

8.My spouse and I are using the married, filing separate filing status. Can I use the standard deduction if my spouse itemizes?
No. If spouses are using the married, filing separate filing status and one spouse itemizes their deductions, the other spouse must itemize as well.

9.Who gets the mortgage interest deduction and other itemized deductions?
If the marital home is owned by one spouse alone, only that spouse may claim a mortgage interest deduction. Deductible expenses that are paid out of separate funds, such as medical expenses, are deductible by the spouse who pays them. In general, deductible expenses paid out of joint funds are split 50/50 between the spouses, including mortgage interest. Mortgage interest for property titled by the entireties can be claimed by whichever spouse actually paid the expense.

10.Where can I go for more information about divorce and tax issues?
www.rosendivorce.com

For more information on Rosen Divorce, or for an interview, please contact:
Alison Kramer, Director of Public Relations, Office: 919-256-1542, Cell: 919-523-7104 akramer@rosen.com or visit: www.rosendivorce.com

***

With offices in Raleigh and Charlotte, Rosen Divorce is the largest divorce firm in North Carolina. Founded in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our staff of attorneys, accountants, and specially trained divorce coaches expertly address the complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Specialties include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation agreements, and domestic violence relief.

ROSEN DIVORCE
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, NC 27607
www.rosendivorce.com
Divorce is Different Here
About the Author
Jessie Danninger is a financial analyst with Rosen Divorce. She assist clients in all financial matters relating to divorce, including property distribution, child custody, alimony, and tax related issues. She is a certified divorce financial analyst and CPA.

2005-09-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

Helping Children Cope With Grief by Theresa V. Wilson, M.Ed.

Age is not a prerequisite to grief. Not unlike their parents, child must be allowed to experience the stages of grief. Denial of opportunity to release feelings, participate in family loss, and share in recovery can be very damaging to the health and well being of the child.

You do not have to be a psychologist or therapist to understand and use basic tools to address the needs of a grieving child. It does require recognition that kids are people too, and acceptance that their process of mending is no different than adults. Whether death or divorce, the stages of a childs emotional recuperating are very similar to adults, and must be fully addressed by the parents in order to reap positive results.

Never assume you know what your child may be thinking or feeling. Even in the closest relationships, he or she will keep their most intimate feelings as they assess, for themselves, the impact of the emotional trauma and related environment issues that have been forced upon them.

There are general stages of grief manifested in behaviors, attitudes and changes similar to the following:

Initial Shock which can be manifested in periods of withdrawal and silence or through wild behavior and disobedience;

Emotional Release which is a stage of becoming more aware of their loss and reacting with dramatic release of various emotions including crying without cause, striking siblings or becoming easily provoked. Some youth may exhibit a variety of disruptive behaviors in school in addition to anti-social responses at home;

Physical Symptoms include sleepless nights, nightmares, abnormal eating habits and digestive problems; and finally Guilt Feelings exhibited by blaming others for what they feel they have done to create the situation.

The road to recovery for youth may require that adults take a proactive role. There are several activities parents can use to create an atmosphere of comfort and support. These activities also encourage a closer communication between parent and child that moves far beyond the immediate crisis.

Encourage your child to prepare a picture album of favorite activities thy experienced with the loved one. This may include family outings, birthday celebrations, or special events and holidays.

Encourage the child to write a story or diary of events about the positive experiences they remember when the loved one was with them (purchase a colorful diary or notebook and include a special pen the child can use for this activity. Make this a personal experience for them that no one else can share. Do ask to read their diary entries or short stories. Let them offer to share when they are ready. If the child is unsure how to begin, suggest they develop a summary around the picture album.

Encourage the child to draw pictures of pleasant memories. Purchase a combination of crayons, paint and brushes. Make the project unique to them. Keep it easy and convenient to begin by making it clear supplies will be available as they find the need for them. The key here is to make sure their interest in expressing themselves is not dampened by the lack of supplies.

The key ingredient is your openness to explore whatever creative ideas are necessary to help your child move through the grief process and not become stagnate in any one phase. In helping children cope with the loss of someone they love keep the following in mind:

 Be honest and direct and truthful in explaining what happened. Creating stories to protect feelings may make the grief process more difficult in the long run.

 Allow and encourage children to express their feelings openly. Let them know that crying is normal, helpful and acceptable. Dont put time limits on this process. Each child is unique and will move along at a pace most comfortable to him. Dont compare or contrast one child from another and categorize strength or weaknesses. Help them know you accept their feelings, support positive choices and will guide them through negative experiences along the way.

 Accept individual emotions and reactions and dont tell the child what he or she should or should not feel.

 Listen to what the child is saying then focus on responding to the childs needs. Avoid putting words in their mouth or thoughts in their head. Become a good listener.

 Be a strong foundation, maintaining as much stability in the childs life as you can.

 Encourage the child to be part of some of the decisions the family will make during the death planning process. Take time to explain the process and procedures and always ask them how they feel. Dont band them from discussions.

 Be patient, recognizing that children may need to hear what happened again and again and will ask the same questions over and over. Not unlike the learning curve in school, repetition is helpful to reinforcing the meaning of an end of life process.

Grieving is an individual wilderness experience that is not exclusive to adults. Shock, anger, denial, guilt and behavior changes are human responses. Children need adults to help them connect to their resources, maintain a positive attitude, and walk in faith believing that they will heal and get through it. Knowing that someone cares will help make their wilderness journey easier to bear. You will both be victorious if you take a step back from your own pain and remember that children grieve too.

All rights Reserved. Permission is granted to electronically reprint the following article as long as no changes are made and the byline, copyright information, and resource box. Minimal content editing is allowed; however, you may request changes to the content by e-mailing requested changes. Off line printing is permitted. Please send a copy of the article on publication to: VMAssociates, Inc., PMB 47182, Windsor Mill, MD 21244.

About the Author
Theresa V. Wilson, M.Ed. is a freelance writer and owner of a home based business dedicated to providing products and resources for grieving families and caregivers facing health recovery and crisis related issues. Her Grief and Health support sites are www.meetingtheneeds.org and www.renewingyourhealth.org

2005-09-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

Becoming One by Joyce C. Lock

When a couple marries, it is sometimes referred to as 'becoming one'. It has been said the problem is deciding which one. Which should it be? I submit to you, neither one.

"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" Amos 3:3. If either wants to be king of the hill, then they walk alone; with a mate by their side, in name only.

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour," Ec. 4:9.

My mate is left handed, utilizing the opposite side of his brain by comparison to the side most males use, and God gave me analytical abilities. Yet, when God created either of us, He did not make a mistake. There are times when I make wiser business decisions. Though, he is quick to spot a con-artist.

"For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow:

but woe to him that is alone when he falleth;
for he hath not another to help him up," Ec. 4:10.

Our strengths uphold each other.

"Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" Ec. 4:11.

When we make Jesus our head, Jesus will stand with us. When both we and our mate make Jesus the head, our stand is even greater.

"And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him;

and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ec. 4:9-12.

"Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire." Mt. 18:8-9.

Did I say to run out and divorce them? No.

Just, don't cheat on God to fall with your mate.

"No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon," Lu. 16:13.

Adam's sin was that he chose his mate above God.
And God named both male and female 'Adam', Ge. 5:2.

Only God knows how to defeat Satan every time. Therefore, if the Spirit does not guide a couple toward agreement, God is not likely in it. A warm assurance and the comfort of unity come when both agree on His leading. Only then can the three walk together.

"Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them," Mt. 18:19-20.

When we seek God's guidance together, we obtain divine protection.

Another way of looking at it is this.

Father
(head)
/
/
/
Son Holy Spirit

Jesus
(head)
/
/
/

Husband Wife

"I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one;
and that the world may know that thou hast sent me,
and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me."

Jn. 17:23

Only when we become one with God can we become one with each other;
one in heart, soul, purpose, body, mind, and strength.

by Joyce C. Lock

http://my.homewithgod.com/blessingsandlessons/

This writing may be used in its entirety, with credits in tact,
for non-profit ministering purposes.
About the Author
Joyce C. Lock is a published author, poet, and columnist. In addition, she founded and maintains the email ministries "Heavenly Inspirations" http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeavenlyInspirations/ and "Share a Smile" http://groups.yahoo.com/group/smilesharing/ . Joyce's writings encourage us in our relationship with God and each other.

2005-09-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

Marriage Problems? Beware of Pastoral Counsel. by Pat Swan, MS, CMFT, Life and Relationship Coach

Do you wonder how you can reconnect, and bring back those loving feelings? Do you think about seeking outside help to guide you through the process?

BE CAREFUL!

Many couples first consider calling their pastor. The person you call at this critical time could determine the success or failure of your relationship. If you choose an untrained person, you may be headed for divorce.

WHY?

Early, effective and knowledgeable intervention saves marriages. Most pastors receive no marriage and family training.

Many struggling couples considering divorce say they sought help from their pastor at least once, often several times. Most admit they received no helpful information, learned no new skills, got spiritual shoulds rather than practical how to skills.

If nothing changes, the relationship deteriorates further.

I see the above scenario so often I am fed up! Just last week a husband and father who filed for divorce told me that the third time he sought help from his pastor he was told, There is nothing you can do. If it doesnt change you should be happy knowing you are suffering for Christ.

That was three years ago. At that point the marriage could have been saved. Now its too late.

How do you know whether to seek help from your pastor? Consider the following questions. If you dont know the answer, ask the pastor.

CHECKLIST FOR PASTOR QUALIFIED TO COUNSEL RELATIONSHIPS:

1. Is your pastor certified in Marriage and Family Therapy or is s/he professionally trained in marriage enrichment strategies and skills?

If not, does s/he willingly refer to professionals or recommend skills training classes? We know that most marital problems result from lack of interpersonal skills, not from spiritual problems, nor from abuse, addictions or other severe situations.

2. Does your pastor strongly encourage all couples to participate in relationship skills training opportunities on an ongoing basis? Does s/he make available in your church, relationship skills classes such as PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) which teach communication and conflict resolution?

3. Does your pastor require a pre-marital inventory for every marriage performed in your church?

If not, why not? Only a valid inventory such as Prepare-Enrich or Focus-Refocus is effective. These have high validity and educate couples on areas of strength and weakness.

4. Do you have a Marriage Savers program in your church?

If not, why not? Marriage Savers www.marriagesavers.org is a church based program which utilizes trained mentor couples and includes programs for couples in every phase of marriage. These programs cut divorce rates and strengthen relationships.

5. Does your pastor refer couples considering divorce to Retrouvaille?

If not, why not? Retrouvaille www.retrouvaille.org has an 80% success rate in bringing couples back from the brink.

If most of the above are not present in your church, dont waste precious time. Find a relationship skills building class (check www.smartmarriages.com), or find a marriage and family counselor, (preferably a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) or find a relationship coach, (with MFT training).

What are you waiting for? Strengthen your foundation and start building the relationship you desire, today.

About the Author
Pat Swan, M.S., CMFT: Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, Trainer, Author of Watch Out! Your Relationships Can Be Hazardous To Your Health. http://www.StopRelationshipStress.com and http://www.RelationshipSkillville.com .
Mailto:pat@patswan.com .

2005-09-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Beat the Odds for Divorce by Pat Swan, MS, Life and Relationship Coach

Do you think marriage is a turkey shoot? Are you looking for a guarantee of success? Dont gamble with your relationship. Follow expert advice to beat the odds for divorce.

Researchers can predict the success or failure of a long-term relationship with 90% accuracy based on one thing - Conflict Resolution Skills. All relationships experience problems. How you handle them makes the difference.

Do you avoid discussing your differences? You build resentment and destroy your relationship as surely as fighting does. Follow these steps and solve differences safely, without fighting.

1.Set aside a time to sit down together, without distraction, to discuss the specific difference of opinion you want to solve.

2.Define the problem to be solved.

Dont jump into a power struggle. A difference of opinion is not right or wrong, just different.

3.Brainstorm all of the possible solutions.

Think outside the box. Get creative. Write down all solutions. Dont eliminate possibilities for any reason, even if they are way out or sound crazy. This makes it fun!

4.Discuss each suggestion.

Give pros and cons. Put a check by possibilities. Cross out ones that are unrealistic or not acceptable to one of you. Consider whether two or three can be combined to make a better option. Be open to new ideas.

5.Choose an option that is acceptable to both of you.

Dont say yes if you have reservations. You wont follow through.

6.Set a date a week or two into the future to sit down and discuss how this solution is working.

Practice the solution during that time and note how it works.

7.Celebrate that your relationship is important enough to spend the time to find a win-win solution.

Now, forget your differences and have some fun!
About the Author
Pat Swan, M.S., Life and Relationship Coach, http://www.RelationshipSkillville.com . Pat is a speaker, coach, and author of Watch Out! Your Relationships Can Be Hazardous to Your Health, available at http:// www.StopRelationshipStress.com . Stop relationship stress and discover secret remedies for better health. Mailto:pat@patswan.com . PH: 262-642-5706.

2005-09-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

Stop Relationship Stress and Create Your Own Health Remedies by Pat Swan, MS, Life and Relationship Coach

Human beings need relationships. Your relationships, past, present, personal or professional, represent a major source of stress in your life. Chronic stress causes breakdown of your immune system. This leads to many emotional and physical disorders including heart disease, fibromyalgia, cancer, ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, and depression.

You can manage your stress many ways. Stress management strategies include deep breathing, relaxation exercises, physical exercise, meditation, and yoga.

But did you know that if you reduce your interpersonal stress you can improve health? Most of my clients who suffer from depression, anxiety or other mental illnesses complain about one thingrelationship problems at work or at home.

Like most people, I am sure you have heard a million times that you must quit smoking to reduce risks of cancer and enhance health. Have you heard the results of divorce studies about men and divorce? These indicate that men going through divorce experience stress related damage equal to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

Is the opposite true? If you reduce conflict in your relationships and avoid divorce, do you create a health remedy?

Im sure you know that we must exercise, eat healthy and watch our cholesterol if we want to avoid a heart attack. But have you heard that an element closely linked to heart disease has been defined as the hostilityfactor, or cynical mistrust of others? then it must follow that if you improve your conflict resolution skills and manage your anger you create cardiovascular health remedies.

We know that most individuals surviving cancer will try many complementary and alternative options to lengthen their lives. But did you know that studies have shown that women surviving breast cancer can double their survival time if they are involved in a close, intimate support network?

These and many other studies confirm the fact that healthier relationships lead to better health, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Most of us did not learn effective interpersonal skills at home. So why do so few individuals consider relationship skills training right from the start, before the stress becomes chronic? Probably because we havent been made aware of the facts.

The good news is that anyone can improve their relationships through learning simple skills including active or reflective listening, conflict resolution, behavioral changes, and thought management, among others.
If you want less stress, and more fun and fulfillment in your life, consider exploring options for relationship skill building.

Whether the relationship is past or present, personal or professional, you can make it better and get healthier in the process.
About the Author
Pat Swan, M.S., LMFT: Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, Trainer, Author of Watch Out! Your Relationships Can Be Hazardous To Your Health. http://www.RelationshipSkillville.com and http://www.StopRelationshipStress.com . Mailto:pat@patswan.com .

2005-09-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's Not That Bad Yet? by Pat Swan,

ITS NOT THAT BAD YET?

Can you think of a word or phrase that irritates you? Possibly when your teenager rolls his or her eyes and says, Whateevverr. For me it is this phrase. ITS NOT THAT BAD YET. Have you ever thought like this or do you know anyone who does?

I will give you an example. A person might say, I am really worried about my 14 year old. He comes home intoxicated two or three times a week and I am sure he smokes pot. I ask if they have him in counseling. They say, Oh no, its not that bad YET. Or someone says, My marriage is going to pot. We fight all the time and I dont know what to do. I ask, Have you thought of marriage counseling? Oh no, its not THAT bad yet.

This phrase keeps people stuck in miserable jobs, unfulfilling lives and eroding relationships. It is the reason people become more stressed, more depressed, more sick. It is the reason we have a 50 percent divorce rate. It tricks us into thinking we do not have to DO anything YET. We continue to tolerate the intolerable, and to wait for a miracle. What exactly do we mean when we say this?

ITS not that bad yet.

What exactly is not that bad? Your life? Your life isnt that bad yet? That sure sounds like a life to jump out of bed full of energy for every day. Your marriage isnt that bad yet? Is that the kind of marriage you went looking for? Is that the kind you want to keep? Or is it the fighting, the drinking or the stress on the job not that bad yet?

Its not THAT BAD yet.

How bad is THAT BAD? How will you know when it is THAT BAD? If you wait, will it be too late to do anything about it? Imagine how you would feel if you went to the doctor with migraine headaches. He calls you back in a couple days and tells you they found something on the x-rays. They dont know what it is, but dont worry, its not THAT BAD yet.

Or consider this. You see a few bugs around the house. You call in the Orkin man. He looks around and then tells you that he found evidence of termites. They have quite an appetite, those little critters. Munch, munch, munch. Call him next year. Its not THAT BAD yet.

Its not that bad YET.

Does this mean you completely expect that it will get that bad some day, but its not that bad yet? Or could it mean that you believe that it will miraculously improve without your doing anything, and it never will get that bad? Most of the people I talk to mean this. Its not that bad YET and Im too darn busy to worry about it right now, so dont bug me with it until it is that bad. When it gets that bad Ill worry about what to do about it. When will that be? When you get served divorce papers, when you develop an ulcer, or become clinically depressed?

What is the answer?

What can we do about this kind of thinking? How can you feel motivated to make changes? How can you help others get motivated to do something before its too late? Ask this compelling question. IS IT AS GOOD AS IT GETS YET?

Is your life as good as it gets yet?

Do you have a jump out of bed full of energy with a smile on your face kind of life? Why not? You deserve it. What are you waiting for? Or do you have a STAY IN BED with a smile on your face kind of relationship? Why not? What are you waiting for?

Dont wait.

What are you waiting for? Are you waiting until you have more money, have more time, the kids grow up, or you retire? Why kill time? You have only one life to live. You can have a great life right now.

You dont wait until the termites eat away the foundation of your house. Why wait till your partner serves divorce papers? You dont wait until the tumor is inoperable. Why wait until your life or your job gets so bad you become depressed or sick? Dont wait until its too late and you have nothing left but regret.

How do you start?

Decide what you want that you dont have. Decide what you have that you dont want. Write them down. Develop multiple action plans to get what you want or to solve the problem. Decide what plan works best for you. Write it down. Begin to follow the plan, step by step. Is your life as good as it gets yet? Why not. What are you waiting for?

What if you get stuck?

If you know that you want more, and you have a plan, but you get stuck, what can you do? Hire a coach. Is your life as good as it gets yet? Are you on the way? If not, why not? You can do it. What are you waiting for?

About the Author
Pat Swan, M.S., Life and Relationship Coach, http://www.RelationshipSkillville.com . Pat is a speaker, coach, and author of Watch Out! Your Relationships Can Be Hazardous to Your Health, available at http:// www.StopRelationshipStress.com . Stop relationship stress and discover secret remedies for better health. Mailto:pat@patswan.com . Phone, 262-642-5706.

2005-09-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

Divorce online service. Why should we lose money and time applying for divorce? by James Wood

It is usually easier to marry than to divorce, especially if the spouses who wish to do so must divide their common property as well.

Divorce is extremely difficult business in rich families. For wealthy Americans in this case, it is accepted that the former husband or wife may pay rather large sums of money for the divorce process. It is not enough that the divorce in itself involves strong emotional stress, so they also pay an extra thousand on top of the $10-20,000 to lawyers to carry out this occupation, and sometimes it is even more.

Why should we lose the money and time applying for divorce, if there is the cheap and fast alternative - divorce online. You find the site, take your mouse, you press on the button - and you are a divorced person. With a minimum of formalities, as in Las Vegas, for the conclusion of a failed marriage appears the divorce.

To terminate a marriage on site, a couple wanting to apply for divorce need only a credit card and a computer with access to the Internet. The divorce case was finished within 30 minutes and cost $199.

People who hate discussing and relaying specific instances in dialogues with lawyers use the services of the site. In the virtual world of divorce, the couple that does not require court, after inputting all necessary data for divorce, merely prints the forms, signs them, and sends them to the judge. That is all.

The high cost of lawyers has not forced people to refuse divorce. The deep reasons for divorce lie in the emotional - sensual sphere. The most painful and unpleasant situation is dialogue with a third party hired to engage in and bear your personal problems in general divorce discussion.

A company like LegalHelper.net that supplies online documents for divorce disagrees with the opinion of opponents that cheap divorce can minimize the importance of divorce. It is true that the divorce will cost them only $249 but this will not push the majority of people to end less-considered marriages faster and more often. Similarly, the high cost of lawyers has not forced people to refuse divorce. The deep reasons for divorce lie in the emotional - sensual sphere. The most painful and unpleasant situation is dialogue with a third party hired to engage in and bear your personal problems in general discussion.
About the Author
James Wood is a free-lance writer on family issues; his main goal is to help people during their complicated period of life in regards to divorce and separation.

Website: http://www.legalhelper.net/divorce.aspx

2005-09-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

Anger and you relationships by Dr Tony Fiore

Dr. Fiore, the voice on the phone pleaded, I need anger management classes right away.
I blew up at my girlfriend last night and she said its over until
I get help.

As Kevin recounted the first night of class, he and his girlfriend had argued in the car over which route to take home from a party. Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling and name calling.

Things escalated at home. He tried to escape, but she followed him from room to room, demanding resolution of the conflict. He became angry, defensive and intimidating.

Frightened, she left. Later, she left an anguished message saying that she loved him, but couldn't deal with his angry, hurtful outbursts.

Kevin said that he normally is a very nice and friendly person. But, on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before the party. In his view, she was irrational, and non-stop in criticism. He tried to reason with her, but it just made things worse.
Finally, as Kevin saw things, in desperation he lost it and became enraged.

How should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he have done differently? What actions should you take in similar situations?

Option 1: Time-out
Take a 20 minute time-out (but commit to returning later to work on the issue). Take a walk. Calm yourself down. Breath deeply. Meditate. Do something else for awhile.
New research by John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue, your pulse rate goes above 100 beats per minute, and you enter a physiological state called DPA (diffuse physiological arousal). Once there, it becomes nearly impossible to solve the problem. You lose perspective. Your reasoning ability, memory, and judgment, greatly decline.

Taking a time-out allows both of you to return to your normal state of mind.

It is neither healthy or necessary for you to explode as a result of being provoked by your partner. Our recommendation: Turn the heat down rather than intensifying the pressure.

Option 2: Interact differently
Many couples like Keith and his partner develop patterns of behavior that create miscommunication and conflict. Do you interact in one, or more, of these ways?
Inattention - simply ignoring your partner when you shouldnt. This is also called stonewalling, or being emotionally unavailable when your partner needs you, or not speaking to your partner for long periods because you are upset with them.

Intimidation - engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do things out of fear. This includes yelling, screaming, threatening, and posturing in a threatening way.

Manipulation - doing or saying things to influence your partner, for your benefit, instead of theirs.

Hostility - using sarcasm, put-downs, and antagonistic remarks. Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempta major predictor of divorce.

Vengeance - the need to get even with your partner for a grievance you have against them. Many dysfunctional couples keep score, and are constantly trying to pay back each other for offenses.

Criticisminvolves attacking someones personality or character, rather than a specific behavior, often coupled with blame. Like contempt, criticism is a second major predictor of divorce.

Option 3. Positive interactions
Start by actually listening not only to what your partners says, but what he or she means. Partners in conflict are not listening to understand; rather, they listen with their answer running because they are defensive. Unfortunately, defensiveness is another predictor of divorce.

Stick to the issue at hand. Seems obvious but is very hard to do in the heat of battle. Focus and stay in the present.

Learn to forgive. Research by Peter Larson, Ph.D., at the Smalley Relationship Center, suggests a huge relationship between marriage satisfaction and forgiveness. As much as one-third of marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness!

Communicate your feelings and needs. Tell your partner how you feel about what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately offensive behavior. Use I statements rather than accusatory, or you, statements. Learn to communicate unmet needs so that your partner can better understand and respond to you. For instance, If you are feeling fear, it may be your need for emotional safety and security that is not being met; communcating this is far more effective than lashing out at your partner in an angry tirade.

About the Author
Dr. Tony Fiore is a clinical psychologist and anger management trainer and facilitator in Southern California. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com

2005-09-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

Surviving Life After Divorce by Sharon Jacobsen

After divorce, the most important thing you can do is to move forward sensibly. Here are ten steps to help you on your way back to a fulfilling life.

1. Think single. As obvious as it may seem, you're no longer one half of a couple and that can take some getting used to. After all, life as a single woman is very different to the life you've been leading for a major part of your life. Take time to understand the changes that are happening in your life and don't expect it to be easy.

2. Remind yourself that it's ok to be single. In a society where single women are often looked down at by their married peers, they can easily find themselves believing that they're failures; that "real" women are involved in loving, lasting relationships. That simply isn't true. More and more women are choosing to remain single, or to break out of unfulfilling relationships, something which shows strength rather than weakness. Surviving means believing in yourself and your capabilities as a single woman.

3. Don't try to get even. No matter how angry you are at your partner, even if he's been unfaithful to you, don't try to get your own back. You'll just end up exhausting your personal energy on something that isn't going to be the least bit fruitful. It certainly won't get him back but the bitterness will most likely stop you from moving on. You don't deserve that, so don't do it! Try to approach your anger in a sensible manner, one that will constructive in helping you back to a healthy, emotional state of mind. Writing down exactly what is making you angry and why can often help you to understand and deal with your feelings. Find a friend who'll listen and tell her how you feel. Anger needs an outlet, but revenge isn't a healthy way of venting it.

4. Accept that the relationship is over. When you're living alone and your partner has moved on, it should be easy to accept that it's over. Unfortunately, this is something that a lot of women have problems with. You may find yourself making excuses to visit him by forgetting things at his place or needing to discuss something trivial regarding the children. Don't crowd him. Talk to him when you need to, visit if you must, but be polite, keep your distance emotionally, and accept that you now lead separate lives. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will be able to find happiness again.

5. Don't live in the past. No doubt you've got some great memories from your time together, you would never have stayed together as long as you did if there were never any good times. Remember them by all means, but don't dwell on them. If you find yourself wishing that everything could be "like that" again, give yourself a mental slap and remind yourself that there are some fantastic moments waiting for you in the future and that the past is nothing but a memory. You can learn from it but you can't change it or return to it. It's over. Gone. The future is what you should be thinking about now!

6. Don't drown yourself in guilt. You've probably said a few things that you didn't mean and now regret but you can't change that now. By all means apologise to your ex if it'll make you feel better, but don't expect your apology to change anything. Forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes.

7. Re-discover yourself! How much of yourself did you give up during your relationship? Did you find yourself bending over backwards to satisfy your partner? Now is the time to start living for you! Doing the things that make YOU happy will increase your self-confidence. Get a new hair-cut, re-arrange the furniture, enrol on a course. Do anything you like, but do it for YOU.

8. Sort out your finances. Your financial situation is bound to have changed and it's important that you know exactly how much you have coming in. It's easy to start over-spending while you're wallowing in your self-pity. A little extra indulgence here and another there; it's easy to fall into the trap so don't be tempted. Getting yourself into debt will just make your life as a single woman unnecessarily difficult. If your income is low (or non-existent) contact Social Services Benefits Advice Service or your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They will have somebody available to assess your needs and help you claim any benefits that you may be eligible for.

9. Don't become lonely. You may have found that your "couple friends" no longer invite you over or that your married friends don't have the time to do the things you suggest. Don't panic. This is perfectly normal and as time passes you will gradually find new friends. Whatever you do, be positive when you are with others as positive people always attract more friends. When you meet new people, they don't want to listen to "doom and gloom". They don't know you yet and will probably find it difficult to be sympathetic to a complete stranger. Be cheery and make them smile, people will remember and like you for that.

10. Don't get involved on the rebound! We've all heard it, but when you meet "that" guy, it's so easy to forget. Keep your dates light and remember that there is a broad line between getting to know a person and bonding a close, intimate relationship. Don't try to jump that line, it's there to be crossed slowly. When you try to cross it too quickly you'll be forcing the relationship and forced relationships rarely last. Yes, I know there are some whirlwind romances that have survived the test of time, but those are the exception, rather than the rule.

I've been married, single and a live-in partner. All sorts of relationships have their good and bad sides. When you're single you might yearn for the stability of marriage; when you're married you may envy the freedom of your single friends. Whatever happens, whether you choose to remain single or forge a new relationship, don't keep comparing your life with that of your friends. You're unique - your life is exceptional! Enjoy it!
About the Author
Sharon grew up in East London but moved to Norway at the age of 19, returning to England in 1998. She now lives in Cheshire with her partner and two of her three children. Besides writing, she is currently studying Social Science with The Open University, runs a web site where women in the UK can meet other women for platonic friendship (www.friendsyourway.co.uk), potters in her garden, knits and reads everything she comes over.

2005-09-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

SIGNS OF INFIDELITY - 21 Categories of Telltale Signs by Ruth Houston

With infidelity reaching epidemic proportions, every woman should learn how to recognize the telltale signs of infidelity. The future of her relationship could depend on her ability to spot the telltale signs in time. In view of the rapidly rising divorce rates, and current statistics showing that 50% to 70% of men cheat on their mates, a wife can no longer afford to be the "last one to know."

Every womans personal library should contain a reference book on how to recognize the warning signs of infidelity. "Is He Cheating On You? - 829 Telltale Signs" is a comprehensive guide which lists practically every known cheating sign. The 800+ signs of infidelity in this book are divided into 21 categories so a woman can easily locate the signs that apply to her mate. Whats unique about the warning signs listed here is that once a woman knows what to look for, any of these signs can be easily found using only her eyes and ears, her personal knowledge of her husband, and the information provided in the book. No special skills or equipment are required.

Each of the 21 categories is explained below along with the number of telltale signs listed under that category. While some women make it a point to check each of the 21 categories, others will only check the particular categories that seem to apply to their marriage or their mate. To insure that no one overlooks an important telltale sign, some of the signs (about a dozen) are listed under more than one category.

For example:

He always calls a certain female to share the special events in his life.
This sign is listed under Telephone Tip-Offs and again under His Behavior Around Other Women.

He starts showering you with gifts or buying you flowers for no special reason
This sign is listed under How He Relates to You and also under Gifts.

You find deposit slips in his possession for someone elses bank account.
This sign is listed under Financial Affairs as well as under Physical Evidence.

Despite the title, "Is He Cheating On You? - 829 Telltale Signs". actually contains 950 telltale signs. Additional signs were added before the final version of this infidelity book was printed. Readers continue to send in telltale signs they have personally discovered which did not appear in the book.

Continue reading for details on the 21 major categories of telltale signs. When you finish, be sure to visit http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com for more information on cheating husbands and signs of infidelity. Remember you cant afford to be the last one to know.

1. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - 76 telltale signs
A man having an affair (or even thinking about having one) will want to make himself more attractive. He will begin to enhance his appearance in some way. Be alert for changes in his wardrobe, his grooming, his body, and his personal hygiene. These are usually the most visible signs of infidelity. If he embarks on a drastic self-induced makeover, its probably not for you. More than likely hes trying to attract or impress someone else.

2. HOW HE RELATES TO YOU - 70 telltale signs
The way your husband relates to you can provide many telltale signs. His involvement with another woman will cause him to treat you differently -- even on a subconscious level. This is one of those areas where a wife can pick up signs of infidelity that a private investigator might otherwise overlook.

3. CONVERSATIONAL CLUES - 70 telltale signs
What your husband chooses or refuses to talk about can alert you to his involvement in an extramarital affair. He may mention new people, places and things, while the people, places and things he normally talks about are no longer a part of his conversation. Even his tone of voice can be an important telltale sign.

4. WORK HABITS - 39 telltale signs
Work is commonly used as an excuse to account for large blocks of time away from home. Men often use their jobs as a cover for their extramarital affairs. Your husbands work habits will undoubtedly change as his affair unfolds. Be on the lookout work-related telltale signs.

5. DAY-TO-DAY BEHAVIOR - 92 telltale signs
We are all creatures of habit. We all have a routine that we usually follow each day. A man who is cheating will display changes of some kind in his normal patterns of behavior. Pay close attention to any deviations in your husbands daily routine. These deviations are telltale signs.

6. FINANCIAL AFFAIRS - 52 telltale signs
Affairs cost money. If your husband has a lover, hell want to wine her, dine her, entertain her and buy her occasional gifts. No matter how carefully he tries to cover his tracks, sooner or later this will be reflected in the family finances. Stay alert for financial signs of infidelity.

7. TRAVEL - 27 telltale signs
Your husband may not always be traveling for legitimate reasons. Even if he is, he may decide to combine business with a little pleasure. Travel affords a cheating unfaithful husband a unique opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes.

8. PERSONALITY OR BEHAVIORAL CHANGES - 36 telltale signs
Be alert for changes in your husbands attitude, personality or behavior. Whether they are drastic or subtle, changes of this type are often an indication of infidelity.

9. ABSENCES - 39 telltale signs
Affairs generally require a considerable amount of time. Since there are only 24 hours in a day, your husbands absences will become increasingly more frequent as he tries to steal time from other activities so he can be with his lover.

10. TELEPHONE TIP-OFFS - 76 telltale signs
Illicit affairs depend on repeated contact; many of which take place by phone. These telltale signs of infidelity are relatively easy to find. Many men take the risk of calling their lovers from home or having their lovers call them at home. Many wives (like me) discover their husbands infidelity either directly or indirectly by the telephone.

11. CAR CLUES - 40 telltale signs
Your husbands (or the family) car can be a rich source of telltale signs. The glove compartment, car seats (underneath and between), the tire well, the underside of the visor, the ashtray, the side pockets or compartments, under the floor mats and other nooks and crannies can reveal a wealth of information.

12. SEX - 37 telltale signs
Be alert for any type of changes in the frequency or the quality of your sex life together. Most important of all: If you suspect your husband of having an affair, take steps to protect yourself. Do not put yourself at risk for HIV/AIDS, herpes or e other sexually transmitted diseases.

13. EATING HABITS - 31 telltale signs
This is an area that wives usually overlook when checking for telltale signs. But your husbands eating habits can be influenced or affected by his lover. Without even realizing it, he may develop a preference for the type of food she eats, the way she likes her food prepared or the kind of restaurants in which she likes to eat. These are the types of telltale signs it would never occur to him to conceal.

14. SMELLS AND TASTES - 21 telltale signs
Each person has his or her own unique smell or taste. You may be oblivious to it until it becomes replaced with something else. Pay close attention if your husband smells or tastes different, or if something in your home or car just doesnt smell right. It may warrant closer investigation.

15. INVASION OF YOUR HOME - 22 telltale signs
It's not uncommon for a man who's cheating to invite his lover to his home. When this happens, its not unheard of for lovers to leave personal items behind--sometimes deliberately, for an unsuspecting wife to find. You will usually find evidence in your bedroom or bathroom if another woman has been in your home while you were away. But telltale signs of infidelity may turn up in other areas of your home, as well.

16. GIFTS - 19 telltale signs
Be especially vigilant around the times of the year when gifts are usually exchanged. During the holidays and various other times throughout the year, you may find gifts or cards hidden around your home or in the car. Receipts or credit card bills for gifts may turn up shortly before or after Christmas and Valentines Day.

17. COMPUTER USE - 30 telltale signs
Its common these days for a cheating husband to use e-mail to communicate with his lover. Some of the telltale signs in this category may also be an indication of his involvement in an online or cyber affair. Dont take this lightly. These affairs can be as harmful to your marriage as the real thing. Though they may not involve sexual contact, the emotional attachment can be extremely strong, and can quickly progress from cyberspace to physical reality.

18. CELL PHONES AND PAGERS/BEEPERS - 28 telltale signs
Todays technological advances make it easier for a husband to cheat on his wife. But its also easier for a husband to get caught while trying to make contact or stay in touch with his lover.

19. PHYSICAL EVIDENCE - 32 telltale signs
Many times theres physical evidence just waiting to be found. Check your husbands wallet, his pants or jacket pockets, his desk or dresser drawers, the wastepaper basket, his closet shelves, the floor in the back of his closet, the garage, his study, filing cabinets, his workshop, his toolbox or any place else you can think of. Keep your eyes open. Youll be surprised at the kinds of physical evidence of infidelity you can find.

20. HIS BEHAVIOR AROUND OTHER WOMEN - 71 telltale signs
Studies show that a man is most likely to have an affair with someone he already knowsa woman he comes in contact with on a regular basisa neighbor, a coworker, a family friend or business associate. If youre observant, you may be able to determine the identity of your husbands lover by the way he behaves in her presence, or by how she behaves around him.

21. ACCIDENTAL SLIPS-UPS OR DISCLOSURES - 57 telltale signs
Sometimes you get lucky and find out what your husband has been up to by accident, or through some strange quirk of fate. An accidental slip-up on his part or on the part of someone else can clue you in to whats been happening behind your back.

Excerpts taken from "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs"
For more information visit www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com

2004 Ruth Houston All rights reserved.

NOTE: Youre welcome to reprint this article in your newsletter or on your website as long as you print the entire article, unchanged with the authors byline, copyright and the resource box containing the About the Author information and links. Please e-mail the author at CheatingSigns@aol.com to let her know where and when your reprint will appear.

# # #

About the Author
RUTH HOUSTON is the author of Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs. For more information about the book, cheating husbands or signs of infidelity visit
http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com To receive a FREE Infidelity Report which includes 29 Telltale Signs, send an e-mail to CheatingSigns@aol.com

2005-09-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Divorce Reasons; What Constitutes A Viable Reason For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?" by Karl Augustine

According to the Center for Disease
Control's National Vital Statistics
Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages
ended in divorce and 60% of
remarriages end in divorce. But, the
Center for Disease Control also found
that 96% of Americans express a
personal desire for marriage, and
almost three-quarters of Americans
believe marriage is a life long
commitment.

I imagine that there are somewhat
similar statistics worldwide.

With these kinds of statistics, its
easy to see how complex it can be when
people think they want a divorce, they
have difficulty identifying how a
truly viable divorce reason might be
defined. Wanting happiness through
marriage and wrestling with what may
seem an inevitable outcome (divorce),
can be emotionally and mentally
challenging.

After all, it is human nature to want
to feel nurtured and secure, no matter
where you live!

So, if you're thinking about getting a
divorce, what are truly viable reasons
for actually getting a divorce?

Each government has different laws
defining the difference
between 'fault' and 'no-fault' divorce
reasons that have enough merit that
allow for the divorce to be granted.

While it makes sense for you to keep
this in mind when deciding whether or
not to get a divorce because there may
be financial considerations to think
of, you should first focus on defining
your own emotional or "personal"
divorce reasons, regardless of what
the local governing body says.

If you ask 100 people how they define
viable reasons for wanting a divorce,
you'll most likely get 100 different
answers because they'll answer you
from their perspective, not yours.

Sure, there may be similarities to the
way you feel in some of those answers
about 'real' divorce reasons, you may
even agree with some. But, the real
answers to this question can only come
from you. You have to figure out what
reason or reasons would be viable in
your mind in order to actually go
through your decision about getting a
divorce or staying married.

Some reasons that people give for
getting a divorce, or wanting a
divorce, are purely selfish and have
no substance. An example of a reason
for wanting a divorce that has no
substance is not liking the fact that
your spouse has constant unfounded
jealousy. There is a deeper problem
that exists here, and in the case of
this example, it could be that the
spouse who constantly feels jealousy
has a confidence problem or some sort
of 'fear of loss'. Whatever the case,
the divorce reason in this example
clearly isn't viable and should
relatively easy to fix.

Often times when people give 'surface'
or flimsy reasons for wanting a
divorce, they really have much deeper
feelings about something and they're
just using the shallow divorce reason
as an avoidance of some kind. Or, they
give these 'foundation-less' reasons
for wanting a divorce because they
actually aren't aware that there are
other deeper rooted reasons that are
the cause of the way they feel now.

Common reasons that cause people to
think about or want to get a divorce:

*Couple has conflicting personal
beliefs

*Couples marital satisfaction
decreases

*Desertion

*Adultery

*Cruel treatment

*Bigamy

*Imprisonment

*Spousal Indignities

*Institutionalization

*Irretrievable Breakdown of some kind

Of course, you should add your own reasons
to the list for wanting a divorce, better yet,
make your own list. Solid divorce reasons
for wanting or going through a divorce
usually come from some sort of
occurrence, behavioral pattern, and/or
change in the viewpoint of the
marriage itself.

In order to really make a smart
decision, you should first list the
reasons that you have for wanting a
divorce, then examine those divorce
reasons for true viability. Then come
back to it that list in a day or so.

Chances are you will be able to
scratch a few of those reasons for
wanting a divorce off the list because
they were identified purely from an
emotional viewpoint rather than logic.

If you are thinking about getting a
divorce, and haven't clearly
identified what reasons you have for
feeling the way you do, you'll be
doing yourself a 'dis-service' if you
act without carefully examining the
viability each designated divorce
reason. Everyone has their own reasons
for wanting a divorce, make sure that
you are certain that your reasons are
truthfully viable to you before you
act on them.

Karl Augustine
Deciding on Divorce

Divorce reasons
About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

2005-09-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

Marriage, Divorce, and Kids by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

Its been said that one of the problems that
married couples have today is that men tend to
choose their wives the same way they choose their
cars or trucks.

They get the best one available and hope that
theres not much maintenance down the road.

While this may occasionally be true, there are
certain practices that married couples must follow
in order to avoid adding to a divorce rate that
hovers around 50%. These are practices that are
essential not only for the success of their
marriage, they are essential for the well-being of
our children.

In Maggie Gallaghers book, The Abolition of
Marriage, she states that, Half of all children
will witness the breakup of a parents marriage.
Of these, close to half will also see the breakup
of a parents second marriage.

Can we possibly continue with a system that allows
half of our children to witness the breakup of
their parents marriage? Is a divorce rate near
50% enough to have us consider new ideas about how
we decide about marriage and divorce?

One logical place to start is to educate people
about the qualities of a successful marriage.

We cant be effective when we educate them two
months before they marry. Emotional intelligence
skills and relationship skills must be taught to
our young people early in life.

When we do teach them about successful relationships,
we should include these qualities:

1.CommitmentAccording to one definition,
commitment is a freely chosen inner resolve to
follow through with a course even though
difficulty arises. How do we show our children
what to do when difficulty arises? Do we move to
where the grass is greener? Commitment is a daily
discipline. Its the core from which we respond to
difficulty. Its what makes our lives richer and
deeper.

2.Emotional AwarenessIf we know whats really
bothering us, we can have effective and meaningful
conversations with our spouse. We can be genuine,
honest, and open with each other. And we can
discover that much of the pain we feel in our
relationship is actually our past emotional
history coming back to haunt us.

If youre planning on getting married someday, be
aware of what your emotional issues are. And if
you dont know what your issues are, you may be
the most likely candidate for a divorce down the
road.

3.Be Kind, Not RightWe tend to have a tremendous
stake in showing our loved ones that were right.
An enormous amount of time is wasted in our
relationships by arguing over whos right or
wrong.

This excessive arguing is just an indication of our
low self-esteem. A much easier and more effective way
to be in a relationship is to commit to kindness. When
youre kind, you dont need to be right. And its much
easier for others to be with you!

There certainly are both justifiable divorces and
well-done divorces that are respectful of the
kids involved. But the number of divorces
involving childish and irresponsible decisions
based on self-interest is staggering.

Children deserve more than this. To allow a system
to continue that has half of our kids witnessing
their parents divorce is to turn our backs on our
most precious commodity.

Its time to consider alternatives. Lets look at
how we can spend more time educating and training
young people about relationship skills and
emotional intelligence. Lets look at the fact
that in about 80% of the divorces in this country,
only one of the participants (usually the woman)
wants to end the marriage. Can we keep no-fault
divorce as it is?

And most importantly, lets look at our own
attitudes about commitment and decide what we want
to do.

Because the cost of not doing these things is
beyond measure.

About the Author
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal
Coach and the author of Fix Your Wife in
30 Days or Less
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/saveyourmarriage.htm
Sign up for his free newsletter, Dads Dont Fix
Your Kids, at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.

2005-09-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE by Kaveh Nayeri, MS,

Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a way, like starting a business youve always wanted to own or a university program youve always wanted to enter.

It may be relatively easy to begin but it is almost guaranteed to be very challenging to stay with it for the long-term and make it a success.

Which one do you think is harder? Being successful in your marriage? In your education? Or in your career?

They are all challenging to achieve for most of us. Yet they are also goals that most of us pursue or dream about. Not everybody wants to get married but most adults want to have some form of love relationship that feels good and is right for them. And the topics in this article apply to all intimate and significant relationships, not just marriages.

Indeed the drive to form and maintain a successful love relationship seems to be consistently strong in most adults. And I have observed this repeatedly in my work as individual and couples therapist.

At the same time our 50 % + divorce rate clearly communicates the message that making our love relationship last and flourish is difficult.
If we add to the high occurrences of divorce, the numerous unhappy marriages out there in which the partners feel hopelessly stuck my point becomes even more clear.

In my work as a mental health clinician I have seen marital and relationship discord often. And as a husband in an 11-year marriage I have felt the severe pains of marital crisis.

Along the way I have formed some wisdom on ways to understand, preserve, and improve your marriage. I teach these in a workshop called All About Love and will present them in this article. Also you can log onto my website at www.loveyoursoul.com for additional information.

Please keep in mind that most of the advice I am providing below apply and are suggested to both you and your partner even if I do not always mention him or her. However in the event that your significant other is not willing to follow this advice, I suggest that you do them on your own and invite your partner to join you as soon as possible.

1. EXPECT RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

All or most marriages run into small and large problems eventually. Some marital problems can be anticipated and avoided. Others cannot be foreseen and must be faced, worked through, and resolved by both partners.

Marital crisis is often very painful to go through. But that does not mean that the marriage should be ended.

Conflicts are often tests of the strength of the love relationship. These are tests that both partners must take and pass before the marriage can graduate to a higher level of mutual satisfaction.

Your marital problem should tell you that there are some things that you have not understood about your partner and vice versa. You may also have lost hope for the relationship and neglected each others needs.

There is work to be done by each of you. It will probably be hard work but it is also required work to help resolve your marital conflict and for each of you to grow personally.

2. OBTAIN OUTSIDE HELP

The pain and complexity of marital crisis often handicap the couples ability to resolve the problem on their own. It is important that you start receiving couples counseling soon after the crisis begins because the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to save the marriage.
You should treat the crisis as a relationship emergency and act right away to get all the help you need.

It is important that you find a therapist who has the experience, knowledge, and motivation to treat marital problems. Also you and your partner should collaborate in order to choose a therapist who seems right for treating your marriage.

Also there are many organizations that provide relationship services. You can locate them through the internet, the phone book, your church, etc. I like the services advertised on the websites: imagorelationships.com and embracemarriage.com .

In addition you can request help from mature friends or relatives that you trust. Their help can be valuable and may include sharing their own experiences with marital problems, listening to you, or offering other support.

3. UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER

You must work hard to understand and change what is bothering your partner in the relationship. Chances are that even though your partner loves you there are significant and persistent problems he or she sees in you. And your partner may have lost hope for the relationship because of them.

You need to better understand your partners perception of these problems. It may be that your partner has a lot of dislike or fear for a certain problem. This fear was probably developed before you knew each other.

The persistence of these problems in you can be severely disappointing your partner even if they do not seem to be major issues to you.

For example your partner may have a large need for your time and affection because he/she was severely deprived of this in childhood and past relationships.

Your partner could be feeling hurt and disappointed in the relationship because this need has been misunderstood or neglected. The solution in this case would be for you (and your spouse) to become aware of the high importance of regular affection for him/her and to make sure the marriage takes care of this need.

If you identify these types of problems and work hard to resolve them, your loved one is likely to feel better about the relationship.
As usual this works both ways and you can ask your partner to do the same for you.

4. PRAY FOR THE MARRIAGE

Spirituality and regular prayer are powerful ways that can help you and your spouse heal your damaged relationship. It is important that you pray for your partner as well as for yourself. You can also ask God to help and heal your marriage.

There is a lot of variety and choice of spiritual practices. I suggest that you find and practice one that fits with your beliefs and feels right for you.

Spiritual strength could give you both the patience, peace of mind, understanding, love, and forgiveness that is often necessary to work your way out of marital trouble.

5. TOLERATE THE EMOTIONAL PAIN

Marital crises often involve severe emotional pain for both partners. You or your spouse may feel very depressed, angry, terrified, confused, hopeless, etc.

Many people end their marriages because they do not want to tolerate these pains or because they believe that the marital problems will never go away.

But the old saying: No Pain, No Gain often holds true for marriages and most marital problems can be solved if both partners are willing to put in the necessary work.

Counseling, spiritual practice, and if needed, medication can help relieve some of your emotional pain. But often much of the pain brought on by marital crisis must be tolerated until the marital wounds are healed.

You and your partner need to understand and accept that you are wounded emotionally and that the healing process may be slow and gradual.

Not all marriages or relationships deserve to be saved. And not all emotional pain associated with a relationship should be tolerated to preserve it.

Extreme situations for example when one partner is regularly physically abusing the other and is refusing to seek professional help may require divorce or a break-up to solve the problem.

But emotional injury caused by typical marital conflicts can often be treated and healed. However this process typically involves emotional pain and your ability to tolerate and live with this pain is a valuable skill.

I often tell my clients Happiness is on the other side of the pain.
In order to better understand and save your marriage you must work your way through and past the body of emotional pain that is blocking your way to marital happiness.

And if you do this work successfully your marriage will arrive at a new, higher grounds, where you can both feel free of pain and full of relationship joy, love, and appreciation of the meaning of marriage.

About the Author
Kaveh Nayeri is a Relationship Coach and Author with a master's degree in marriage and family therapy and 18 years of related experience. Kaveh guides love relationships (with your partner or self) away from pain toward healing, love, and peace. Kaveh can be reached at 858-459-8695 for phone coaching. Visit http://www.loveyoursoul.com for a complete listing of coaching services and teleclasses. Kaveh can also be reached by email at KNayeri@msn.com

2005-09-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Second Time Around the Block by Skye Thomas

Second Time Around The Block

Divorce happens. I'm not going to debate the causes or the moral and ethical implications of that here. Even if you're the innocent one who stuck to your vows and got dumped anyway, you still have to pick yourself up and move on. So let's start from that place. At some point you will wrestle within yourself and within your spiritual and religious beliefs as to whether or not you will date again. This article is for those of you who have decided that yes, you are going to date again and maybe even get married again. You've decided to give love a second chance.

In order to improve your odds at succeeding, you need to consider your timing. If your goal is to find true love and to have a wonderful long-term relationship with someone, then for your new partner's sake you must have worked through your issues over the last one. You may be dying inside, feeling incredibly vulnerable, alone, and needy. That's the time when it's easiest to reach out clutching at the first person who comes along that looks like they might be a decent fit into your world. Those rebound relationships seldom work out. Even if through your pain and misery you did manage to pick the ideal mate for yourself, you are still going to have emotions around your old partner. The new partner has to endure watching you ache and hurt for a marriage that's over. If you truly loved your spouse, even if you're the one who asked for the divorce, then you're going to have feelings of remorse and a need to mourn what is dead and gone. Ideally, you wouldn't have married them in the first place if you didn't truly love them and you have to on some level have expected 'happily ever after.' Even if you stayed too long and had time to process through the emotions of wanting to leave, you still have a good chance of feeling like you've failed at something so incredibly important. It can be excruciating to fall madly in love with someone and have to postpone the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship because your new love is processing through all of this stuff and really isn't able to completely submerge themselves into the beauty of falling in love with you.

If you can't wait until after you've really healed from all of those little triggers and such that keep going off in your head and heart, then at least be honest with your new partner and let them know where you really are in the process. You owe them that much. Give your new partner the truth as to where you are mentally so they can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to enter into a full time one on one relationship with you at this moment in time. You don't have to be completely alone though either. Perhaps you could continue dating lightly as friends and they can be a wonderful source of inspiration and a great ego booster during your recovery. Then down the road when you've gotten yourself in a place where you can really open your eyes and your heart to completely focus on creating a new relationship, then you can make a commitment. I think the key here is being really clear with yourself as to where you are in the whole thing and also trusting your new partner enough to tell them the truth.

When you do get to that place that you are able to really focus on someone else and you're truly ready to fall in love, then there's some other things to consider. It's only natural that each of our relationships shapes us and effects who we become on some level. How many of us have little quirks that arose due to past loves? Perhaps you were with someone abusive and now every time someone even raises their voice during an argument, red flags start going off and you start panicking. Perhaps you worked your tail off day and night to financially support a high maintenance princess and now you shutter every time your new girlfriend talks about needing more money to pay the utilities. Perhaps your partner forced you into sexual acts that weren't in your best interest and now you have some hang ups in the bedroom. These are all very natural and normal reactions. We are adaptable creatures that typically learn from our mistakes and try to not repeat bad circumstances. So why wouldn't we be cautious in the future? I'm simply suggesting that you sit with these thoughts for a while and make sure that you are not being unfair to your new partner. Are you punishing them for things that your ex did to you? Are you living your life as though the new person is exactly the same as the old one? Are you unconsciously creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and forcing your new partner to play out a role that your spouse played? Just look at these things and be aware. It can really make the difference between repeating another bad marriage and having a successful second chance at love.

One last thought which is sort of the flip side to the one just mentioned. Sometimes we don't realize that we try to repeat the good things from our old relationship with the new partner. For example, taking them on the exact same romantic weekend and trying to relive the wonder of the first time with the first partner. Sometimes we don't realize that we make unfair comparisons, "Well my first wife always had my dinner on the table when I came home." "Well my first husband knew how to fix the car so that we didn't have to pay a mechanic to do it." Don't look to recreate the first marriage. Instead, remember that this is a unique and different relationship with a unique and different partner. Love them for who they are.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
About the Author
Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to life in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. Go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net to read more of her articles and to get a free preview of one of her books.

2005-09-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Marriage, you are the weakest evolutionary link, Goodbye ! by TrysDan Roberts

You cannot turn on the television or radio these days without having the argument, 'marriage is an old institutionalized sacred union between a man and a woman,' rammed down your throat.

It is widely accepted that as each generation of men and women enters adulthood, values and ideologies change and evolve. Many beliefs for moral reasons, are abandoned. i.e... slavery. Marriage is a very old ritual one should examine to see if it should be abandoned or modified.

Marriage, exactly how old are you?

"The best available evidence suggests that its about 4,350 years old. For thousands of years before that, most anthropologists believe, families consisted of loosely organized groups of as many as 30 people, with several male leaders, multiple women shared by them, and children. As hunter-gatherers settled down into agrarian civilizations, society had a need for more stable arrangements. The first recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies uniting one woman and one man dates from about 2350 B.C., in Mesopotamia. Over the next several hundred years, marriage evolved into a widespread institution embraced by the ancient Hebrews, Greeks, and Romans. But back then, marriage had little to do with love or with religion." (1.)

Marriage, What was the purpose of creating you?

Marriage served a number of biological and social functions:

▪ Women needed to have a place in society and marriage allowed men to obtain women as their own personal property (honor and obey.)

▪ Marriage ensured that a mans children were his true biological heirs. A man could even return a woman if she did not produce for him.

▪ Ancient cultures, such as ancient Greeks and Romans, (2.) men were allowed, and still are in a few present cultures, to have several wives for the purpose of producing many offspring.

▪ Ancient cultures, such as ancient Greeks and Romans, (3.) wives were forced to stay at home taking care of the children and home while the husbands engaged in sexual activities with prostitutes.

Marriage, what role did organized religion play?

Christian doctrine relegated the role of the woman as that of a servant to her husband. Women were forbidden to divorce and men were considered the head and boss of the family. Raping your wife was frowned upon but legal.

Fortunately, modern marriage has evolved to be a much more civilized institution in most cultures. The cultures where religion plays a major role in government, the plight of the married woman is very disturbing.

In recent months, the institution of marriage is being challenged by those seeking same sex marriages. The opponents of gay marriage say the roots of heterosexual marriage are a sacred ritual between a man and a women.

After examining the origins and history of heterosexual marriage, it can be argued that because women in the free societies are no longer considered property, the institution of marriage should be abolished and replaced with a civil union for all.

So let us all shout: Marriage, you are the weakest evolutionary link, Goodbye!

References:

(1.) (2.) (3.) The origins of marriage http://www.theweekmagazine.com/briefing.asp?a_id=567
4/2/2004
2004 The Week Publications, Inc. All rights reserved. THE WEEK is a registered trademark owned by Felix Dennis. THEWEEKMAGAZINE.COM is a trademark owned by Felix Dennis.

Copyright 2003, 2004TrysDan Roberts www.trysdansbooks.com

About the Author
About the author:
TrysDan Roberts is a published author of articles and the novel, The Sinking Of Noahs Ark. For more info about TrysDan go to : www.trysdansbooks.com Email TrysDan at: Trysdan@yahoo.com

2005-09-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Divorce Advice: Getting Divorce Advice From the Right Source" by Karl Augustine

Getting the right type of divorce
advice depends on what type of divorce
advice you want and what you want to
use it for. When looking for advice
about divorce, it is smart to clearly
define what you are seeking the advice
for so you can be sure to look in the
right places.

Seems simple enough right?

Yes, but...lots of people who are
deciding about divorce and seeking
divorce advice lump the categories of
divorce advice into one, and that's a
big mistake. You should seek divorce
advice from different types of places
for the different types of advice that
you need. Certainly there's more types
of divorce advice categories, but
here's a partial list:

Divorce advice type 1: Legal advice
for getting a divorce when you are
sure that you want a divorce, no
matter how tough it will be to get
that divorce. When asking for this
type of divorce advice while meeting
with an attorney, you may be asked if
you're certain that you actually do
want a divorceif you do, don't waver,
stick to your decision. It makes sense
to have a good idea of all of the
parts of your life, family and
materials, that could be affected or
sought after. You want to have your
facts, account names, timelines, etc.,
in mind when meeting with the attorney
so that your discussion is maximized.

Divorce advice type 2: Legal advice
for getting a divorce when you are
almost sure that you want a divorce,
but want to make sure that the
financial considerations are in order
or that health of your children won't
suffer in the long run. When asking
for this type of divorce advice, you
may want to consider seeking the
advice of an attorney or financial
planner for the financial
considerations and a counselor
experienced in family matters for the
impact that a divorce might have on
your children. The point is, split the
two concerns up so that you get the
chance to speak to 2 different people
who specialize in each area so that
you will get the appropriate divorce
advice.

Divorce advice type 3: Legal advice
for getting a divorce in a case that
is relatively simple and will be a
clean break, no financial or other
family considerations to take into
account for the divorce. This is
perhaps the easiest type of divorce
advice to get because it infers that
you have already made the decision
from an emotional standpoint and
really don't have any other
considerations of deep concern. When
seeking this type of divorce advice,
you most likely have limited financial
considerations, a prenuptial
agreement, or the situation itself as
amenable to everyone and you just need
someone to do the paperwork.

Divorce advice type 4: Legal and/or
counseling advice regarding whether or
not divorce is right for you from a
psychological, emotional and financial
perspective. When asking for this type
of divorce advice, you may want to
consider seeking the advice of an
attorney or financial planner for the
financial considerations and a
counselor experienced in Clinical
Psychology and "personal-life"
coaching for the impact that a divorce
might have on you. Again, the point
is, split the two concerns up so that
you get a chance to speak to 2
different people who specialize in
each area so that you will get the
appropriate divorce advice.

Divorce advice type 5: Counseling for
emotional support when deciding
whether or not you really want a
divorce or are just unhappy in your
marriage. This type of divorce advice
is crucial to your happiness because
when you're in an emotional state, it
is tough to make lucid and rational
decisions. And, if you're wrestling
with deciding whether or not to get a
divorce (purely from an emotional
perspective), you should do all you
can to make a logical decision because
how you approach this decision and the
affects afterwards can be long lasting
and far reaching. If you're are
struggling with finding divorce
advice, you may want to talk to
friends, counselors, even other family
members.

But, my divorce advice to you is, do
it yourself.

I'm not saying don't talk with
friends, counselors, and possibly
family. What I am suggesting is that
you reach the final decision of
whether to get a divorce on your own,
you have to live with it, no one else.

The answer is inside you, you just
have to get it out in a logical manner.

Whatever type of divorce advice you
need, be sure that you're directing
your energies in the right direction.

If you don't separate the emotional
aspects from the legal aspects of
divorce advice, you might end up
confused and unable to get the most
out of any meeting you may have with
an attorney or marriage counselor. At
the end of the day, you should control
your own destiny and make a smart
decision based on logic, controlled
emotion, and forward thinking.

Karl Augustine, "A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not Top Get
A Divorce"

*Marriage Counselor Recommended
Divorce Advice

About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com
divorce advice

2005-09-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Marriage Problem; Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?" by Karl Augustine

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying
to do all you can to make your
marriage work. Depending on how your
marriage was prior to thinking that
you had a marriage problem, you could
be in for a hurtful time if you don't
take a step back and look at your
marriage problem from a "helicopter"
viewpoint. To do that, you're going to
need to try to limit your emotional
stake in the situation which
admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a
marriage problem is to remember that
you aren't alone, lots of couples have
marriage problems that stem from all
kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage
problems that you may or may not be
experiencing:

Marriage problem #1: Lack of sexual
intimacy - a serious issue that you
must work through in my opinion if
your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2: Exploding during
an argument, getting too emotional and
letting your temper get the best of
you - you need to learn to work
together and you can't do that if one
of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3: Being selfish -
eventually this will catch up to you.
You should always think of your
partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4: Being dishonest -
another serious issue. If you cannot
be 100% honest and open with your
mate, you're marriage is most likely
doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5: Teasing too much-
generally the husband does this but it
could go either way. If there's a
little bit of truth to the teasing or
there's a greater marriage problem
that incites the teasing, you could be
in for a long road to recovery
together. Chances are that you'll have
a lot more work to do to correct this
marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6: Not respecting
your spouse - this marriage problem
can result in all types of other
problems. If you are experiencing this
you must get to the root of this and
figure out why the disrespect is
present. If you aren't getting the
every day respect that you deserve,
make it a priority to not let this go
on another day.

Marriage problem #7: Not being
attentive to your spouse or not
listening to your spouse - men are
usually guilty of this marriage
problem but is isn't exclusive to the
weaker gender by any means. Really
listening doesn't mean obeying, it
means understanding what's important
to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage
problem", you have to decide what
those are as they pertain to your
situation.

So, how do you figure out if a
marriage problem or problems are
severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your
marriage problem actually is and
decide if it is exclusively a problem
for you or if it is something that you
both consider to be a marriage
problem. If you are the only one who
sees the said action as a marriage
problem, you have to decide whether or
not that specific marriage problem is
being caused by you or whether it is
truly a problem brought on by your
spouse. If the marriage problem is
unique to you, seek some help from a
counselor and do yourself the courtesy
of trying to correct the problem
before you believe that you need to
run right out and get a divorce.

You'll be a better person for it
because you will have fixed something
within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the
marriage problem is caused and
prolonged by your spouse, sit down
with yourself first and examine what
you believe to be the root cause of
the behavior that creates the marriage
problem. Make sure that you are being
logical when you identify the behavior
that you feel is causing the marriage
problem and try to recall if the
traits or behavior that you've
identified in your spouse
are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming
of course, that your spouse will agree
that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the
information that you've reflected on
and try to talk through the cause of
the marriage problem. Hopefully your
spouse will be open to constructive
discussion regarding the marriage
problem so you can work through it
together. If you cannot do work on the
marriage problem together, seek the
help of a mediator or marriage
counselor so you can actually talk out
the marriage problem logically. If you
cannot work it out after counseling,
deep self-reflection and discussions,
you should be able to decide whether
or not the marriage problem warrants a
divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but
you.

Karl Augustine
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/marriage-problem.htm

About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
marriage problem

2005-09-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Sexless Marriage : Does Your Sexless Marriage Have You Thinking About Divorce?" by Karl Augustine

If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy because of it, don't worry, it isn't unrecoverable but it is serious cause for concern. You may even be thinking that you need a divorce because of your sexless marriage, that's only natural. But, in order to really decide what to do, some thinking needs to be done so you feel good about your decision, regardless if you stay married or not.

Being stuck in a sexless marriage can have you feeling a wide range of feelings from loneliness, listlessness, confusion, unconfident, etc. These feelings come about for a variety of reasons and they can be overcome if you just figure out why you're in a sexless marriage. You need to get to the root of the problem and uncover the real reasons that you and your spouse are no longer sexually active assuming of course, you once were!

To get to the heart of the causes for a sexless marriage will take some time. On the surface, you may be thinking that the cause of your sexless marriage may include one or more of the following scenarios:

Sexless Marriage: "We both work too much!":

You both work extremely hard and there just never seems to be enough time to get together, your schedules are skewed. This is true a lot nowadays with the 'new' economy, lots of couples are married but just live together like roommates if both parties have 'time-consuming' careers. If not managed properly, it is unfortunate but common for people in this type of lifestyle to end up in a sexless marriage.

Sexless Marriage: "You work, I stay home with the kid/s!":

One of you works very hard with your career and one of you stays home to raise the children (child), which is equally as hard as any career! This situation can lead to a sexless marriage in many cases because of the seemingly disparate priority base of each party. The spouse with the career may need to work after hours, travel, or attend "post work" functions and the spouse who stays home raising the children (child) may not have any other outlet for relaxation away from the home front. This situation can easily lead to a sexless marriage because there may be underlying feelings from both sides that contribute to an already tough situation based on personal and work related schedules.

The spouse with the career may say at times, "Why do you think I work so hard? I do it for you, the kids, our family, etc.". The spouse who stays home with the children (child) may say at times, "You have another release, you have social interaction daily with the outside world. I feel stuck here sometimes, I need to get out and have time for myself.". If the spouse that stays home feels like the spouse with the career enjoys being out and working more than being home, that calls for a whole different and escalated level of concern! Chances are the sexless marriage was bound to be that way before the current situation even arose.

Sexless Marriage: "I don't know why...there's just no spark left, you don't pay enough attention to me and our sex life and I guess I don't either!":

This is a common sexless marriage situation and it can be caused by a variety of things including emotional scars, bad experiences, boredom, laziness, etc. In this situation, there is deep cause for concern from both parties because both parties aren't happy sexually but don't really know why it ended up this way. Both parties have just "let things go" and didn't place a high enough priority on their sex life with their spouse, which in and of itself is very concerning.

Why would either or both parties let things get this way when love making is so important?

Sometimes there's a feeling of being taken for granted that can occur in this type of sexless marriage, and both parties should realize that sex is a basic human need and should take priority over other things at the right time. It takes work to get out of this type of sexless marriage, you need to sit down and figure out why your marital love life has dwindled. If you both really want to rekindle things, you can do so, but you both need to take equal responsibility for correcting the problem.

Whatever type of sexless marriage you are in (there's certainly more types than listed here), remember that it is not unrecoverable. If you're to the point of thinking about getting a divorce because of your sexless marriage, take the time to sit down and figure out how it got to be the way it is now.

If you've lost interest in your spouse from a sexual point of view, you need to define exactly why that occurred. If you don't know right off hand, you need to think back to a time when you did 'have the spark' and recall what you both were doing, feeling, thinking, etc. From that point, identify what has changed, why it has changed, and what you can do about it. When you get that portion figured out, you may well on your way to taking the first step of recovering from your sexless marriage. Remember, if you really want to rekindle your relationship, you can.
About the Author
Karl Augustine
"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"
deciding on divorce
sexless marriage

2005-08-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Extramarital Affair: Should You Get A Divorce Just Because One Of You Had An Extramarital Affair?" by Karl Augustine

Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a life-changing event, regardless of whether you stay married or not. Inescapable feelings can come over both people that will never be forgotten by either of them. The person who actually had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt, loneliness, confusion and misdirection along with many other feelings. The 'partner' who did not have the extramarital affair can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with.

The feelings that come as a result of one or both parties having an extramarital affair are natural but can also be extensions of something much deeper. Of course, if someone has an extramarital affair, both people in that marriage will have feelings that will be "surface level" only at first. Arguments can occur, denial may set in, and/or tempers can flare due to the extramarital affair. While these things are only natural and to be expected, if your going to actually survive an extramarital affair, you must look at the deeper issues and get down to the real cause of the affair and what to do about it.

People in marriages don't often look at having extramarital affairs lightly, and they realize most times what affects their actions will have on their marriage. If someone has an extramarital affair and doesn't think that it will have an affect on their marriage, surely they are either in denial or their definition of marriage leans strongly towards the "open" side. For the rest of the married crowd who don't subscribe to an "open" marriage and who have to deal with an extramarital affair, things can get a bit more complex.

Complexity can be interesting no doubt, but it can also add to the confusion of someone having an extramarital affair, especially if the couple or one party in that couple wants to look deeper at the situation and figure out two very important things:

1. Why did the extramarital affair happen?

2. Does the fact that there was an extramarital affair in the marriage really warrant getting a divorce when both people agree upon the reason that the extramarital affair happened in the first place?

If the couple really wants to save their marriage in spite of the extramarital affair, then finding out why the extramarital affair happened and agreeing on that reason is the first step in the healing process. If you are currently trying to save your marriage and one of you had an extramarital affair, try to limit your pain that you feel and talk things out with your spouse so you can clearly define and agree upon exactly why the extramarital affair took place. If you cannot do this, chances are you will never get over the extramarital affair and your marriage most likely won't survive...or at least you won't have a healthy marriage after the extramarital affair.

After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that the extramarital affair took place, you must decide whether that reasons (or reasons) warrant actually going through a painful divorce. At this point you have 2 choices...either decide in your own or decide with your spouse. The latter is optimal for a variety of reasons but the main reason is that you may actually save your marriage if you decide together. Deciding together whether the real reason an extramarital affair took place indicates that you're both really reaching out for something, something you most likely didn't have prior to the extramarital affair...togetherness.

So, should you get a divorce just because one of you had an extramarital affair?
No, not necessarily. Depending on how collaborative you can be with your spouse, how 'detective-like' you can act, and how much soul searching you can do, you may just become stronger together because of an extramarital affair. It may sound odd, but that's the truth. Of course, it is entirely possible (and probable) that if you both don't define and agree on why the extramarital affair took place and work to address that reason or reasons, your marriage won't ever be healthy again and you'll never be able to healthily survive the extramarital affair.

About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

Deciding on Divorce

Extramarital affair

2005-08-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Women and Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce" by Karl Augustine

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who think that their husband will be asking about getting a divorce at some point should put their emotions aside and plan "just in case" their intuition is correct that a divorce may be coming in the near future. If women who believe that the "divorce discussion" may be lurking, they should make it a point to look for solid signs that their husband will indeed ask for a divorce...then they should plan accordingly.

Women who think that they are signs that her husband may ask for a divorce but haven't thought about it deeply or who think that a divorce would better suit them rather than their husbands, should view the situation realistically and as stoically as possible. This will ensure that plan they take is calculated, logical and will benefit them based on what they want the end result to yield.

Often times women refuse to think that a divorce could happen to them and one day their husband comes home and says "There's something I have been meaning to talk to you about..." or "I think we should get a divorce." or something similar. If the situation has reached this point, its too late for women to start planning for their financial future after divorce.

So what do women who think a divorce is eminent or who want a divorce for themselves do in order to ensure they aren't left in financial ruin?

There's certainly a myriad of tactics that can be used and each woman's situation is different regarding divorce, but here's some tactics that will help:

Women and divorce tactic 1:

Once women know that they will be getting a divorce, they should make a plan and keep it to themselves. They shouldn't let anyone know what they've decided to do. They should not tell their friends, co-workers, or family...no one. And they certainly shouldn't lead on to their husband that they want a divorce if they are the ones who will be making the first move to end the marriage.

Women and divorce tactic 2:

Women in divorce should realize that the plan they take may require several months to implement and they should be patient and plan logically. Women should learn how much money it would take to support themselves (and children if the situation warrants it), how much money is actually available to them now, and how they can adjust their lifestyle to make sure they can financially survive.

Women and divorce tactic 3:

Women who may be facing divorce should look at the household wills. In some cases, it may be legal to take someone out of a will or put someone into a will without that person knowing.

Women and divorce tactic 4:

Women who want to plan for divorce should try to put away cash in the event something dramatic happens unexpectedly. Bit by bit, putting cash away somewhere in a place that cannot be found by heir husband will allow women to make sure they can survive in the event of "unforeseen circumstances".

Women and divorce tactic 5:

Women who plan on getting divorced should document any events that will strengthen their case against their husband. Occurrences such as physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and drunken stupors that end in embaraasment or abuse are examples or instances that should be documented because these happeneings strengthen any case the women have against their husband.

Women and divorce tactic 6:

Women who know that divorce is in their future should do all they can to decrease liabilities and increase their access to money. This includes paying down mutual debt, establishing credit of their own if they do not have credit already, and making sure that the mortgage (if there is one) is paid down as much as possible.

Women and divorce tactic 7:

Women who are serious about getting a divorce or who think that their husband might ask for a divorce in the future should gather all documents that have to do with anything financial that has their name listed. They should make a list of all these items with financial institution name, address, account number, balance, interest rate, etc. Knowing exactly what is at stake financially will help alleviate surprises later.

Planning a divorce can be as painful for women as it can be for men. Generally, women aren't the breadwinners (although things are getting a lot closer to being 'new age' than in previous decades) and getting surprised with divorce papers can have long term financial affects to women who don't plan accordingly and protect themselves financially.
About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.

Deciding on Divorce

Women and Divorce

2005-08-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

Too Many Divorces by Skye Thomas

My oldest boy asked me something the other day about all the news regarding the high divorce rate. I told him there aren't too many divorces, there's too many marriages. Most people get married without really knowing who they are marrying or just how big of a commitment they are making. Heck, most people get married before they even know themselves very well. When the reality of it all hits them, they are either stuck in a bad marriage for life, or they get a divorce. Education is the solution.

Know yourself well before committing yourself to a life of marriage to another person. Are you really ready? Are you done playing the field? Do you still have wild oats to sow? Is your career or higher education going to get in the way of your ability to really build a life with someone else? What are your beliefs about marriage? Are you a high maintenance or low maintenance personality? Are you ready for kids? Do you even want kids? How exactly do you plan on raising them? Are you going to be a smothering parent or one who pushes the child into independence? Tough love or doting? What kind of financial lifestyle do you want? Can you achieve it before you have kids or should you wait and have kids later when you've set things up just so? How much intimacy do you want, need, prefer? How accommodating are you to other people's needs? Are you a team player or a bit self indulged? There are no right or wrong answers, you just need to have your eyes wide open for the sake of your future spouse. You need to be able to tell them straight up what it is you're offering. What exactly does 'let's get married' look like to you?

Know your partner before proposing or accepting their proposal. Are they really ready? Do you trust them not to cheat? What are their career aspirations? What are their spiritual beliefs and how important are they to them? What religion does your partner want to raise your children in? Are they high maintenance or low? Do you have what it takes to please them? Are they the type that will naturally please you without having to force yourselves to take care of each other? Do they want kids? If so, when? What kind of financial lifestyle do they want to raise a family in? Are they the type to want to just dive in and trust that everything will turn out okay or do they have a plan that they're going to want you to agree to and follow with them? What is their parenting style and beliefs? How much intimacy does your partner like? How well do they compromise with others? Again, there are no right or wrong answers, but you need to know these things about the other person before agreeing to marry them.

I heard a wonderful New Age definition of marriage recently. They said marriage is the act of agreeing to live out someone else's karma with them. So ask yourself, what's my partner's karma look like? What goes around comes around. What are they putting out into the world? And what kind of energy are you putting out into the world? Would it be fair to ask someone to join you in your karma? Be honest.

Young people really need to be educated as to what marriage is. So many girls accept the first proposal that comes along assuming it's the best they'll ever get. I think the fear that we'll be alone makes us afraid to say no to someone who isn't necessarily the right partner for us. I suspect the boys proposing are doing the same thing. Our fear of being alone and our low self-esteems make us desperate to couple up without really checking out who we're going to be with and what it is we have to offer them. Add to that the dizzyingly wonderful high that first comes along with falling in love and it's almost more than folks can handle. It's only natural that we would want to stay on that high forever. When we're young, we think that the high will last forever if we get married. We're committing to the emotions, not to the cold hard facts of who we are, who they are, and what marriage together would really end up looking like. It's very difficult to do, and much easier said than done, but young kids need to take a step back and seriously look at these questions before moving forward with marriage commitments.

The adults I know who have gone through repeat marriages and divorces are all still making that same mistake. They're marrying the rush of emotions before doing their homework and finding out who they're actually in love with. We are in love with being in love. Beautiful stuff, but often a sure formula for divorce once reality hits. If we can learn how to take a step back and bring our heads in where our hearts have taken over, I think we could save ourselves a lot of heartache down the line. Yeah, we probably wouldn't get married as early in life, because it will take a while to find the right one. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. The older and wiser we are, the better the chances that we're going to be able to openly and honestly present ourselves to potential mates.

As a society, if we would just wait for the right one to come along, we'd see a huge drop in the divorce rate. There will always be weird unexpected things that happen, but overall marriage would actually have a fighting chance at being a happily ever after thing again. Choose wisely and hold it sacred when you do find that special someone. Know just how rare and special they are. And give thanks daily once you find them.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
About the Author
Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net.

2005-08-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Is She Cheating? - Many Unsuspecting Husbands Find Out Too Late by Ruth Houston

2004

Couples therapists report a 50% increase in female infidelity. The cover story in the current issue of Newsweek magazine is all about cheating wives: The New InfidelityFrom Office Affairs to Internet Hook-Ups, More Wives Are Cheating Too. Yet, as widespread as female infidelity has become, many unsuspecting husbands have no idea their wives are having an affair. They often find themselves in a situation like David in the Newsweek article, who found out his wife was cheating the day she told him she wanted a divorce. Unsuspecting husbands are often surprised when they learn about a cheating wifes extramarital affair. But, the stark reality is that if a husband isnt familiar with the signs of infidelity, by the time he finds out his wife is cheating, its usually too late.

Women Dont Become Cheaters Overnight

Yet many of the signs may have been there all along. A woman doesnt become a cheating wife overnight. Infidelity develops in stages. In almost every case, there are numerous telltale signs along the way. In fact, many of the warning signs of impending infidelity are evident long before the physical act of infidelity actually takes place.

Know How to Spot the Telltale Signs

The husband who knows how to spot the signs of infidelity has a fighting chance to save his marriage. He wont end up like John LeSage in the Newsweek article who was devastated when he came home one day and found that his wife of 24 years had disappeared. John said, I would have done a lot things differently, but I never got the chance. This loving, but unsuspecting husband never knew his marriage was in jeopardy because he was unfamiliar with the warning signs.

Identifying the Problem

The first step in solving a problem is knowing that the problem exists. There are certain telltale signs that serve as a wake-up call that a marriage is in trouble. A husband doesnt need to hire a private detective or invest in sophisticated surveillance equipment to find out if his wife is having an affair. If he knows what to look for, all he needs are his eyes, his ears and his personal knowledge of his wife. Knowing what to look for is the key.

21 Categories of Telltale Signs

There are 21 categories of telltale signs, with numerous signs in each category. Of course, no can be expected to know them all. Thats why it makes sense to invest in a relationship reference book like Is He Cheating on You? in order to become more knowledgeable about the warning signs. After all, most families have a medical reference book in their home to alert them to the signs and symptoms of health and medical problems. The same thing applies to marital problems like infidelity.

Universal Telltale Signs

Some of the signs of infidelity documented in Is He Cheating on You?829 Telltale Signs apply exclusively to cheating men. But many of the signs are universal and apply to both cheating husbands and cheating wives. Additional information about infidelity can be found at www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com Although the website is primarily directed to women, about a third of the e-mails received come from men seeking advice about various telltale signs.

So What Should a Husband Do?

With infidelity affecting 80% of all marriages, the husband who values his marriage would do well to become familiar with the warning signs. He should always strive to be aware of his wifes feelings and keep abreast of the things that are going on in her life. Its not about being overly suspicious. Its about keeping a finger on the pulse of his marriage. Forewarned is forearmed. This way, hell be equipped to recognize even the most subtle telltale signs. The future of his marriage may well depend on his ability to spot those telltale signs in time.

Ruth Houston 2004 All rights reserved.

About the Author
Ruth Houston is the author of Is He Cheating on You?829 Telltale Signs. For more information about the book or about infidelity, visit http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com or
http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com To sign up for the FREE infidelity newsletter send an e-mail
with newsletter in the subject line to CheatingSigns@aol.com

2005-08-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

7 Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion After Divorce by Joanie Winberg

Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person's life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living "out of the habit" of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as "super" moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!

Take a deep breath and let's start to rediscover our true passions and say... Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1) Treasure Your Gifts Within

Realizing we are all born as "gold nuggets" is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don't like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent. keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It's already there!

2) Give Yourself A Break

During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. For example, barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work early to give yourself this needed time. Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission - it's O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3) No regrets! No bitterness!

Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the "what if's" and "if only's"? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself... are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! A quote from Buddy Hackett, "I never hold a grudge because while I am being angry, the other person is out dancing."

4) Enjoy the Little Things

Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the "good stuff" in life happens. Yesterday is gone forever and tomorrow's worries are tomorrow. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one's life.

So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull you back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5) What Makes Your Heart Sing?

What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life's purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and why you were put on this earth. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It's your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood? Floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its' own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?

Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, "What you think about, you bring about" or "The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you." When going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Recognize if your feelings are low energy or high energy.

A few examples of low energy are stress, negativity, fear, resentment, or a sense of lack (lack of time or money) and high energy is joy, abundance, happy, positive, love or compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how do you make a shift to feel more of the high energy?

First, acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Be gentle with yourself! Your goal is to make a shift, but realize you might not be able to go from low to high instantly. Start with baby steps! Repeat step number three and become present! Be thankful for what is working in your life right now. Do something simple like pat your pet, smell a flower or, if you are in the office, take a minute to think of a previous fun time or experience you have had that could bring a smile to your face. Feel the shift you are starting to make in your energy.

Now, to amp up this high-energy feeling, think of another time of joy or something you were passionate about in your life. Keep adding these thoughts to your high-energy feeling and begin to feel great! Does it seem the people or situations around you have changed or is it you who has really changed? So, who has the power to feel their own joy? When you are feeling your high energy, this is the time to take your next inspired action. Enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something with ease and less effort!

7) Be True To Yourself

During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn't I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn't feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say yes, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don't want to or have to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes, yet, find yourself having doubts, try this . STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to volunteer or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing might not be right for you. If you are still excited, join the committee and have fun!

Divorce is not easy or fun, but you can make it through this time of your life by realizing you WILL make it! Also, honor yourself and listen to your heart! Your true purpose and passions are waiting to be rediscovered within you! When you have discovered the "gold nugget" you already are, you will start to live your life with more ease and enjoy the feeling of peace. "You are truly free!"

Copyright 2004 by Joanie Winberg. All Rights Reserved.

About the Author
Joanie Winberg, Certified Business/Life Coach, Certified Laughter Coach and Professional speaker, founder of Success and Life Coaching. Joanie specializes in working with groups of women after divorce and after 50+ years. For additional information contact Joanie Winberg at 508-947-2750 or http://www.successandlifecoaching.com.

2005-08-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

3 Major Divorce Parenting Mistakes And Learn How To Avoid Them by Ruben Francia

What 3 major divorce parenting mistakes that surely lead to unhappy, unhealthy and unsuccessful children? Parents know these for your children seek.

1. Failure To Act According To Child's Best Interest

This divorce parenting mistake stem from not knowing what exactly these interest are. Experts do agree on two factors that can be said to be the foundation for a child's true best interest:

Maintain familial ties that were meaningful and important to your children prior to the divorce.

Provide a generally supportive and cooperative in-between parent relationships.

Act according to child's best interest.

2. Failure To Let Go The Hurt's Of One's Divorce

Let go of grudges you may hold against your former spouse. Holding onto feelings of anger will not change your situation and will probably consume a great deal of your energy - energy you need to devote to creating a positive environment for your child. If you dwell on your disappointment and dislike with your former spouse - chances are your child will sense your feelings and suffer in some way from your negative attitude. Overcome this divorce parenting mistake. Let go and forgive.

3. Failure To Win Divorce Parenting Cooperation

If divorced parents can put aside their personal feelings before the welfare of their children and choose to interact with one another in a respectful and dignified way, their children will benefit. Beat this kind of divorce parenting mistake. Learn to win your ex parenting cooperation.

Sure, you can have healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. Do act according to child's best interest, let go and forgive, and win the parenting cooperation of your ex. Remember, how bad and well children go through the divorce depends on how you handle the situation. Never let your divorce ruin your children's life.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author bylines are included.
About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-08-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Divorce Decision: Things To Consider When Making A Decision About Divorce" by Karl Augustine

When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few things that you should consider. Too often people find themselves unable to clearly identify what they need to think about when making a divorce decision which leads to further indecision and frustration. When making a serious divorce decision, having an open mind and listing the things that will figure into your decision about divorce, will help make the process a little simpler for you.

The things to consider when deciding about divorce varies somewhat from person to person, but here is a list of the most common items to contemplate:

Divorce Decision Item 1: Making sure that you are emotionally ready to go through with a decision.

Not being really ready to decide about whether to get a divorce because of emotional uncertainty will be a serious obstacle if you let your emotions cloud your ability to reason or use logic. People often fear making a tough decision and there are many reasons why people don't ever get around to actually making a divorce decision, which is often one of the toughest decisions to make in life. If you aren't ready to handle the emotional pain of what could be a "life changing" event like deciding about divorce, wait until you can before going through your divorce decision making process.

Divorce Decision Item 2: Making sure that the reasons for divorce that you've listed regarding why you think you want a divorce are indeed valid.

Too often people make the mistake of wanting to get a divorce (or thinking they want to get a divorce) for unviable reasons. This comes from being wrapped up with the idea of being hurt and focusing on one's self rather than separating the actual events from the end results.

Yes, it is very tough to elevate your thinking and be seemingly autonomous to your own situation...in fact, it is often impossible to do. But, if you can look at your situation with someone else in your place, and then go through your divorce decision making process, you'll be closer to the real answer that you want.

Divorce Decision Item 3: Understanding that your sense of self-confidence, ability to be 'self sustaining' with finances or other material things, and desire to 'start over' are all unwavering.

This mix of considerations about divorce can be overpowering for some people when they try to 'break away' or make the decision about getting a divorce. Simply, these 'things to think about' intertwine and affect each other directly. Self-confidence is essential to being able to make a lucid divorce decision, and your level of self-confidence can easily be changed (for better or worse) instantly. If this is the case, you should really re-think whether you're ready to make a divorce decision and follow through with it.

A lot of time, women in divorce situations have to deal with finance issues and they fear going out on their own because they've had financial support previously. Still, the fear of losing finances or material things is not gender specific by any means...men and women alike need to decide if they are ready to go through financial loss to improve their lives if they feel a divorce will do so. Logic will lead you to the fact that finances shouldn't be the only piece of your divorce decision even though it usually figures in...as to what level finances figure into your divorce decision, will depend on you and what you deem important.

If your overall confidence and desire to start over with your love life support making a change, you're off to a good start in making a smart decision about whether to divorce or not.

Divorce Decision Item 4: Determining who else your divorce decision will affect and how much weight that carries in your decision making formula about divorce.

This item to consider when thinking about divorce is one of the primary things that can lead a person to a decision, one way or another. Even though it can have serious negative repercussions, selfless people will take into account everyone else who will be affected by a serious change like getting a divorce...it is fundamental portion of the overall process of making a smart divorce decision. Children, in-laws, common friends, etc., all will be affected by what you do regarding your action as a result of you truly answering the question, "Should I Get A Divorce?".

When making your decision about staying married or getting divorced, you should look to the future and decide whether your decision will improve or decrease your quality of life and the quality of life of those that will be affected. The number one reason given by people who want to get divorced but don't go through with it, stems from the fear that others will suffer from the divorce. Be very careful when assessing this situation...make sure that you use logic and not emotion when evaluating your thoughts.

Making a divorce decision is a serious and difficult task because it is complex, deeply self-reflective, and frightening due to the length of time it can affect you and others. Make sure that you have your thoughts organized and prioritized and you take your time in making a decision.

About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/divorcedecision.htm

Divorce Decision

2005-08-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

BREAKING UP. Rights and obligations with prenuptial agreement. by Jeffrey Broobin

Prenuptial Agreements (Premarital Contract) are like insurance policies. You do the paperwork, and then hope you'll never need it. However, since half of marriages end in divorce within the first seven years, you may want to consider a prenuptial agreement before you walk down the aisle and say, "I do."

Since you could later be engaged in a nasty, costly, and emotionally draining divorce some day, you should consider a prenuptial agreement as a precaution. Below we have given you some information on what is in a prenuptial agreement and whether it could be useful for you.

A prenuptial or ante nuptial agreement is a document signed by two people who intend to be married. It describes their rights and obligations should they get divorced. A prenuptial agreement informs the court how they want their assets and property divided up.

Divorces become messy when parties cannot agree on the distribution of property, such things as the house, the house, stocks, and bonds and whether one party should pay the other alimony, now known as "maintenance" in most states. Assume that the husband has $1,000,000 in his own name prior to the marriage. A properly drafted prenuptial agreement can award that same $1,000,000 to him after a divorce, notwithstanding what he does with the money, such as purchasing a home in joint tenancy or shifting the money into other accounts. Without a prenuptial agreement, the wife might be entitled to one-half of the $1,000,000 or more, depending on the financial circumstances of the parties at the time of the divorce. The prenuptial agreement is a powerful and valuable tool that can favor the husband, protect the wife, or serve both of them fairly. It is a question of circumstances and intentions.

Candidates for prenuptial agreements used to be just older individuals with huge estates that they wanted to protect from gold diggers for their children from previous marriages. Since more millionaires are born every day, the candidate pool is growing by leaps and bounds. Now everybody has something to protect: an unpublished author, the budding inventor, anybody with a lucrative profession or a good idea. So, before you dismiss the idea of a prenuptial agreement, assess your situation in life and your long-term future in deciding whether a prenuptial agreement is right for you.

Consider at length the nature and extent of your present and possible future assets. A prenuptial agreement can be a very simple document running only a few pages that segregates each party's assets owned before the marriage, or it can be a very complicated document that runs dozens of pages because it deals with income and assets acquired during the marriage, the payment of debts, attorneys' fees, alimony/maintenance, and other financial matters. The next hurdle is raising the issue with your intended spouse, a very unromantic event. It helps to get it over with early. Perhaps you could blame it on someone else, such as your parents who may want to involve you in a family business, or possible business partners.

If you have no one to hold responsible, just be honest. Tell your future spouse that you intend to be open, fair, and honest, and the fact that you will be revealing all your assets is a sign of trust. Assure your intended that he or she will be protected during the negotiation procedure and in the prenuptial agreement, and stress that the document is something you feel is necessary and wise before you get married. The most important thing is to discuss it earlier instead of later, so that the degree of pressure before the wedding is mitigated.

Couples do not usually break engagements because of disputes over prenuptial agreements. In almost every instance, the agreement is signed and the parties are married. It is also completely appropriate to state that you will not get married without a prenuptial agreement; case law has indicated that this will not invalidate an agreement if made before the wedding.

The best way to avoid charges of duress or coercion is to tell your future spouse early on that you want the prenuptial agreement. Sometimes, such documents are signed shortly before the wedding, but have been the subject of negotiation for months. A well-drafted agreement will recite the fact that, even though it was signed shortly before or on the wedding date, negotiations began much earlier. It is for clauses like this that you consult experts.

Eventually, a prenuptial agreement will be fashioned so that you and your future spouse both accept it. The terms may not be what you initially envisioned and may not be what your intended would want. But that is the nature of compromise.

Note that Legal Helper Corp. provides an easy-to-use, quick, and economical online method for creating Prenuptial Agreement (Premarital). - http://www.legalhelpmate.com/prenuptial-agreement.aspx
About the Author
Jeffrey Broobin is a free-lance writer on family and finance issues; his main goal is to help people during their complicated period of life.

Website: Legal Helper Corp.
Email: jeffreyb@legalhelper.ws

2005-08-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

The Prenuptial Agreement Dilemma by Jeffrey Broobin

Should we have a prenuptial agreement?

OK. You can look at the idea as very cold and unromantic. You can look at the idea as a considerate and practical way to decide before the marriage certain issues having to do with your money.

It is interesting to note that the custom of creating prenuptial agreements is not the modern invention that it seems to be. During the 19th century, before the Married Women's Property Act of 1848, prenuptial agreements were necessary for women in the United States. Until the act became law, everything a woman owned or inherited was transferred to her husband. If he died or divorced her, she was just out of luck.

Nowadays it is not so uncommon to execute prenuptial agreements. And these are not just for the famous super-rich couples we read about, where one spouse is much richer than the other. These are couples who want to be upfront about financial issues and get that out of the way before the wedding.

A Prenuptial Agreement is a signed and notarized contract that describes how a couple will handle the financial aspects of their marriage. The prenuptial agreement has many positive benefits that are not related to divorce, and although it is not very romantic, it has many positive elements.

If a future spouse won't sign a prenuptial agreement, it may be best to discover this before the wedding.
The financial well-being of children from a previous marriage can be protected
Personal and business assets accumulated before the marriage are protected by a prenuptial agreement.
A prenuptial agreement reveals financial expectations before the wedding.
A prenuptial agreement discloses assets a spouse may want to give to children or other family members in the event of death.
In the event of a divorce, the prenup eliminates battles over assets and finances.
Signing a prenup does not mean that a couple is anticipating divorce.
Prenups address financial matters need to be faced.
A well-constructed prenuptial agreement can preserve family ties and inheritance.

Despite its many positive features, the prenuptial agreement cannot accomplish everything.

A prenuptial agreement may be considered unromantic.
A prenuptial agreement may give the appearance of a lack of trust between the partners.
It is true that a prenup could create resentment between certain spouses.
Certain requirements exist so that the prenuptial agreement cannot be declared invalid. These include failure to disclose all assets, evidence of fraud, forcing the agreement upon the other spouse, unfairness, and lack of representation at the time of signing the agreement.

If you are considering having a prenuptial agreement it is important to remember these things:

Dont wait until the last minute to talk about financial matters. Discuss the agreement early in the relationship.
Dont try to hide your thoughts, feelings, and especially your assets.

Note that Legal Helper Corp. provides an easy-to-use, quick, and economical online method for creating Prenuptial Agreement (Premarital). - http://www.legalhelpmate.com/prenuptial-agreement.aspx

About the Author
Jeffrey Broobin is a free-lance writer on family and finance issues; his main goal is to help people during their complicated period of life.

Website: Legal Helper Corp.
Email: jeffreyb@legalhelper.ws

2005-08-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

Get a Prenuptial Agreement before Your Next Marriage by Jeffrey Broobin

While signing a prenuptial agreement can be one of the all-time romantic turnoffs, for people heading into their second marriage, a prenuptial agreement can give the trade-off of a better relationship through the security of financial and life planning.

A prenuptial agreement is a legal contract between two people about to marry, specifying how assets will be distributed in the event of divorce or death. A prenuptial agreement is a good idea, even if you arent rich or own a home. It saves future arguments and can even save you money.

A prenuptial agreement requires that each partner prepare an inventory of assets owned before the marriage, and it allows you to establish your separate priorities about those assets.

Even if you do nothing more than that in your prenuptial agreement, this gives children from a previous marriage a chance to have half of that property and establish what belonged to Mom or Dad before the second marriage, and it establishes what you're taking with you should you leave the marriage."

Statistically, second or third marriages are more likely to result in divorce than first-time unions. Because of this, a prenuptial agreement is an especially wise idea.

A prenup is important if one of you is wealthier than the other.
If you have assets such as a house, stock or retirement funds, you should have a prenup.
A prenuptial agreement is essential if you own part or all of a business.
A prenup can discuss your wishes if you may be receiving an inheritance.
If you have relatives who need to be taken care of, such as disabled children or elderly parents, a prenuptial agreement is very important.
If you expect to receive a big increase in income because of a growing business, a prenuptial agreement can address this issue.
A prenuptial agreement is essential if you have children and/or grandchildren from a previous marriage.

We recommend that each partner draw up a list of assets. Furthermore, for professional couples, prenuptial agreements can be the ultimate protection against all-too-common lawsuits or medical malpractice suits. You can't predict all of your life events, and prenuptial agreements are a means of keeping your own assets safe in the event of any financial problems that your spouse may experience.

Note that Legal Helper Corp. provides an easy-to-use, quick, and economical online method for creating Prenuptial Agreement. - http://www.legalhelpmate.com/prenuptial-agreement.aspx
About the Author
Jeffrey Broobin is a free-lance writer on family and finance issues; his main goal is to help people during their complicated period of life.

Website: Legal Helper Corp.
Email: jeffreyb@legalhelper.ws

2005-08-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Divorce: Coping With The Family Law Process by Charles M. Goldstein

The Emotions

Divorce is a scary, lonely and misunderstood process for most people, particularly when there are children involved. The mutual friends enjoyed during the marriage may not be of help because those individuals may not want to "pick a side." A divorce will introduce you to an entirely new balancing act.

The Effect on Productivity at Work

You must be conscious of how the divorce process affects your ability to function on your job. There may be occasions when you will feel overwhelmed by a typical day's workload. On such occasions, you may wish to apportion work in terms of what you can handle.

You may at times find yourself uncharacteristically testy and acerbic to friends and colleagues, uncommunicative, depressed, and distracted. You should try to be alert to these personality and mood changes and work with a counselor to solve them. At times this may involve temporarily modifying project responsibilities or adjusting assignments until you achieve a level of equanimity. On still other days, you may not be able to cope with the workplace or home environment at all, no matter how light the workload. When this happens, it may be prudent to request a brief personal leave. If your behavior and interaction cannot be altered through temporary changes, you may need to seek professional counseling during this stressful period.

Keep in mind that while going through a divorce you will face numerous demands on your time: meetings with an attorney, accountant and counselor, possibly locating a new residence (and furnishing it) and establishing new lines of credit. Plan ahead where possible for these contingencies by asking your employer for projects that do not have a tight deadline. Flexible working arrangements, such as job-sharing, or the opportunity to compensate for lost time by working in the evening or on weekends, are other possibilities.

You should not let others treat you as an emotional cripple. You are probably already experiencing feelings of helplessness and an inability to control your life. By being overprotective and shielding you from the daily realities of the workplace or running interference with fellow employees or clients, the employer may only exacerbate those feelings. Work may be the only place you can achieve a sense of self-worth and personal strength during this difficult period.

The Process

Some people winding their way through the divorce process may experience fatalistic or, conversely, unreasonably hopeful feelings, and may rely on divorce process myths that further complicate the situation (for example, a belief that the system is entirely gender biased). Unfortunately, the legal process is not designed to address emotional issues for the participants. Although there are milestones, such as filing the initial documents, there are no true emotional releases. Even the finalizing of a divorce is a bittersweet experience and is likely to feel like a letdown. No one truly wins in a divorce because the estate is always divided and both individuals have fewer assets than prior to the divorce. Unfortunately, the legal process is often one of attrition. The time and expense of the legal process often dictates the results as one of the parties can no longer afford the resources or the time to continue to dispute issues.

The many difficult aspects of the legal process often cause frustration and result in increased anger and hurt. In combination with the plethora of negative emotions which led to the divorce in the first place, one facing a divorce may turn to revenge as a primary motivation and extend the divorce proceeding to hurt the other spouse. On the other hand, a spouse may prolong the divorce process in the hope that reconciliation might occur.

The Solutions

Mediation may be the best answer. If you and your spouse can still communicate and have some common ground, mediation may be the most economical, efficient, and effective way to resolve the issues in the divorce. The mediator must be well trained and be competent in the area of family law. You should consult with an attorney before and after the mediation to be properly advised on negotiation of the issues and on whether the final result is a comprehensive solution.

You may need guidance in selecting an attorney. Your union, company corporate attorney or human resource department may be a source of names. The attorney should be practicing primarily, if not exclusively, in the area of family law (the area has become too complicated to be effectively handled by the generalist). The attorney should have the most current research software and resources available within the office (Lexis and FinPlan Divorce Planner are good examples). Competence, comfort and convenience are three primary considerations in selecting the attorney. Evaluate whether the attorney has a plan which will properly allocate resources to achieve realistic and wise goals.

You should be cognizant of the importance of limiting conversation with the attorney to the nuts and bolts and not try to convince the lawyer that the soon to be ex-spouse is a less than admirable human being; that's for a counselor. It will also save time and resources for an already stretched budget. Also, one should not fear asking another attorney for a second opinion at any point in the process. It is no more improper than having a doctor provide a second opinion on a serious medical condition.

The divorce process is time consuming in even the simplest cases and will make demands upon your schedule. Because the courts and your attorney are probably working the same schedule as you are, it is probable that some absences and interruptions of work will be unavoidable. Court dates, especially, are not optional. Advise your employer immediately of any court dates, as those occasions may require an absence from work for at least one half day. When you provide documentation regarding income or other employment information, keep in mind that the courts have strict guidelines and time limits. Promptly providing the necessary information is essential.

Lastly, as an attorney, I remind my clients that the legal process of divorce is basically to divide assets, arrange custody, establish support, and address insurance and debts among other issues. It is not the last argument or the final revenge. While the attorney can assist a person going through the divorce process on the legal matters, emotional help is more appropriately available from close friends or professional counselors.

Please contact me if I can ever be of assistance in answering a question about legal representation in the divorce process.
About the Author
Charles Goldstein practices family law in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is committed to providing accessible, effective and reasonably priced family law litigation and mediation services. For a free telephone consultation, call 952.449.5299. http://www.fmlylaw.com

2005-08-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Divorce Articles: How To Get The Most From A Divorce Article by Karl Augustine

There are many types of divorce articles available on the Internet by a variety of authors. What's below will help you get the most out of the divorce articles here on this site and anywhere else. The below information about divorce articles holds true for most any type of articles on the Internet as well.

When people seek out divorce articles on the Internet, they usually want some sort of information that will help them solve a problem they may be encountering. Of course, the article seeker may just want to be informed about a certain subject for a variety of other reasons. In order for someone to get the most out of divorce articles, they should consider the following items:

1. Divorce article validity based on the source:

When reading a divorce article, consider what the writer has in the way or credibility via credentials or life experience. Writers don't necessarily have to have advanced degrees to write a credible divorce article, they just have to have a true life experience that helps or otherwise informs in some way for the good of the reader.
2. Divorce article goal:

If you're reading a divorce article and you find yourself wondering what they goal of it is, try to figure out what the writer's intention was when writing the article. Articles are written for a variety of reasons...to inform, to help someone improve their life, to sell a book, to sell a service or product, etc. Just because a divorce article is designed to sell a product or service as the end goal, it doesn't make that article less valid...if the intentions of the reader are also to help someone, and the reader gets something out of the article, chances are it is a worthwhile article.
3. Secondary message of the divorce article:

Take a look at what the divorce article is saying behind the scenes. Assess what you think the divorce article is trying to get across that isn't always apparent at the first reading. Sometimes authors deliberately write so the reader has to think a little more than in casual reading in order to fully get the message.

If the divorce article is designed to sell a product or service, decide whether or not the divorce article's theme goes hand in hand with the product or service...does it add value or complement the offering? If so, decide whether you'd like to try the product or service or at least review the product or service to see if it is for you. A reader can tell a lot about the product or service owner by the way the article is written. Is it off topic? Is it detailed? Will the concepts explained in the divorce article apply directly to you?

When reading divorce articles or any other articles on the Internet, always remember that the article is there for a reason. If the author seems to have good intentions (revealed in delivering useful information that you can benefit from) chances are the author may have other articles or information worth your time.
About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com
http://www.divorce-articles.com

2005-08-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting Situations by Ruben Francia

What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced parents should avoid? Learn them to spare your kids from the painful consequences.

1. Carrying Message Between Parents

A child doesn't like the feeling that he or she must act as a messenger between hostile parents or carry one adult's secrets or accusations about another. Children want parents to talk with each other so that the messages are communicated the right way and so that children don't feel like they are going to mess up.

Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly with each other, especially if the topic is likely to anger the other parent. It is unfair to make your child carry messages to your "ex" because you find it too awkward or aggravating to do so yourself. It is also poor parenting to show by example to your child that you can resolve a problem with another person by not communicating or to suggest to a child that the other parent is such a monster that you cannot speak or be civil with each other.

Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about matters relevant to the children, such as scheduling, visitation, health habits, or school problems.

2. Getting Involve With Money Issues

Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front of the children. How would you feel if you are that child hearing mom and dad arguing about your financial support? Most children upon hearing these things feel that their existence is some kind of parent's burden.

Who will pay for what and how available money should be spent are adult issues that the parents must discuss directly. Do not put your children in the middle of your child support disputes.

3. Hearing Criticisms Of The Other Parent

It hurts a child very much to hear one loved parent criticize the other loved parent. Children see themselves as half of each parent. When children hear bad things about one parent, they hear bad things about half of themselves. If they hear bad things about both their parents, they feel that both halves of them must be of little worth.

Even if you are sure you're right, try to avoid criticizing the other parent around the kids, and try to find good things to say, or don't say anything at all.

The following is a list of destructive remarks that you should not make to your child. If you find yourself saying words like these, stop and think about their impact on your child.

You're lazy/stubborn/bad tempered, just like your mother/father.
Your mother/father put you up to saying that.
Your dad/mom doesn't love any of us or he/she wouldn't have left us.
You can't trust her/him.
He/she was just no good.
If she/he loved you, she/he would send your support checks on time.
Someday you'll leave me too, just like your father/mother.

All of these remarks raise fear and anxiety in children.

4. Quizzing Children About The Other Parent

Do not make your children a spy in the other parent's home. It is very difficult for a child of divorced parents to cope with feeling "caught in the middle". If they want to tell you about time spent with their other parent (and they usually don't), listen closely and politely, and then stop. If they don't volunteer any information, try simply, "Have a good time? Good."

Encourage your children to love both parents. They must not be burdened with having to align with one parent's anger against the other.

5. Taking Sides

Your child wants to love both of his or her parents. Asking your child to take your side in any situation regarding your ex-spouse can create a tremendous amount of stress for your child.

Avoid putting children in the position of having to take sides. Allow your children to continue to love both parents without being made to feel guilty or disloyal.

6. Dealing With Parent's Feeling

Complaining to your child about how lonely you are after the separation makes a child feel guilty and sad and want to "parent" you. It's not healthy for them to be consumed with worry for their parents' ability to survive.

Let your child be a child. They need the freedom to be children. It's easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent child, or even your adult child, a confidant in dealing with your recovery, your dating life, or your fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns without ill effects, they rarely are.

7. Threatening To Cut Off Contact With The Children If The Other Parent Doesn't Do Or Stop Doing Something

The kids hear these threats and fear more loss in their lives. Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be continued.

Recognize that for your child to have the best chance of growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This means that there should be some pathway of getting through to the child whatever good that parent has to offer.

Anything that puts a child in the middle of dispute is unhealthy, and causes the most problems for divorcing families. If parents don't work issues through, those issues have a huge effect on their kids.

It can be hard to do, but parents can improve a situation by recognizing their divorce is from each other, not the children. Kids need to see that even though their parents might not love each other, they are committed to staying connected because of their responsibilities as parents. At time, this may seem absolutely impossible, because the parents can't tolerate the idea of being connected. Yet the child needs both of them, psychologically if not in reality.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author bylines are included.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-08-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

THE SEVEN Cs: PARTNERSHIP DANGER SIGNS - Conflict Becoming the Norm Part 1 by Dorene Lehavi

A series of articles exploring the seven critical areas that can indicate a partnership is in trouble.

Conflict Becoming the NormPart 1

Dr. Dean Ornish, noted cardiologist, says the greatest cause of disease is the stress that comes from conflict. Conflict is bad for your health, your personal life and definitely bad for your business.

When disagreements have reached the stage of conflict, emotions have overcome the issue. At this point no one is thinking clearly or speaking truthfully about the original problem. It becomes all about winning. How useful is that?

You can win the battle and lose a whole lot more. Conflict becomes a nail in the coffin of your marriage, or in your business partnership. Though you may win in court, you often lose in life. This is a major component of the scenario that accounts for the high rate of divorce in marriage and even higher rate of dissolution of business partnerships.

Even if conflict doesn't reach this dramatic result, living with conflict is an unhappy, unhealthy situation. Not only does it cause you misery, but it is contagious. Employees, clients and family members feel the tension. They may be taking sides even without realizing the unspoken details of the issue. You and your partner avoid meeting, may deteriorate into a yelling match when you do meet, or live in silence avoiding addressing other important issues as well. This is not the scenario that inspires you to get out of bed in the morning.

The best solution is prevention. Resolve things at the disagreement level before they become conflicts. If the two of you can't get to resolution where you both feel like winners, call in a coach. Actually, my clients find that a monthly meeting is a great preventative and also teaches them the tools needed to handle most situations on their own.

Now is the time to remember that there were good reasons you chose your partner. If you were honest and sincere in your initial evaluation and desire to succeed, it's helpful to keep that in mind and if things have gotten out of hand, hire an outside expert who can help you get back to that place of harmony and mutual respect.

The first step in resolving conflict is to agree to do so and to agree on the ultimate goal which is greater than each of you as individuals. When you are seriously committed to the same outcome things can usually work out. When you've reached this point, a third party, non-biased expert listener and coach is not just desirable, but essential to direct the discussion and keep emotions at bay.
About the Author
Dorene Lehavi, Ph.D. is principal of Next Level Business and Professional Coaching. Dr. Lehavi offers a complimentary coaching session so you can experience how coaching can work for you. Contact Dr. Lehavi at Dorene@CoachingforYourNextLevel.com or on the web at Http://www.CoachingforYourNextLevel.com Subscribe to Mastering Your Next Level monthly e-newsletter at http://www.coachingforyournextlevel.com/newsletter.html

2005-08-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

How To Identify What The Question "Should I get a divorce?" Means To You. by Karl Augustine

Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not is an agonizing experience to go through. If you are asking yourself "should I get a divorce?", you've been thinking about your relationship's state for a while or an isolated incident (an example is an extramarital affair) that occurred was so terrible, that you want to just chuck it all and start over with a new life!

If you have been asking yourself "should I get a divorce?" for any length of time, you should figure out what is making you feel that way if you haven't already. Take the time to reflect back on why you're leaning towards divorce rather than working out your marriage problem. Once you identify the things that are making you feel like divorce is the right option, make a list of those things.

Once you make that list, go back through each item on the list that led you to asking yourself the question "should I get a divorce?". Look at each item on the list in depth and make certain you really deem those items as valid reasons for wanting a divorce, either in and of themselves or as a part of a common theme of reasons that make up a whole set.

Once you trim the list down to include only truly 'valid reasons', rank each reason in order of importance. Identify 2 reasons that hold the most weight to you and that contributed most to you asking yourself "should I get a divorce?".

After you accomplish this, decide if these reasons seem like things that can be changed for the better or if they are just flat out unrecoverable. Soul search and decide whether or not you are willing to do what it takes to try and fix the problem that is associated with these reasons.

Example: If one of your reasons for thinking about divorce is because your spouse is insanely jealous of you having friendly and/or purely plutonic relationships with members of the opposite sex, decide whether or not you are willing to socialize less with members of the opposite sex (or in a different manner) or do what it takes to ensure that your spouse understands and believes that you truly love him/her. If you aren't willing to do either of those things (or anything else it may take to change the situation), you have some serious long-term thinking to do about whether you really want to stay married.

If you have been asking yourself "should I get a divorce?" due to one isolated incident, you should re-live that isolated incident in your mind and identify why the isolated incident led you to the way that you feel now.

List the top 5 reasons that this incident hurt you to the extent it did (thinking about divorce). Then, think about what you feel the top 5 reasons are that led to the actual incident itself.

This is especially crucial because, even though it may be one isolated incident that caused you to think about divorce as an option, the reasons that led to that isolated incident may have been present for quite a while and need to be dealt with. The point is, just because one isolated incident 'happened', doesn't mean the execution of that incident is the true cause of the problem. Chances are there's much more to it, and finding out what those things are will help you identify the true story.

If you have been asking yourself "do I want a divorce?" and haven't prioritized why you feel that way, you aren't ready for divorce. What you are ready for however, is to go through soul searching to get to the root of the problem.

About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!br>
Deciding on Divorce

Should I Get A Divorce

2005-08-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

Children and Divorce by Karen Zastudil

You and your spouse have decided to end your marriage. Although this has been a difficult decision for you and your spouse, it can be a very complicated one for your children. Divorce in many ways is like facing a death in the family, and a grieving process takes place for everyone involved.
Often times after a divorce, you need to rediscover who you are, overcome your own fears and determine how to begin making a new life for you and your children. Once the grieving process has taken place, don't assume things will suddenly go smoothly -- especially when you start dating again. It may be hard for your children to adjust to the "new you" and patience is key. The process of adapting may take longer than what you would like and your children's emotions may be like a roller coaster ride. You have spent years parenting your children and devoting your life to them. Now that you are focusing more time on yourself, your children may become disheartened and insecure. It's extremely important that at this time you strive to attain a balance in your life and enter this new phase of your life gradually. Your children will need you more than ever for support, comfort and reassurance. Many times children become unsure of themselves and aren't sure where they fit into your life, but rest assured that eventually they will come around.
As you begin uncovering the new you, it's not wrong to make time for yourself, but when it seems appropriate, include your children. You are a mom first, and you would not want to sacrifice the needs of your children. Maintain moments of "single" freeness to time with your friends and not in front of your children. As you begin dating again, feeling silly, giddy and young, do it in a way that doesn't affect them. Introducing a lot of casual dates into your children's lives can cause anxiety and confusion. Reassure them that your date is not a replacement for "dad" or them. You would not want your children to feel they are being abandoned.
Your children still need to know that you are the parent and that they can depend on you to provide the love and emotional stability they need.

About the Author
Karen Zastudil is a retired financial analyst with a BA in Economics and Marketing - as the parent, Karen is an advocate for others who are interested in parenting and womens issues. Karen shares her wisdom and her resources at http://www.womenatthesummit.com

2005-08-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

"Surviving Divorce: What To Think About To Ensure Surviving Divorce" by Karl Augustine

Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating getting a divorce. In order to ensure surviving divorce, you should first understand that your divorce decision shouldn't be taken lightly. Ensuring that you'll be surviving divorce can be comforting and can influence your path as you consider your reasons for divorce and take the emotional plunge into actually going through with it.

Its tough enough to think about how your immediate life will be impacted by getting a divorce let alone thinking about divorce from an aspect of "the aftermath" of divorce. You may be considering a variety of things in the short term including living arrangements, spouse's schedules, attorneys, kids, property, etc. Its tough to plan so you can really ensure that you'll be surviving divorce once its finally over with.

Surviving divorce, just like deciding to divorce, is about separating emotion from logic and making sure you think about the past, present and future. Of course, how you plan for surviving divorce, will differ from others in some respects, but there are some common themes to think about that should ensure you will be successful surviving divorce.

The most common things to think about when you want to be successful surviving divorce are self-evident and basic, but highly important:

Surviving Divorce Concept 1: Reflect on the past to make sure you can eliminate potential regret.

Make sure that you take the time to reflect on the past and remember the reasons that got you to this state of mind. One thing you absolutely must avoid is going through a divorce and regretting your decision. Evaluate, in detail, your reasons for divorce and confirm to yourself yet again that divorce is the best course of action. This will help eliminate regret...and regret can be a large factor in determining your chance of surviving divorce.

Surviving Divorce Concept 2: Admit to yourself that, no matter how your situation got to this breaking point of wanting divorce, that you had a hand in it, and plan to improve yourself.

Even if you know your present spouse is not a good fit for you, be smart enough to know that you shouldn't waste the opportunity that you have right now to improve yourself, for your own good in the future. At a time like this when emotions are running high, there tends to be a lot of soul searching going on, and that's a good thing if you want to ensure that you've got a solid chance of surviving divorce. Realize that you need to improve for you, this will only help you in the future. Remember, it takes two to tango!

Surviving Divorce Concept 3: Remember that your happiness and plan for surviving divorce should include evaluating and establishing a certain level of self-confidence.

Having self confidence is absolutely critical to surviving divorce because without it, fear usually will win out and your situation will not improve. Even if you get divorced but you don't evaluate your own level of self confidence in the hopes of improving it, you may be in for a rough time after divorce. If you want a sure-fire way to feel good about surviving divorce, do yourself a favor and get your self-confidence in line.

If your overall confidence and desire to start over with your love life support making a change, you're off to a good start in making a smart decision about whether to divorce or not.

Surviving Divorce Concept 4: Get your finances in a row and understand that your life will change most likely from a monetary perspective.

This is a major portion of the surviving divorce equation, especially for women in divorce. A lot of time, women in divorce situations have to deal with finance issues and they fear going out on their own because they've had financial support previously. Still, this concept is not gender specific and can resonate with anyone because, one some level, your life will change financially as a result of divorce...that's a guarantee.

In order to make sure your chance at surviving divorce is high, you need to be willing to trade potential financial loss to get a divorce. If you're ready to do this, maybe you're ready to really take the big step.

Surviving Divorce Concept 5: Understand the true value of using "projection" to ensure surviving divorce.
This is a terrific exercise to go through when you're faced with a divorce decision and want to ensure you've got a great chance of surviving divorce. "Projection" simply means looking to the future and actually imagining what your life will be like once you're divorced. And, if you're smart, you'll see multiple scenarios of what your life will become after divorce and you'll be able to pin down which factors lead to each one of those scenarios. Then, choose the scenario you'd like to actually live, and take the necessary steps needed to implement those factors. This one of the most important practices to ensure that you're chances of surviving divorce are high.

Surviving divorce is a difficult thing but it can easily be accomplished if you plan, reflect, think, and execute based on your own goals and needs.

About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!

Deciding on Divorce

Surviving Divorce

2005-08-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

What Parents Should Do For Children To Do Their Best After Divorce? by Ruben Francia

Why do some children still do best after divorce and separation? Is there divorce parenting approaches that really work? Read and learn the divorce parenting approaches that really work.

Going through the process of divorce is a challenging life transition for both parents and children. During their parents' divorce, children often feel a wide variety of conflicting emotions. It is very important for parents to provide their children with understanding and support. Overall, the children who do best after divorce and separation are those whose parents dominantly employ 5 divorce parenting approaches. They:

1. Listen to children and nurture an independent and empathic relationship with each of them.
2. Fully support the children's relationships with the other parent making them feel loved and wanted in both homes.
3. Develop positive strategies for setting limits and imposing appropriate discipline.
4. Continue to hold reasonably high expectations for the children, regardless of trying circumstances.
5. Shield the children from their parental disagreements and resentments.

Each of the above is presented here below in great detail.

1. Listen to children and nurture an independent and empathic relationship with each of them.

To better help our children we must first understand them. To be able to understand them completely, we need to listen and create an environment favorable for them to speak out. To make things happen, you need to:

Encourage your children to talk about how they feel. Let your children know that they can openly talk to you about their feelings of your separation or divorce.
Keep lines of communication open and answer all questions about the changes. Make sure your children feels like they can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.
Convey that you are genuinely interested in their input. This will make your children feel they are participating in contributing to the process of recovering from the divorce.

2. Fully support the children's relationships with the other parent making them feel loved and wanted in both homes.

Research tells us that children benefit from keeping the familial ties in their life that were meaningful and important to them prior to the divorce. Of these familial ties, the most important are the child-parent ties. Remember that divorce does not end children's need for parents or it ends your role as parent. You should:

Recognize that for your child to have the best chance of growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This means that there should be some pathway of getting through to the child whatever good that parent has to offer.
Respect your child's needs to have both parents there for them, without having them worry that they are going to die of embarrassment if you both start to fight in public. Encourage the other parent to stay involved in the children's school and extra-curricular activities.
Allow the children to enjoy the time that they spend with each parent. Encourage your children to spend good times with the other parent. Don't be jealous or upset, as children do not want to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
Help your children and ex-spouse have a successful relationship as just as you would help your children to succeed in school or sports. Remember that your ex-spouse is an important part of your child's life. Just like you, your children have a shared history with this person as well as the present and future.

3. Develop positive strategies for setting limits and imposing appropriate discipline.

Often after a divorce parents will either become stricter or more lenient. Some parents feel like the other parent is letting the child get away with everything; therefore, they attempt to enforce discipline across both homes. Other parents do not want to spend the limited time they have with their child punishing them and tend to be too lenient. It can be difficult for children when their parents have drastically different rules and expectations. To give the child a sense of stability and security, you should do the following:

Maintain consistent routines. Children feel more secure when there is a standard routine. At times, some parenting issues require communication and coordination between parents, if the child spends time with both parents. Both parents don't have to do things exactly the same way, but it is easier for children if most things are similar at each home.
Set limits and rules clearly, and enforces them. But within these limits do allow leeway for your children to be children.

4. Continue to hold reasonably high expectations for the children, regardless of trying circumstances.

Help your children have positive feelings about themselves. Children who feel good about them usually succeed. They seem to get better grades in school, they are better at taking on hard jobs, and they try their best. Also, they tend to make better friends because they seem surer of themselves. As parents, you can play an important role in helping children have positive feelings about themselves. Here are some ways you can help your children to feel good about them.

Help them learn to set realistic and reachable goals so they can regularly achieve success. Praise them for success.
Give your children responsibility so that they feel useful, and valued. Asking nothing of them implies that you think they are not capable of doing a job well, which is demeaning.
Encourage them to make decisions, and teach that they must accept responsibility for those decisions.

5. Shield the children from their parental disagreements and resentments.

Stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Rumbles of discontent between parents leave children feeling insecure. It is therefore so important for you and your partner to try to agree on matters related to children and their needs. You can employ strategies such as:

Be able to step back and keep your feelings about your ex-spouse separate from those you have about your children's parent. Many people make lousy husbands or wives, but they are terrific parents.
If you cannot be civil with your ex-spouse, then work out a plan and set up rules so that your child does not have to witness your wrath. Let your children feel with ease rather than going through a gauntlet of your venom for each other.
Get to work on resolving your feelings about your ex-spouse. That means if you can't get over this yourself, get some help. Other people are suffering besides you, and those other people are your children!

Certainly, some children still do best after divorce and separation. All their parents did were employing tested divorce parenting approaches that really work. You can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. Follow the above approaches for your children sake.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-08-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

Children's Discipline: How To Resolve Divorce Parenting Differences? by Ruben Francia

Did you know that inconsistency on matters of discipline gives double messages, produces anxiety and can be very confusing to your children? Children need to know where they stand in their behaviors. It is therefore critical for parents to resolve their differences in matters of children's discipline.

Since divorce parents leave on a separate house, they often differ in their rules and expectations for their children. People tend to view individual differences in terms of right and wrong. The adage holds: "If you are not with me, you are against me." In marriage, people call it incompatibility. In divorce, these differences sometimes resulted to expensive litigation, each trying to force the other to change and stop being different.

The matter of disciplining children can be the source of conflict among divorce parents. Each parent has different ideas as to what the appropriate discipline should be. Each viewed the other's proposal of disciplining as wrong. The consequences of their dispute were that there was ineffective or no discipline at all.

To turn differences into a unified discipline, parents should resolve the differences according to children's best interest. They can adopt the approach as listed below:

1. Make an agreement with your former spouse on what is realistically expected for your children. These should be based on the children's age, their temperament, their ability to follow directions, and the divorce structure of the family.

2. Come to some meeting of the minds on what values are highest priorities for each and on which behaviors you both agree are important to nurture in your children.

3. Discuss with your former spouse your preferences for discipline to see if there is an opportunity for consistency across households.

4. In areas where there is an opportunity for consistency across households, make an agreement with your former spouse that whatever approaches are agreed upon, both of you will be consistently using the same when the children are with you.

5. Write the agreements down, review them and be sure they are workable.

6. In areas in which you differ, find a compromise that you both can live with and stick by it.

7. Set clear expectations for the children at each home. Explain to the children that there are certain rules at mom's house and certain rules at dad's house.

8. Never argue in the front of the children about disagreements in discipline approaches.

Help your children know where they stand in their behaviors. Get resolve your differences in matters of children's discipline. Support each other.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-08-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

Words of Wisdom for Single Parents by Sarah Mitchell

The cost of being a parent and raising a child in todays world is constantly increasing. The risk of your child becoming involved in problem behaviour is also greater. Parents must work together as a team to ensure the brightest future for their children. But what if there is no team. No other person to rely upon. This is what millions of single parents deal with everyday. But it is not only the parent who sees this as a gloomy situation. Children are quite often left thinking that they are the reason for a separation or divorce. It is the child who must attend father and son day at school without a dad. They have to grow up with all the stigma attached to coming from a "broken home". These are just a few of the many potential problems that a single parents household are faced with. This article is aimed at providing single parents with some strategies for raising a good child despite what other people may say.

Concentrate on the positives

Although it may be impossible to see at first, there are some positives for single parents. The main one being less fighting, bickering and tension around the house. This will benefit your child in the long run as it becomes a more child friendly environment. Try to see your situation as a new found freedom and feeling of independence.

Develop a new relationship with your child

A child must obviously be comforted at such a time, but also made to see that you are the boss. Do not let your child think that because there is now only one parent around, they can do whatever they please. Children need rules and routine, regardless of how many parents are around.

Ask for help if you need it

Suddenly single parents will probably find that their workload doubles or triples at first. If your children are old enough, be sure to set them some chores around the house each day to take the pressure off yourself a little. Speak to other parents as much as you can. You will be surprised how often they will be happy to help out. It may just be taking your child to the movies or to a sports game on a Saturday morning, but every little bit helps. Above all, don't feel as though you have to do absolutely everything on your own.

Do not use your children for emotional support

Children need to have fun, play with their friends and enjoy their youth. Do not become overly possessive of your child or look to them for emotional support. This quite often leads to the child feeling as overwhelmed as you are. Although you may not be ready for another romantic relationship, try to talk to other adults about your emotions.

Kids react best to routine

In order to create a stable household envirnonment with children, their must be rules and routine. Simple things like having dinner at the same time each night, bed time, homework time etc... If you can provide a schedule for them, they will feel a sense of security. Of course, the correct dosage of attention and affection will also provide and sustain a nuturing environment, but a combination of the two will always work best.

Don't forget about you

For single parents with a house full of kids and only one parent to do all the work and all the worrying, it may be easy to forget about ones self. It is crutial to the well-being of your children, that you stay healthy. If you feel run down, ask another parent or relative to mind the kids for a night or two. Try to remember the things you enjoy doing and dedicate a little bit of your time to do these things. The way a parent feels is quite often reflected in a child. If you are stressed out all the time, then this may directly or indirectly affect your child. So, try to stay calm around the kids when you can. Take a deep breath, or wait until the kids are out of the car before you start screaming!

Try to remember that it is all about quality not quantity. There are many two parnet households out their that are doing a much worse job than yourself. Just beacause a parent finds themsleves on their own, doesn't mean that things won't work out. Remember, not just anyone can run a house, raise kids and do a thousand other things all at once. Give yourself a pat on the back once in a while. You have a lot to be proud of. Best of luck to you!
About the Author
Article written by Sarah Mitchell of NamesToBe.com. Article free for reprint as long as this info box is present and all hyperlinks remain active.
Baby names and meanings at http://www.namestobe.com
Single parenting at http://www.namestobe.com/singleparenting.html

2005-07-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

How to Stop Divorce Parental Conflict from Bursting? by Ruben Francia

It is not the divorce but the conflict arising after divorce the culprit of most psychological-adjustment problems the children are having. So, how to stop the post-divorce parental conflict from bursting must be given a premium importance by parents who want to have a healthy, happy and successful divorced children.

First let us identify the source of most post-divorce parental conflict. It is only when we are able to identify exactly the source of most post-divorce parental conflict that we are able to stop.

It is said that building or maintaining regular communication with your 'ex' is one of the most important keys to successful divorce parenting. If there exist an ineffective communicating relationship between spouses, one may be left the other uninformed of the important matters relative to their children and thus often become the major source of new parental conflict.

Effective parenting after divorce requires effective communication. Even if spouses don't like each other, or disagree on many issues, they still have to work together as a team as far as their children are concerned. Both should know what's going on.

With stronger co-parenting communication, there will be less chance of misunderstandings and conflicts between the ex-spouses -- and a better chance of a healthy upbringing for the children.

Here are the five goals you can set to improve co-parenting communication:

1. Have a clear, consistent schedules and rules.

2. Keep each other abreast of any parenting-related developments or important issues.

3. Set an appointment to speak with your ex about any problems, then be polite but firm while trying to solve them.

4. Develop a trust level between each other.

5. Be civil and reasonable at all times.

To keep communication healthy, use these guidelines when you communicate in person with your 'ex'.

1. Be consistent. Make sure your facial expressions and body language are consistent with your words.

2. Relax. If your emotions become too overwhelming, learn to relax and breathe slowly or ask that the conversation be continued later. Leave if you have to.

3. Bring a friend. If in the past talking to your 'ex' has resulted in violence or verbal attack, take another person with you.

4. Back off. If your 'ex' is emotionally closed, back off. Keep on talking and explaining will get angry while your 'ex' gets irritated. Just wait for a better time or write a letter. Letters are a perfect option for communicating clearly and without emotions. They also allow the other person time to digest what you say.

5. Bounce it back. If your 'ex' attacks you verbally, reply, "I refuse to receive that. I need to be respected in this conversation and, if you're not able to do that right now, we should continue this later." Don't act snotty, superior, or self-righteous. Be kind. If your 'ex' continues to bait you into an argument, leave calmly and quietly.

Remember your children's welfare must always be your first priority. Think about the long-term effects on your children of everything you and your ex say and do. Follow the above goals and guidelines. Strive to improve your co-parenting communication then you can create the best possible co-parenting relation. Do all these for your children sake.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-07-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

How to Select a Divorce Lawyer by Scott Morgan

Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your family law case is a very important decision. The following are a few important criteria to help in finding the right divorce lawyer.

Experience and Focus

Any divorce lawyer you consider should have substantial experience in handling divorce cases in your location. An experienced divorce lawyer will know the tendencies of the various judges in your jurisdiction and should be able to use this knowledge to your advantage. Additionally, that lawyer should practice primarily in the field of divorce law. Often people will hire a lawyer who practices primarily in some other area, thinking that any lawyer will do. However, divorce law is a very specialized field that requires particular skills and experience in order to have a likelihood of reaching a successful conclusion.

Past Client Testimonials

Perhaps the best way to decide which divorce lawyer to use for your divorce case is to find out what former clients have to say about that lawyer. While divorce is never an enjoyable process, some divorce lawyers have more success at satisfying their clients than others. If you do not know someone who has been a client of that particular divorce lawyer, you should consider asking the lawyer for a list of clients that you can contact who can describe their experience with the lawyer. While client confidentiality is important, any good experienced divorce lawyer should have at least a few former clients who are willing to vouch for him or her.

Accessible

When a client becomes dissatisfied with a divorce lawyer, one of the most common complaints is that they were unable to communicate with the lawyer. It is very important that your divorce lawyer be accessible and prompt in responding to your phone calls, emails, and requests for meetings. While you can ask the divorce lawyer about their office policy, this is another area where you can best evaluate the divorce lawyer by hearing what former clients have to say.

If a former client of the lawyer tells you that they found it very difficult to contact the attorney, or that the lawyer either did not return calls or respond to emails or would take several days to do so, you should definitely avoid that lawyer. Divorce is an unpleasant and frustrating process under the best of circumstances. If you are unable to reach your divorce attorney, or at least someone on his or her staff, the frustration level can increase exponentially.

Fees

When you make your initial appointment with the divorce attorney, you should inquire about a consultation fee. Some lawyers do brief initial consultations for free, although most experienced divorce lawyers will charge between $100.00 and $200.00 as a consultation fee, or will charge their normal hourly rate.

For example, I charge a flat $100.00 consultation fee with no additional hourly charges, regardless of the length of the meeting. Essentially, the consultation fee is to "weed out" those people who are not serious about the possibility of hiring me. Given that my normal hourly rate is $200.00/hour and the usual typical consultation takes about 90 minutes, the charge for my consultation is significantly discounted. Therefore, you shouldn't let a consultation fee scare you away from interviewing a particular lawyer.

During the consultation it is vitally important that you have a candid discussion with the prospective divorce lawyer about fees and what you can expect. Typically, an experienced divorce lawyer will require the payment of a substantial retainer up front, against which that lawyer's hourly rate and expenses will be charged. You should find out what that lawyer's hourly rate is, what the up front retainer will be, whether any portion of the retainer is refundable if it is not exhausted, and how often you can expect to receive invoices that detail their hourly charges and expenses. You also will want to know how detailed the invoices are. Once again, this is another area where you can get excellent information from those people who have been clients of that divorce lawyer.

Comfortable

While all the above issues are important, there is one final question you should ask yourself before hiring a divorce lawyer. Are you comfortable with that lawyer and are you confident in his or her abilities? If the answer is anything other than a resounding "yes," you should keep looking. Your case is too important to entrust to someone who does not inspire your confidence.
About the Author
Scott Morgan is a Houston attorney who practices exclusively in the field of divorce and family law. He has practiced family law in Texas since 1994. For more information see his website: www.houstondivorce.com.

2005-07-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

Inspiration from the Creator of Happy Living... by Neil Millar

You, like many others, may have come to this article because you want more from life. In this sense, you and I may be alike because were searching for greater happiness and a stronger sense of fulfillment.

If you are someone in your thirties or older, and perhaps western, then you, like me, may have read enough adventure stories or seen enough Walt Disney to have been heartened by the stories of ugly guys, like the beast in Beauty and the Beast, winning the beauty, Belle. I dont know about you, but that story gave me hope!

And maybe you relate to the heroics of Robin Hood who stood no nonsense, not even from the baddies in charge while King Richard crusaded. And Robin, in between robbing the rich and dishing it out to the poor, still had time to get his work-life balance right. In between robbing the rich and dishing it out to the poor he still had the time to party with his mates and date the fairest maiden in the land. The old rogue!

Maybe you loved the never-grow-old attitude of Pan, willed Hercules to conquer all and craved the day that you could leave school and set off through the forest of life, whistling and singing as merrily as one of the Seven Dwarfs, as you headed your way to a job that made your heart sing with joy!

And maybe, like me, now youve grown up, you realise that the world is not quite the way you imagined it in your youth: Cinderella has not pulled up outside your home in her pumpkin carriage, nor is Snow White cooking dinner for you when you get home from the office after a day working for a guy who would find himself in steaming hot water if he had a nose like Pinocchio.

Well I dont know about you, but I felt a little disgruntled and let down with the way life turned out after such a romantic, adventurous childhood heavily laden with dreams.

Disgruntled by the time I hit my mid-twenties? More like disconnected: divorce, obesity, financial troubles and abuse had all gone on in my life by then and I suppose in a way I did feel like a couple of the dwarfsgrumpy and sleepy! Maybe your experience is similar, maybe a little different, slightly better or worse, but Im sure we can empathise with each other and maybe even share a little feeling of disillusionment with life in general.

But this word disillusionment it makes me wonder It makes me wonder how I came to be disillusioned. Because to come to a place of disillusionment must mean I had an illusion in the first place. And I guess that this illusion might have been shaped by the wonders of Disney and the hopes of romance and magic in a future and the values set by the society of the time: work hard for a living and marry for lifein other words grow up, be a hero and marry a princess.

But what are your illusions, my new friend? What did you hope to have found in life before you stumbled on my article? Who did you hope to be? Who did you hope to love? And where did it all go wrong?

But I have some other questions for you before you go: what if all that experience has come to you for your greater good? What if you could understand it? What if you could use it? What if you could rise above it? What if you could now become that hero you always dreamed you would be and reconnect with that world of romance, adventure and wonder?

What if everything in your life had a purpose? What if you have a life purpose? What if that life purpose were to set out with an illusion, find the opposite of that illusiondisillusionmentand then rediscover the original illusion so you could ultimately experience the true magic and wonder of life and live happily ever after?

Perhaps all the difficulty is worthwhile. Perhaps all our troubles have true meaning, my friend and perhaps we are now ready to experience the magic this world has to offer. I guess we must also remember that even Walt Disney himself had his challenges: I understand he slept rough in his office because he couldnt afford accommodation and even had no shoes left to wear when he finally got invited to a meeting that changed his life, and all of ours.

What will you do improve in your life?
Novelist and personal development writer, Neil Millar invites you to join his free newsletter at Unstoppable Life and get his free e-book Greater Steps to Happiness as a thank you for joining his readership. www.unstoppablelife.com

About the Author
Neil Millar is the novelist behind the potent adventure Black Water, personal development writer and author of Simple Steps to Greater Happiness and Be the Hero in your Own Life. Neils words inspire people to find greater reward in their work and more fun in their personal relationships and life. Subscribe to the Ezine he writes for Unstoppable Life FREE!

2005-07-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

Midlife Dating: Filling Your Social Calendar by Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life Coach

If you find yourself suddenly solo at midlife wondering how to keep a balanced social life and meet other singles, you arent alone.

Sometimes friends and country clubs are divided up in the divorce along with the possessions, or you may find your invitations from married couples dwindling or difficult. Formerly an enthusiastic host or hostess, you may find it too challenging to entertain alone in your own home, while feeling like odd man out with the former married crowd you moved in. You may also have lost your best tennis or racquetball partner in your former spouse.

Others take a hiatus after a breakup or loss of a spouse, and then, when they feel like getting active again, wonder how to go about it. It isnt just about finding a new partner, its doing things you like to do with others.

Here are some suggestions.

SINGLE ACTIVITIES GROUPS

You can find these groups through yellow pages, search engines or local churches. If you dont find one in your town, start one. They fill a need.

These groups may or may not be age-limited. Structured in various ways, they usually have an Activities Chairperson who schedules events. The person who wants to sponsor an event or activity gets it on the calendar, coordinates logistics (collects money, books tickets), takes reservations, answers questions and serves as welcoming host at the event or activity itself.

MIXED GROUPS

Regular activity groups such as an Adventure Group are a great idea too. Activities are physically oriented, including dancing, kayacking, hiking, and camping trips. There could be one around culture too, or travel. They include both single and married folks, just like church, the Rotary and the workplace.

Its a great way to meet new people, whether youre a couple new to town who knows no one outside of work, or a single person hoping to find a partner.

Socializing around shared interests with an unplanned group of others is one of the best ways to meet new members of the opposite sex. They have a good energy, and youre already on the way toward compatibility.

Volunteering would also fit this category. Check out your local museums, non-profits, libraries, hospitals, zoo and alma mater to see what groups you can belong to and enjoy.

And dont forget civic organizations.

Remember, you can make it happen. If you went to a big school and still live in that town, why not start a Single Alumni Club? Youd connect with people you have a lot in common withhistory.

SINGLES FRIENDS GROUP

A Singles Friends Group may or may not be age-defined, and can include a wide variety of social events and activities out on the town, up in the hills, or in the homes of members. Some may date, but its mostly about new friends and shared interests.

Included might be: wine and beer tasting, happy hour, a crafts party for members and their grandkids, Super Bowl party in someones home, Sunday night dinner and movie, a cruise, volunteer work, going to a rodeo, ballet or symphony, attending a cooking class, Game Night at someones home (bring your favorite board game), a Dance Gala inviting all-city singles, bowling, and just about anything else people enjoy doing together.

Churches sometimes sponsor these groups, giving them a place to meet on Sunday morning, or they can be held in public facilities such as a hotel, restaurant, or library.

CHURCH SINGLES GROUPS & SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASSES

Many churches and religious institutions actively minister to singles and offer Sunday School classes, Bible study, small groups, social events, and volunteer opportunities. Ask other singles where the good ones are, and call around to some churches to see what they offer singles.

SPEED DATING OR PRE-DATING

Speed dating or pre-dating is another option. Either in-person at a public location, or by phone and Internet, you meet people in your age and interest category in short (6 minutes?) pre-dates. (See www.pre-dating.com .)

We facilitate the whole thing, say these folks, who schedule events in various cities throughout the US, so theres no awkwardness, no pressure, no embarrassment and no gamesjust great fun! Couples who indicate a mutual interest are given each others contact information after the event.

Here are some of the categories: Singles (ages 40-49); Jewish Singles, Single Parents, Interracial (White Men/Black Women), Latin/Speakers of Spanish Singles; Younger Women (25-39) / Older Men (40-55), Younger Men (25-37) / Older Women (38-49), Athletic Singles, East / West Indian Singles, Marriage Minded Singles, Smokers / Smoker Tolerant Singles, Tall Women (5/10+) / Tall Men, and Singles without Children.

Sample venue? Complimentary quesadilla bar and happy hour drink specials from 4:307:30 p.m., held on a Wednesday night, cost is around $35. They say youll connect with about 10-12 people.

What if you fit one category but want to date within another? Say youre a 60 year old man who likes to date 25 year olds, or a tall women who prefers short men? Pre-dating.com says they favor diversity and will try to accommodate, but only allow about 1 in 10 to be out-of-category.

Initially I thought this mode best for extraverts who love the frenzy and sheer numbers, but introverts could also do well because theyre perceptive and get a chance to visit one-on-one, which is their forte.

DANCING

Dancing is great fun and exercise, and a great way to meet new people of all ages. Check out local dance venues to see if theyre offering dance classes. You can brush up on your skills at a local dancing school, and also meet other singles there.

Or take group lessons at local dance halls which offer them free (or for little) early in the evening to help fill up the place on off nights. Even the fabled Bill Bobs offers dance lessons on Thursday nights, in their case bringing in national talent to teach it, but if your towns like mine, youll be amazed at the local talent.

To locate a dancing teacher near you, go here: http://www.dancespots.net/Find/FindATeacher.asp?SE=Y .

CONCLUSION

These are just a few of the ways you can put yourself around other single people in a more structured way and get a jump on a social life. Active participation allows you to meet other singles, possibly for dating, while also meeting friends, enjoying your life, going new places, trying new things, learning new skills, and having fun.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, Midlife Dating and Relationship Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching for men and women in dating, transitions, retirement and other midlife issues. Susan is the author of Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women, available at www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .

2005-07-25T17:38:00.000-07:00

Midlife Dating: What are the Rules? by Susan Dunn, MA, Midlife Dating Coach

When you get ready to dip your toe into the dating waters after having been married for a while, you may be wondering what the rules are.

While some people say there are no rules in the game of life, I think its the opposite. There are always rules, and you have to figure them out as you go along.

There are no rules in the sense that you dont have to follow them, following them doesnt guarantee good results, and they dont apply to everyone.

You can also follow all the rules but personalities and emotions get in the way. For instance in school, you probably learned the unfair fact of life that you could be the best student, but you might not get the best grades if the teacher didnt like you. Thats a meta-rule.

Meta-rules are the rules about rules. To say there are no rules is a meta-rule.

It will be helpful if you arm yourself with some meta-rules before you begin dating again. Here are a few. There are more in my ebook, Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women.

1.Use good manners. Then no matter what happens, youll still feel good about yourself.
2.Its frustrating because everyones in a different stage of recovery and because its a challenge to meet new people. There will be rejections. Roll with the punches. Everyone else is going through it too.
3.People of the opposite sex have changed since last you dated. If the last time you dated the women were 20, and now theyre 40, youll find theyve learned a lot about men and relationships. Expect surprises.
4.All members of the opposite sex are not like the one you just lost or left.
5.Theres a lid for every pot. Keep looking.
6.Get clear about what you want, and make sure youre sending out the right signals. (Check with a coach.)
7.I love you no longer means a commitment. Its said more often, just as hugs between men and women are given more often.
8.People lie, both men and women. This hasnt changed.
9.People also do not always know how they feel nor are they able to express it accurately. Women remain better at it, statistically. It can take a man hours to figure out what he was feeling at the time. If youre a man and want to speed this up and clarify, work with an EQ coach. If youre a woman, give him time.
10.It takes time to get to know someone and trust them. Experience them over time in different situations with different people and pay attention.
11.We intuit the meta-rules. The rules that are spoken or written are not always the rules that matter. For instance in grade school we knew the rules, but we knew what teachers enforced them and what teachers didnt. Likewise with midlife dating, its not always as it first appears. With experience, youll start to catch on, get better at it, and feel better about it, even if you cant articulate it. Thats intuition.
12.There are no mistakes, as long as youre learning and growing.
13.Date with the attitude of having experiences and getting experience, not having success. Success may be a byproduct of the experiences, but getting the experience is the point.
14.Desperation drives it away.

Now you need to get the lay of the land.

1.All-singles affairs arent the best way to meet potential dates. Its too forced and the male:female ration is always askew. Attend them, but not exclusively.
2.If youre a woman, consider adding Internet dating to your mix. There are more men online than women.
3.Men arent against marriage. A man whos married once is likely to marry again. Its women who file for divorce 2/3rds of the time.
4.At 50, if youre a woman and want to get married, there are 4 single women for each single man. However, only 8% of women polled by the AARP wanted a spouse, so the odds are better than they appear.
5.For dating, theyre less than they appear. 80% of men over 50 say they want to date a younger woman. The older they are, the wider the gap they want.
6.People do differentiate between dating and a partner. The top things theyre looking for in both are personality and compatibility. However, when dating, appearance matters more.
7.Introductions from friends and family are the best bet, followed by the workplace, but most people whove dated someone in their office say they wont do it again.
8.Only 2% of women and 20% of men think sex is acceptable on the first date. (AARP)
9.If you get turned down for a date, it isnt you. 9% of seniors say they wouldnt date anyone, any time, under any circumstance.
10.Only when youve gotten over the past and love yourself, are you ready to date and love again.
11.Go slow. The divorce rate for second marriages is 60-70%.

One last thing that hasnt changed: if they dont write, dont call, they just arent that into you. Sad, but not the end of the world. Put a smile on your face and throw your hat back in the ring. Someone is hoping youll find them one sweet day!

True love is something else that never changes.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, Midlife Dating and Relationship Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching for men and women in dating, transitions, retirement and other midlife issues. Susan is the author of Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women, available at www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .

2005-07-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

Lessons About Marriage Learnt From Riding A Bike by Conrad L.Jones

"Marriage relationships are similar to learning to ride a bicycle as a kid."
Unwrapping The Gift
Marriage is like a gift;the easiest part of marriage relationships is opening it by saying, "I do." I once heard someone say at a ceremony, "The wedding is now over, but the marriage has just begun!" Now that you are in this new chapter of your life, believe it or not, it has just begun.
Everytime I'd hop on that bike, I'd make it a few feet and fall off. When I first got married, our relationship seemed this way also. We'd set of on our journey, our differences would clash, and trivial arguments would erupt. You probably know what I mean. Ones like - "why didn't you put the toilet seat down? Where is the cap for the toothpaste? I thought you said you'd take out the trash? blah, blah, blah, blah, Are you listening to me?"
As a kid, I really was serious about learning to ride that bike, but a decision had to be made. Was I strong enough to not give up until I could ride?, or was I gonna take the easy way out and say "riding bikes isn't for me!". You've got to make these same decisions after you've said "I do". Will you keep going and work through your differences? Or will you say "let's get a divorce!".
Know that all marriage relationships have good and bad days. Great marriages relationships just work at producing more good days than bad ones.
"But Paul Doesn't Fall Off..."
We often look at other marriage relationships and measure our progress or lack of it based on what other people have or don't have. What's misleading about this is that we base our judgements from what we see on the outside, rather than knowledge from inside their lives. Sadly, we walk away and try to pattern our lives after what we've seen but, not understood.
I'll be the first to tell you, watching what Tom and Betsie do, and trying to act out this same thing between you and your mate, will only increase problems in your marriage relationship. Why? simply because you are trying to measure your marriage by someone else's standard. You have a totally different man/women in your life, create your own standards by learning what you both want in your marriage, then work by those standards. If you don't do this, get ready for a long, troublesome, frustrating journey.
Pedaling & Balance
In riding a bike, you need to learn balance to stay upright, and you need to pedal to move foward in the direction you wish to go. When these two work together, the result is a great breathtaking ride.
In marriage relationships, you also need forward, positive momentum, and balance. The wonderful things you do that pleases each other, builds passion and increases attraction (momentum), while learning more about each other and creating an environment for each of you to personally grow, gives balance.
Since there are also many things that decreases passion (slows momentum/love busters) and creates imbalance, both of you must constantly work at pedaling and balancing to build a great marriage (great ride).
Using Training Wheels
Using those training wheels gave me an opportunity to learn how to balance and pedal at the same time. After I'd gotten more comfortable coordinating the two, my dad took the training wheels off and helped me to move without them.
As married couples, because this is often new to us, creating balance and building
About the Author
Conrad L.Jones is CEO of "KPS Publishing Inc", an organization created to educate, motivate, and equip people working to improve their lives in areas of Godly living, personal finance, relationships, self-improvement and healthy lifestyles. To read more of his articles go to his site www.relationship-helps-and-advice.com

2005-07-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

What Does it Take to Make Life Better? by Neil Millar

What does it take for you to pay attention?

Youve probably heard this said, or said it yourself sometime, I just realised how precious life is. Maybe you heard it when a relative died or maybe you said it after an accident or some other emotional event, but did you stop to consider the grander meaning to what you say

What if every experience in your life is sent to you so you can understand who you are and what your life is all about?

Just for a moment, consider the possibilities within that question.

What if it were true, would you be prepared to pay more attention to the events in your life and the meaning behind them. If youre not satisfied with your situation in life and have an issue or two youd rather not handle then please read onhumour me, the author of a thriller, a public speaker and the writer of personal development books and newsletters.

It took a bump on the head to make me pay attention to issues in my life. And when I say bump, I mean a fourteen foot drop head-first onto concrete!

I dont recommend it!

But worse than the bang on the headconcussion, a few broken bones, nine stitches and colossal bruisingwas the fact that I lived and that meant I had to pay attention to things Id been ignoring.

My life changed quicklydivorce, change of homes, selling my businessit literally turned on its head in a matter of weeksand before I knew it the husband the father, the business partner in me had all be stripped away and Id been left a shadow of myself wondering who I was and what I was doing. But this is when something magical happened.

A man I meta man from the other side of the world, a man who I travelled over two hundred miles from where I lived to meet quite by chanceand he said something quite profound to me. It shaped my life from that day on.

Learn to live with your self, he told me. It sounded like great advice, but pretty quickly I discovered a floor in his idea With all the issues I had to deal with I certainly had no idea who I was anymore. And that was when an elegant blonde from Germany crossed my path

And when she disappeared from my sight I felt a pang in my stomach that I should not have felt. Let me explain.

I had been browsing inside a bookstore, looking through my favourite section as the clock ticked down and the store manager spoke in my ear. Can you make your way to the till, he said. I did as he asked, unaware that his request was going to be the beginning of a life purpose lesson and the answer to who I was.

At the moment I accepted my change, the receipt and my purchase that I looked up and saw her, crossing the road outside the shop. She walked up to the store door, tossed her hair, blonde and shiny in the street lights, over her shoulder and smiled nervously.

The store manager snapped before the woman could speak. You aint coming in, we're closing.

Tis okay, the woman said, in broken English. She unfolded a piece of paper and thrust it out to the Store Manager. I am looking for the Warwick Road. I am lost. Can you help me?

Aint got a clue, the manager shrugged. As I eased through the gap between the woman, the door and the store manager, I was appalled by his attitude. He managed a bookstoresurely they stocked a map!

Then I thought Warwick Road. Warwick Road I know that road Where is it? Where is it?

As the moments rushed by, the woman disappeared, melding into the dark, busy streets of London. Then I remembered the A-Z map I had in my hotel bedroom, which was no more than one hundred yards away. I knew I would have to run to catch her up, but as I started to run, something happen.

It all unfolded in my imagination: A woman walking the streets in London, approached by a man jogging after her, calling out, I can help. I can help, and saying follow me back to my hotel. I have an A-Z map up in my room!

It didnt add up.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I let her go. I let her go into the darkness of a London night alone And this is what happened to me when I got back to my hotel room.

It bothered me that I had not helped the woman and I paced the floor. It bothered me so much I ended up looking for Warwick Road on the A-Z map. I found it, right at the end of the road my hotel was on and for that matter where the bookstore was located! Right then I spotted the bag my new book was in and shook it out and it fell out onto the bed open on a page with a very odd question.

It asked a question. Who are you?
Immediately I knew why I was so bothered by my inability to help the woman. In that moment it all made sense to me. I had become so frustrated because I knew that I could have helped that woman and didnt. I knew I was here to help people find direction in life. And that realisation led to another

It really was quite ironic as I thought about the events: here I was, supposedly not lost and yet a woman who had admitted to being lost had made me think about my life again. The fact that she had been lost and I had failed to help gave me a wonderful reminder of who I was and what my life path is all about. This woman who claimed to be lost had most definitely given me directions back to who I am; thats the who that got lost in all those life issues.

What if every experience in life is sent to you so you can understand who you are and what life is all about?
Dont wait for a death or an accident to realise who you are and what is important to you. Live life now in every moment!
About the Author
Acclaimed by a New York Times Best-Seeling Author as "A master..." Novelist and personal development writer, Neil Millar invites you to take to a look at the Unstoppable Life website and find out how to:

Get the free monthly newsletter he writes with Personal Development Coach Jo Ball and obtain a complimentary copy of his book Greater Steps to Happiness.

Discover more: www.unstoppablelife.com

2005-07-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

10 Steps to Happily Ever After by Slade Hartwell

Do you know what all happy and healthy marriages have in common? In every one of them you will find two people committed to making each other happy. You will find a man who cherishes his wife and puts her needs above his own, and you will find a wife who respects and trusts her man. We live in very selfish times. Pop-psychology messages are everywhere in the media encouraging us to love ourselves, do right by ourselves, and generally please ourselves first. If you really want a happy marriage, dont buy into that type of self-centered thinking. Instead, try these 10 time-tested techniques and experience the happiness, peace, and tranquility of a healthy marriage.

1. Make time for each other. Its so easy in our hyper-busy modern lifestyles to forget to set aside a little time to enjoy each others company. Start a weekly tradition of setting a date for the two of you to be together doing something you both enjoy. Keep it simple. Take a nice walk together. Sip coffee together in a cozy coffeehouse. Talk to each other, reminisce, and get to know each other again.

2. Take time off from each other. Give each other space and time to work on hobbies and personal interests. When you have an interesting project to work on, you will feel more fulfilled and you will be a more interesting person.

3. Make little romantic gestures. Remember to compliment your spouse. Leave a little love note for them to find once in awhile. Celebrate the day you first met.Send flowers for no particular reason. You should continuously make little deposits in your spouses emotional bank account. The return on your investment will be incredible.

4. Fight fair. Dont argue in front of other people. Dont insult each other or each others families. Never threaten divorce, and never go to bed angry. Let the little things go, and dont make a big deal out of every disagreement. Before arguing, think; is this really going to matter in the long run?

5. Take interest in what interests your spouse. Watch their favorite shows with them. Read their favorite book, so you can talk about it with them. Encourage them to develop their talents.

6. Listen to your spouse. Husbands, remember that women need to express their feelings. Be a good sport and just listen. Dont interrupt, or get distracted. Empathize with her. Let her know that you can relate to what shes feeling. Ladies, please remember that the kind of talk you might like to have with your husband does not come naturally to most men. Just be patient. Its not a good idea to "unload" on him right when he comes home from work.

7. Accept your spouse for who they are. Practice total acceptance. Dont hold your spouse to your expectations; you will only succeed at building resentment.

8. Express your commitment. In little ways, you can, and should, renew your vows to each other over and over. Your spouse will feel comfortable and secure knowing that you are truly committed to the marriage. True closeness will only happen when all doubt and insecurity is replaced by confidence in the relationship. Let your spouse know that you really are in it "till death do us part."

9. Trust in each other. Dont be suspicious. Dont snoop through each others belongings. To help ensure the trust, be honest with your spouse in all things. Never keep secrets from each other, not even little ones.

10. Make it your aim to be your spouses best friend. Appreciate your spouse for who they are. Loosen up and have fun with each other. If you are practicing the steps above, you are on your way to being your spouses best friend the ultimate relationship in marriage.
About the Author
Slade Hartwell, Webmaster at www.ezromantic.com
Romance Relationship Resources We offer tons of romance and relationship help such as: great articles, advice, love poems, book reviews, gift ideas, romantic travel guides, a relationships forum, and more.

2005-07-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

CHILD SUPPORT: 5 KEY THINGS EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW by Detra D. Davis

There is no magic solution to getting issues surrounding child support resolved. Most parents know that when dealing with the bureaucracy tied to the child support system persistence, persistence, persistence is the key that opens the door. In fact, it is the only thing that will open any door when it comes to getting a resolution to a problem. You cannot count on pencil pushers, or all too patient white collar Friend of the Court workers to help. They are overworked, underpaid, wrapped in a sea of paperwork, antiquated computer programs, and red tape that barely allows them to move from point A to point B. So whats a parent to do?

1.If your relationship even remotely appears to be on the rocks and children are involved start collecting information on your partner. This is advice for both men and women. Dont fool yourself gentlemen; you too can become a custodial parent seeking child support from your partner. It may not be the norm, but it is a reality. Dont sneak around, and dont feel as though you are going behind someones back. You have to do what is in the best interest of your children and yourself. Begin collecting bank account numbers, list of licenses, locations of stock/bond papers, money markets and past work/address history. Gather as much as you can.
2.Keep impeccable records. Write the names, addresses, phone and fax numbers to everyone you talk to concerning your child support case. You must hold people accountable and this is one way to do it. Dont ever be afraid to ask a judge or referee, attorney or the child support worker of your case who they report to at the end of the day. This will send a clear message that they will be held accountable for every word that comes out of their mouth so it better be in your best interest.
3.Parents who were married at the time of conception may not have an issue filing for a child support order and often times your divorce attorney will cover this matter in your initial interview. However if the parents are not married, establishing paternity is essential if you expect to receive child support. Paternity means fatherhood. Establishing paternity provides the child/children with a legal father.
4.Child support equals survival. Break-ups are never easy for the parents or the children. It often means that the emotional and financial standard of living for all parties will suffer. Parents must understand that child support is paid for the well being of the child and the parent caring for that child. Money is a powerful tool in this society and can be used as a weapon when it comes to child support. The duty to pay child support and the right to visit are two different issues. They are not connected in the law. In the eyes of the court the child is entitled to contact with both parents. If non-support is an issue, begin documenting the visitation and during your next visit with the judge or referee assigned to your case mention the fact that support has stopped. If you dont have an upcoming court visit, write the judge or referee assigned to your case. You can also inform your child support worker if you have one assigned, but write the judge and request a hearing to address the matter immediately.
5.There is power in the pen, or in the keyboard, depending on how you choose to communicate with the people associated with your child support case. Always, always leave a paper trail. If you send a letter, ask the postal worker to give you a confirmation, it will at least let you know when the letter has arrived. Calling child support workers or trying to get in touch with Friend of the Court staff is as impossible as willing the mega millions lottery. Parent must continue to write or, drop off letters to their workers/judges, and get the name of the person you leave the letter with, along with a phone number, This is great advice for any situation, if you think someone is giving you a bogus phone number, use your cell phone or a pay phone and call the number before you leave the location. If the number is not valid go back, ask to speak to a supervisor and let them know; and take the information to court with you so it can become part of the court record. If you truly have a problem getting child support issues addressed, write your legislators and your governor, weekly if needed. The squeaky wheel get the oil, and nothing ventured, nothing gained.

About the Author
Detra D. Davis is a Consultant, and technical writer with over 20 years of experience. She writes technical and operational manuals, and works as Parent Educator teaching workshops on the importance of establishing paternity and paying child support. Detra may be reached at 313-446-0896, at www.supportingourchildren.com or by mail at J. Davis & Associates Publishing, P. O. Box 44782, Detroit, MI 48244-0782, Attention: Detra D. Davis.

2005-07-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

"Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce?" by Karl Augustine

Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage.

But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage.

Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation.

The opportunity is great to grow personally that is present when you're deciding about divorce because of being in a loveless marriage. Let's take a look at some of the items that are relevant to this situation regarding a loveless marriage and how you can approach this
time in your life from a mature standpoint and come to the right choice while growing at the same time.

Loveless marriage item 1: Define love as you see it and assess whether or not your spouse agrees somewhat with you, at least in a complementary fashion.

For a loveless marriage to be assessed properly, making sure your idea or definition of love is "clear" is a solid way to make sure that you know what you've lost. And, if your spouses idea of what love is differs from yours so much that you both can't somewhat reap the
benefits of love, you may need counseling to get to the root issue of your loveless marriage.

Loveless marriage item 2: Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out.

Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, assuming you were actually in love at some point. Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way!

Loveless marriage item 3: Decide if you were ever really in love as you define love.

Your loveless marriage could have always been loveless, you may have just been to distracted to notice. You may have received other benefits from being with your spouse in the past that you arent getting now and that could be why you're frustrated and living in a loveless marriage.

Of course, if you were in fact in love with your spouse at one time in the past, you both might not have done what needs to be done to keep love alive. Before you do anything about your loveless marriage, make sure you understand how your idea of love may have changed over time, and really contemplate if you were really ever in love.

Loveless marriage item 4: Assessing whether or not you need to be in love to stay married and if so, can your love be re-kindled?

This item regarding a loveless marriage is a crucial point in your decision making process. Some people stay married even when they are in a loveless marriage because the benefits they get from being married psychologically outweigh the need for love. These benefits could many things and could stem from lack of self confidence, money, fear of loneliness, etc.

If you're a person who needs love to stay married, make sure that you really think about how rejuvenate the love in your loveless marriage before you decide on divorce. If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for.

If you really do soul searching and talk with your spouse openly about the lack of zest in your marriage in the hopes of making it better, you may find that your spouse feels the same way that you do!

Being a loveless marriage can be a drain on your day to day energy if you need love to stay happily married. If your marriage is worth it to you, be mature about the situation and do all you can to rekindle the love before you do anything else. If you do, you'll grow personally as
will your spouse regardless whether or not you get a divorce.
About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
deciding on divorce.com

loveless marriage

2005-07-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

Are You Fit To Love? by Allie Ochs

Are You Fit To Love?
is the most important question youll ever ask yourself. Lets face it, our relationships are extremely important. Yet, often they are the cause of pain and struggle. Single or not, societal standards convince us that we can have it all. Much of the available relationship advice compels us to go after everything we want. Sadly, for many it is not working. Climbing divorce rates and more singles seeking love are proof that our attitudes are counterproductive.
Our expectations have become highly unrealistic. Rarely do we look in the mirror and ask: Am I fit to love? Today's relationships are failing because of deterioration of character. It is time we made a point of building long-term relationship success based on the strength of our characters, instead of clever-minded relationship strategies.
Great relationships require great characters. We simply must become better people for each other. Becoming fit to love is a powerful wake-up call for the brave. It will dramatically improve our relationships or our chances of finding love.
The happiest people are those in exceptional relationships. They are heavily invested in their most valuable asset: their relationship and have an abundance of lifes most precious commodity: love. They all have one thing in common: they are fit to love. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are three universal principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity and here is what it means:
Mutual Respect: Your partner is just as important as you.
Our partners dreams and hopes are as important as our own. This principle requires us to think of our partner as our equal. Given that our generation has made history as ambassadors of our me first society, we are more concerned with getting what we want. For Bill, everything revolves around golfing. He spends every weekend at the golf course while his wife, Jane, looks after their two small children. Extra money from their already tight budget is spent on Bills hobby. Stuck at home with toddlers, Jane has little freedom to do or buy anything special. Despite Janes complaints Bill seems completely aloof to the fact that he is disrespectful.
Relationship conflicts arise because of different perspectives. Lovers argue over who is right, instead solving the issue in their mutual best interest. The struggle over unresolved issues leads to resentment even when there is love. Love and respect take a backseat and the relationship deteriorates. This dangerous game is the reason why many relationships fail, when they shouldnt. Instead of trying to change each other or putting our needs first, we must realize that our partner is just as important. In grabbing hold of our partners beliefs we show that we respect our partner. If conflict arises and we cannot agree, we should simply agree to disagree and continue to talk with respect. Without mutual respect, it is impossible to create loving relationships.
Moral Responsibility: You are always morally responsible to
those with whom you have relationships.
We live in a society that elevates self-fulfillment above anything else. We seek self-fulfillment at any cost, even at the cost of others. Regardless of how often we have heard that we are not responsible for our partners happiness, we are still responsible for his or her well-being. Love is a moral responsibility to another person. We blame our partners if things do not work out without looking in the mirror to see our own flaws. Yet, everything we think, say or do affects those we love.
Jennifer had lunch with her friend Sally at a quaint restaurant. Jennifer could barley wait to share the details about her affair with this young stud. Sally listened in awe as Jennifer blamed her so-called inattentive husband, Paul. It was a strange twist of fate that Paul sat behind the flower-decorated lattice wall listening to every word his wife said. From here on life took a different turn. Jennifer had deceived her husband Paul and lost the respect of Sally. This is a high price to pay for moments of sex.
In our quest for better relationships, we must make our relationship a priority. We must focus on our relationship not elsewhere.

Authenticity: True love only happens when you are real
Have you ever found yourself laughing simply because everyone else did? Agreed with your partners opinion even though you didnt share it or said: I love you when you didnt mean it. Did you ever do something inconsistent with your true self just to please someone or to get what you wanted? Of course we all have. We have lost the bravery to be real!
For many there is quite a gap between the inside and the person they present to the world. How about Toni, the dad who rents a Porsche to impress his date, while being delinquent in child support. Debby spends every Sunday at Grants parents but resents it. To keep the peace, she refrains from claiming some of these Sundays on her terms.
To be validated we often compromise who we are. Conditioned by our environment we have become products of the culture we live in. No matter how good we are at playing roles eventually our truth emerges. Being fit to love means being real. When we are authentic our relationships become real and we never have to doubt them.
Regardless of the state of our relationships or how unsuccessfully we have tried to find love we have the power to radically change today. Mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity are key to exceptional relationships. People in exceptional relationships are fit to love and in the process they reap some profound rewards:
They live much happier lives
They cope far better with stress
They have better sex more often
They laugh more often and have more fun
They are healthier and live longer
They are more optimistic
They feel more secure and stable
No wonder we envy these people. In times like these, laced with tremendous uncertainty their relationships are like rock-solid anchors. Mahatma Gandhi said: A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. Lets be brave!

Allie Ochs, 2004 www.fit2love.com Unauthorized publication or distribution are strictly prohibited

About the Author
Allie Ochs, Relationship Expert, Caoch, Speaker and Author of:
Are You Fit To Love? ISBN 0972022791
www.fit2love.com or e-mail: allie@fit2love.com

2005-07-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

EMOTIONAL TRADING by Al Thomas

THE ALCHEMIST by AL THOMAS
EMOTIONAL TRADING
The single most expensive stock market trades are those made with emotions, but, of course, you are not an emotional trader are you?
Before you bought that stock, mutual fund or Exchange Traded Fund (ETF) you did your research to be sure that what you were buying would return
a good profit over the long haul. You bought it and over time you look at it less and less.
Ask yourself: when you plunked down your hard earned money did you have any idea where you would sell it or where you might exit the trade should
the stock go down instead of up? And suppose it has gone up have you made any plans to protect those profits?
There were many geniuses in 1999 who bought a tech stock at $20 and saw it run to $200 only to come back down to $2. Those who had an exit strategy probably sold out as it turned over and
dropped like a rock. They kept most of their profits as well as their original investment.
What kept those BuyNholders in? It was emotion. They fell in love with the stock because they knew it was worth more and would come back up.Investing is not an I hope, I hope business,
but it is a business. Never become emotionally attached to anything you buy. If you were in the buggy whip business in 1900 and saw the automobile
putting the horse out to pasture you easily knew it was time to sell out. That also applies to any investment you make in the stock market.
Once each month you should be checking to see if your various stocks are advancing as planned. Forget all those pretty research reports your
broker sent you. Burn them. Now you must not care anything about that company. What you care about
now is your money. As long as the stock price is advancing you may continue your love affair, but when it starts down it is time for a divorce. Time
to leave before the damage gets worse.
This is where emotion becomes expensive. If you just bought it your ties are strong and you know if you sell you will have a loss. Never fall for that old brokers adage that you dont have a loss until you sell. Anyone who believes that will be eating cat food at retirement.
When you bought that new car you knew as soon as you drove it off the lot it would be worth 20% less than you paid for it. Twenty percent is a lot
and more than most folks should be willing to risk when investing. Forget the long haul as you dont want to take the 40% losses that many
investors did in 2000.
Usually a good rule of thumb is 10%. When you drive that stock off the exchange floor your risk should be limited. You decide how much you are
willing to lose if it goes down instead of up and as it goes up carry that risk percentage along to lock in your profit.
If you do sell never look back. Fagedaboudit! In 80% of those sales when you do look back six months later you will see you are way ahead in
the money game.
Do not allow an emotional attachment to keep you in any stock or fund. It will drain you both mentally and financially.

About the Author
F*R*E*E investment letter www.mutualfundmagic.com
Author of best seller "IF IT DOESN'T GO UP,DON'T BUY IT!" Never lose money in the market. Copyright 2004 Albert W. Thomas All rights reserved.Former 17-year exchange member, floor trader and brokerage company owner

2005-07-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

Miscommunication - Root Cause of Problems? by Michael Lee

People of two opposing ideas can stir up arguments
and fights. It's that situation when one thinks
he has the right concept while the other one also
believes he has the proper notion. Both of them
would try to outsmart each other until one claims
victory.

Here's an actual example.

My girlfriend Riza would sometimes buy me signature
clothing. When my Mom founds out how much it costs,
she would advise us to budget our money and just buy
the affordable ones.

A problem occurs when Riza thinks that her effort
to give me the best was unappreciated. Mom, on
the other hand, would think that Riza is such
a spender.

There's a conflict with their beliefs. No two
people are exactly alike. We are totally unique;
not only physically, but mentally and emotionally
as well.

There will be many times when your opinion will not
correspond with that of another. So how can people
prevent this kind of conflict from occurring?

Communication is the key to overcome doubts and
misunderstandings.

You should let other people know what's in your mind.
Don't keep them guessing.

There was a story about two couples who were filing
a divorce. After the lawyer have spoken to them
both, he found out that the root cause of all their
problems was due to miscommunication.

Here's one of the couple's problems.

The man filing the divorce said that he just hated
the breakfast meal that his wife often prepared for
him. On the other hand, the wife said that she's
only preparing the meal because she thought it was
her husband's favorite. But she never liked cooking
it because it's very difficult to prepare.

See? If only one of them took the initiative to
speak out what's in his or her mind, then that
particular dilemma would be over.

Now why would people prefer to keep their complaints
and criticisms to themselves? What's holding them
back?

It's because they do not want to be rejected. Most,
people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to
be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others.

So can you get your message across without hurting
their feelings?

Substitute negative statements with positive ones.

Instead of saying "You don't understand," say "Let
me explain." Instead of remarking "You're wrong,"
say "Permit me to clarify." Instead of stating
"You failed to say," just mention "Perhaps this was
not stated."

There are certain words that affect a person more
negatively in comparison with other words that have
the same meaning.

Nothing could be more pleasing to the ear than
hearing someone else say that you are right. In
this case, be prepared to let other people know that
you respect their opinions. You may add your comments
at the end, but acknowledge them first.

Say:
You're right, although ...
Great suggestion, however ...
I agree with your opinion, however ...
I would feel the same way if I were you, although ...
I understand your situation, however ...

Reassure your counterparts that the decision made will
benefit both parties. People need to feel that they
have made the right choice.

Communication is a gift. Use it wisely for everyone's
advantage.

About the Author
Michael Lee is the author of "How To Be A Red Hot
Persuasion Wizard," an ebook that reveals powerful
secrets on how to get anything you want, including how
to fully improve your relationships, explode your
profits, win arguments, and magically influence others.
Grab a sample chapter at http://www.20daypersuasion.com

2005-07-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

"Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You're Staying Married Only For Your Children" by Karl Augustine

All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.

As a parent, you should know your children better than anyone...use your best judgment with your children during considering divorce. This "divorce and children" article is for parents who are certain that they would get a divorce if they didn't have children and want to decide what to think about regarding the effects a divorce would have on their children.

In *Dr. Robert Emery's book, "The Truth About Children And Divorce", he explains that children of divorced parents can actually live wonderful lives as long as the parents use proper judgment and create the right types of interactions between themselves and with each other.

*Dr. Emery is a divorce mediation expert and is a Professor of Psychology. Dr. Emery serves as the Director of the Center for Children, Families, and The Law for the Department of Psychology at the University of Virginia.

This article on this web page does not suggest that divorce is the correct course of action for you and it in no way should be taken as a form of counseling to you. This article is merely to spark you to think logically and then make your own decision about divorce and your children.

As previously stated, every child is different and subsequently, every child responds to divorce in a different way.

If you think there's a definitive answer about how divorce affects children, you are mistaken. There's been hundreds of books written about this subject and a plethora of studies done regarding divorce and children, all citing differing opinions and using different statistical constraints and inputs. But, statistics can only go so far...if you know your children better than anyone else, you will know best how they'll be affected by a divorce.

How divorce affects children and what you should do if you're staying married solely because you have children is complicated issue.

Here's some things you may want to consider if you're a parent who is staying married just because you have children:

Children and divorce consideration 1: Make sure that you are, in fact, only staying married just because you have children.

Often times people use the children as an excuse not to get a divorce because they aren't really sure that they want a divorce or have some other fear regarding divorce. Those fears can be present due to finance, self-confidence, living arrangements, or other personal issues.

Before you really take the next steps in deciding whether or not to get a divorce because of your children, rank your reasons for divorce and make sure that you're really certain you'd get a divorce if you didn't have children.

Children and divorce consideration 2: Make sure 'guilt' isn't the real reason that you aren't getting a divorce.

The 'guilt' referenced above is the guilt brought on by thinking that your divorce will hurt your children. In and of itself, this feeling of guilt is a selfish one if you haven't really examined carefully if a divorce will have an adverse effect on your children. If you aren't getting divorced because of guilt in this regard, but you still have an unhappy marriage that is affecting your children, then you aren't really staying married for them, you're staying married for you because you feel guilty...this is selfish.

Children and divorce consideration 3: Once you've clearly defined that you are in fact, not getting a divorce solely because you have children, examine why you think divorce will adversely affect your children.

Remember, divorce can have a negative effect on children initially, but that doesn't necessarily mean that a divorce will be a negative influence on your children forever.

Decide whether or not your children have the resiliency, the intelligence, the emotional health, and the support they'd need to mitigate the adverse effects that a divorce would have on them. Will they be happy after the initial shock of the divorce is worked through?

Children and divorce consideration 4: Once you've really defined what you believe to be negative effects on your children due to divorce, think about what your children's life will be like in the immediate and distant future if you do actually go through with the divorce.

Ask yourself, "Can I create and maintain a healthy environment for my children if I do get a divorce?"

One thing that is a critical factor in this decision is the feasibility of you and your spouse getting a divorce amicably. If you and your spouse can go through a divorce amicably, and you both can agree to always put your children's welfare above your own, you will be one step ahead.

Again, make sure you are certain a divorce is necessary to create the right type of environment for your children. Assure that there is absolutely no way you can rekindle your marriage.

Usually, divorce represents the first real trauma of a child's life. Keep this in mind when your making your divorce decision. Divorce is a serious step and nothing should be done until your're certain that divorce is the best course of action. Getting a divorce without making sure that divorce is the right thing is selfish on your part and is the wrong thing to do to your children...after all, they deserve your best effort!

One thing should remain constant...that you and your spouse will always be there for your children, no matter what.
About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!

Deciding on Divorce

Children and Divorce

2005-07-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

What 10 Things Divorced Parent Should Do To Promote Positive Child Adjustment? by Ruben Francia

The effects of recent enlargement in divorce rates are negative effects. Divorced children are more probably to get pregnant as teenagers, drop out of high school, abuse drugs and have aggressively emotional and behavioral problems, which lead to social problems. Some children decide to go out of their home when their parents separate each other, and subsequently they become homeless children. They do not have good opportunities to find a job due to shortage of education. Consequently, crime may likely be the end result.

As parent, one of your top priorities is to reduce this negative effect and help your children have positive divorce adjustment. Here are the 10 things you should do to promote positive divorce child adjustment.

1. Do encourage your children to talk about how they feel.

The sure way to help your children adjust to divorce is for you to know what they feel. So let your children know that they can openly talk to you about their feelings of your separation or divorce. Keep lines of communication open and answer all questions about the changes. Make sure your children feels like they can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.

2. Reassure children that everything will be ok but just different.

Children are invariably frightened and confused by divorce. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect.

3. Do stay involve in your children's life.

Custodial and non-custodial parent should stay involve in their children's life. Children may interpret lack of involvement as rejection. Often, they think the parent who is not involved in their life loves them less. If your children are to adjust well to your divorce, nurturing the parent-child relationship is paramount. Spend special time with your children, have fun together and continually express your love for your children.

4. Do keep your ex-spouse from becoming an ex-parent.

Many non-custodial parents, who typically are fathers, fail to stay involved with their children after the divorce. This is unfortunate as children's adjustment is enhanced by a positive, active relationship with both parents.

If you are the custodial parent, you should encourage the involvement of the non-custodial parent even though it takes extra effort if a lot of anger is still present. It is a time when you must separate your spousal relationship from your parenting relationship. This is hard, but it is possible. You must try not to "direct" your spouse's parenting patterns and concentrate your efforts on smoothing access.

5. Do not argue with your ex-spouse in front of your child.

Children exposed to conflict are more likely to have behavioral and emotional disturbances, suffer social and interpersonal problems, and show impairment in their thought and reasoning processes. Experts say the amount of conflict the child witnesses during and immediately after divorce is a crucial factor in his or her adjustment.

When parents show better emotional adjustment after the divorce, so do the children. Children show much less anxiety, insecurity and distress when parents are able to argue in a proper manner, reach an agreement, and stick to the compromise.

6. Do keep routines consistent as much as possible.

Children thrive on consistency and stability. During the transition you need to demonstrate to the child that their life will not change dramatically. Having consistent routines (having generally the same naptimes, mealtimes, bedtimes and bath-times each day) is important for young children, because it helps them to feel secure. At times, some parenting issues require communication and coordination between parents, if the child spends time with both parents. Both parents don't have to do things exactly the same way, but it is easier for children if most things are similar at each home.

7. Do make every effort to ease the transition of your children from one home to the other.

Transition between homes can be stressful for children as well as adults. Initial adjustment to new situations can cause tension, and children may experience grief and loss over their parent separation for some time.

Children can have difficulty thinking about leaving their custodial parent and their primary home even for the weekend. And if you are the non-custodial parent, when your children get adjusted to being at your home, it may be difficult for them to think about leaving you again, even though they're glad to see their custodial parent.

You can make transition easier for your children by allowing children to make choices about what toys, clothes, collections, etc., are kept in each home, establishing regular schedules, and be flexible enough to accommodate schedule changes.

8. Do keep children familial ties.

Children benefit from keeping the familial ties in their life that were meaningful and important to them prior to the divorce. Such familial ties may not be limited to parents but may also include extended family, such as grandparents.

9. Develop a parenting plan.

Planning how to care for children after separation can be a confusing and difficult task. This is the reason that made parenting plan so important. Having a plan can make it easier for you and your ex-spouse to work together as parents and reduce the amount of conflict between you. One way to help your children adjust to divorce become an effective parent is to have a plan, so create one for your child.

10. Do create a generally supportive and cooperative in-between parent relationship.

Children benefit to the greatest when the in-between parent relationship is generally supportive and cooperative. Though most parents know this, they find it hard to set aside their anger and resentment toward the other parent making co-parenting hardly possible. Try to remedy this situation by getting my free ebook on cooperative parenting and divorce. Visit my website and get your free "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce" ebook.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-07-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for Toddlers? by Ruben Francia

Toddlers, toddlers, toddlers! Very young, seems don't understand what is happening yet their development may be affected by parental divorce. During the first three years of life, children grow quickly and become mobile, learn language, begin to understand how the world works, and form social relationship. With parental divorce, threat to child's full development will always be present.

But here is the good news. Did you know that you as parent possess all the power to help your children make a positive adjustment to family changes? All you need to know is learn how divorce affect your children and determine what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for them. Knowing how toddlers react to divorce will bring you to a better position of knowing the best appropriate divorce parenting practices you can give for your child.

So let's start the ball rolling. How is toddlers affected by divorce? Toddlers are most concerned about how their own needs will be met. Toddlers may worry about who will fix their dinner or tuck them in bed, whether the parent they live with is also going to leave, and if their parents still love them.

Toddlers may recognize that one parent no longer live at home but still don't understand why. They may begin asking questions and ask the same question after some time, as they still don't understand the answers.

Toddlers become more aware of others' feelings and learn to express their own feelings with words and through play. They may become more aggressive or fearful when their parents divorce.

Toddlers find it hard to manage strong feelings like sadness or anger. They may miss the parent who is gone or be angry about not being able to be with a parent.

Toddlers' negative behavior and acting out may increase during the divorce process. They may exert their independence more frequently by saying "No" to adult requests.

If these are how toddlers react to divorce, what then is divorce parenting practices that is best appropriate for them? By knowing how toddler's react to divorce a lot of ideas will come up to your mind on what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for your toddler. To add up to your list of ideas, here below are some divorce parenting practices that is best for your child.

Establishing a consistent, predictable, and routines. Having consistent is important for young children, because it helps them to feel secure. At times, some parenting issues require communication and coordination between parents, if the child spends time with both parents. Both parents don't have to do things exactly the same way, but it is easier for children if most things are similar at each home.

Reassure toddlers of your continued presence with physical affection and loving words. Infants and toddlers need to know that their parents still love them and that they will be taken care of.

Be caring and increase your child awareness. Understands their thoughts and feelings, and helps them express those thoughts and feelings makes a world of difference.

Be sensitive to children signs of depression and fear. Seek professional help if depression is prolonged or intense.

Be actively part of your child's life. Ongoing parental involvement fosters positive parent-child relationships and healthy emotional and social development.

Support your former spouse in making positive relation with your child. Children generally fare best when they have the emotional support and ongoing involvement of both parents. If you have difficulty relating to your former spouse then get your free copy of my ebook "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Just visit my website and get the said ebook for free.

You can learn more divorce parenting practices appropriate for children of any age in my ebook "101 Ways To Raise 'Divorced' Children to Successfully." This ebook is a divorce parenting guide that offers many proven ways that will not only help you help your children but will also guide you on how to deal with yourself and your former ex-spouse for your children's sake. Thus, giving you complete information on how to raise a healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. For more information, please visit my website.

With the above information, I hope you will become an empowered divorced parent and believe that you can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorce.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

2005-07-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

What Divorce Parenting Practices is Best Appropriate for an Infant? by Ruben Francia

Is there such thing as divorce parenting practices that is best appropriate for an infant? I tell you, yes there is. In fact, it's not only for infant. At every stage of children's development, whether infants, toddlers, preschoolers, elementary school age children or adolescents, there is such thing as appropriate divorce parenting practices.

But before we get into discussing serious matter, let me ask you a couple of questions? Is it important for parents to know the best appropriate divorce parenting practices? What benefits children or/and parents can get if there is, by employing the best appropriate divorce parenting practices? I will leave those questions hanging into your mind but please make your answers as vivid as possible such that you will no longer mind time and read the rest of this article.

Let's go back to business. First, you need to understand how infants react to divorce. Knowing how infants react to divorce will bring you to a better position of knowing the best appropriate divorce parenting practices you can do for your child.

So, how is infant affected by divorce? Infants do not understand divorce but they can pick up on changes in their parent's feelings and behavior. When a parent acts worried or sad around an infant, the infant is likely to feel worried or sad.

Infants cannot tell adults how they feel. Yes, they can pick up their parent's feelings but they still cannot tell us how they feel. As a result, infants may act more fussy and difficult to comfort, or seem uninterested in people or things when their parents are upset relative to divorce.

Infants of age 6 to 8 months develop stranger anxiety. They may act fearful or anxious around unfamiliar people. After divorce, an infant may see one parent less often than before, so the infant may show stranger anxiety around that parent.

Infants of age 8 to 12 months may begin to show separation distress. Infants may cry, scream or cling when a parent is leaving. It is hard for an infant to be separated from a parent, especially for a long period of time, such as overnight. When parents divorce, infants may experience more separations and feel less secure. You may notice an increase in your infant's separation distress during the divorce process.

Now that you know how infant react to divorce, I'm sure a lot of ideas comes to your mind on what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for an infant. To add up to your list of ideas, here below are some of the things you should do to help your infant adjust to divorce. These are what I called the divorce parenting best appropriate for an infant.

Establishing a consistent, predictable, and routines. Having consistent is important for young children, because it helps them to feel secure. At times, some parenting issues require communication and coordination between parents, if the child spends time with both parents. Both parents don't have to do things exactly the same way, but it is easier for children if most things are similar at each home.

Separate your feelings about the other parent from your parenting role. This may be difficult but doing so will help your infant not to pick up distress feelings.

Interacting with the child in a location where the child feels secure and comfortable.

Keep children's favorite toys, blankets or stuffed animals close at hand.

Reassure infants of your continued presence with physical affection and loving words. Infants and toddlers need to know that their parents still love them and that they will be taken care of.

Be actively part of your child's life. Infants are likely to feel most comfortable around both parents if they have frequent contact with both parents following divorce.

Be caring and increase your child awareness. Understands their thoughts and feelings, and helps them express those thoughts and feelings makes a world of difference.

Communicate with other caregivers. Talk with other important adults and caregivers about how to support your child during this transition time. Be sure to keep them updated about family changes. They need to know what is going on in order to understand the child's behavior.

You can learn more divorce parenting practices appropriate for children of any age in my ebook "101 Ways To Raise 'Divorced' Children to Successfully." Likewise, if you have difficulty relating to your former spouse then get your free copy of my other ebook "8 Essential Steps To Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." For more information, please visit my website.

With the above information, I hope you will become an empowered divorced parent and believe that you can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorce.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.

About the Author
Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Get his other ebook for FREE, "8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce." Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com