"Divorce Reasons; What Constitutes A Viable Reason For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?" by Karl Augustine

"Divorce Reasons; What Constitutes A Viable Reason For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?" by Karl Augustine

According to the Center for Disease
Control's National Vital Statistics
Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages
ended in divorce and 60% of
remarriages end in divorce. But, the
Center for Disease Control also found
that 96% of Americans express a
personal desire for marriage, and
almost three-quarters of Americans
believe marriage is a life long
commitment.

I imagine that there are somewhat
similar statistics worldwide.

With these kinds of statistics, its
easy to see how complex it can be when
people think they want a divorce, they
have difficulty identifying how a
truly viable divorce reason might be
defined. Wanting happiness through
marriage and wrestling with what may
seem an inevitable outcome (divorce),
can be emotionally and mentally
challenging.

After all, it is human nature to want
to feel nurtured and secure, no matter
where you live!

So, if you're thinking about getting a
divorce, what are truly viable reasons
for actually getting a divorce?

Each government has different laws
defining the difference
between 'fault' and 'no-fault' divorce
reasons that have enough merit that
allow for the divorce to be granted.

While it makes sense for you to keep
this in mind when deciding whether or
not to get a divorce because there may
be financial considerations to think
of, you should first focus on defining
your own emotional or "personal"
divorce reasons, regardless of what
the local governing body says.

If you ask 100 people how they define
viable reasons for wanting a divorce,
you'll most likely get 100 different
answers because they'll answer you
from their perspective, not yours.

Sure, there may be similarities to the
way you feel in some of those answers
about 'real' divorce reasons, you may
even agree with some. But, the real
answers to this question can only come
from you. You have to figure out what
reason or reasons would be viable in
your mind in order to actually go
through your decision about getting a
divorce or staying married.

Some reasons that people give for
getting a divorce, or wanting a
divorce, are purely selfish and have
no substance. An example of a reason
for wanting a divorce that has no
substance is not liking the fact that
your spouse has constant unfounded
jealousy. There is a deeper problem
that exists here, and in the case of
this example, it could be that the
spouse who constantly feels jealousy
has a confidence problem or some sort
of 'fear of loss'. Whatever the case,
the divorce reason in this example
clearly isn't viable and should
relatively easy to fix.

Often times when people give 'surface'
or flimsy reasons for wanting a
divorce, they really have much deeper
feelings about something and they're
just using the shallow divorce reason
as an avoidance of some kind. Or, they
give these 'foundation-less' reasons
for wanting a divorce because they
actually aren't aware that there are
other deeper rooted reasons that are
the cause of the way they feel now.

Common reasons that cause people to
think about or want to get a divorce:

*Couple has conflicting personal
beliefs

*Couples marital satisfaction
decreases

*Desertion

*Adultery

*Cruel treatment

*Bigamy

*Imprisonment

*Spousal Indignities

*Institutionalization

*Irretrievable Breakdown of some kind

Of course, you should add your own reasons
to the list for wanting a divorce, better yet,
make your own list. Solid divorce reasons
for wanting or going through a divorce
usually come from some sort of
occurrence, behavioral pattern, and/or
change in the viewpoint of the
marriage itself.

In order to really make a smart
decision, you should first list the
reasons that you have for wanting a
divorce, then examine those divorce
reasons for true viability. Then come
back to it that list in a day or so.

Chances are you will be able to
scratch a few of those reasons for
wanting a divorce off the list because
they were identified purely from an
emotional viewpoint rather than logic.

If you are thinking about getting a
divorce, and haven't clearly
identified what reasons you have for
feeling the way you do, you'll be
doing yourself a 'dis-service' if you
act without carefully examining the
viability each designated divorce
reason. Everyone has their own reasons
for wanting a divorce, make sure that
you are certain that your reasons are
truthfully viable to you before you
act on them.

Karl Augustine
Deciding on Divorce

Divorce reasons
About the Author
Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

Marriage, Divorce, and Kids by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

Marriage, Divorce, and Kids by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

Its been said that one of the problems that
married couples have today is that men tend to
choose their wives the same way they choose their
cars or trucks.

They get the best one available and hope that
theres not much maintenance down the road.

While this may occasionally be true, there are
certain practices that married couples must follow
in order to avoid adding to a divorce rate that
hovers around 50%. These are practices that are
essential not only for the success of their
marriage, they are essential for the well-being of
our children.

In Maggie Gallaghers book, The Abolition of
Marriage, she states that, Half of all children
will witness the breakup of a parents marriage.
Of these, close to half will also see the breakup
of a parents second marriage.

Can we possibly continue with a system that allows
half of our children to witness the breakup of
their parents marriage? Is a divorce rate near
50% enough to have us consider new ideas about how
we decide about marriage and divorce?

One logical place to start is to educate people
about the qualities of a successful marriage.

We cant be effective when we educate them two
months before they marry. Emotional intelligence
skills and relationship skills must be taught to
our young people early in life.

When we do teach them about successful relationships,
we should include these qualities:

1.CommitmentAccording to one definition,
commitment is a freely chosen inner resolve to
follow through with a course even though
difficulty arises. How do we show our children
what to do when difficulty arises? Do we move to
where the grass is greener? Commitment is a daily
discipline. Its the core from which we respond to
difficulty. Its what makes our lives richer and
deeper.

2.Emotional AwarenessIf we know whats really
bothering us, we can have effective and meaningful
conversations with our spouse. We can be genuine,
honest, and open with each other. And we can
discover that much of the pain we feel in our
relationship is actually our past emotional
history coming back to haunt us.

If youre planning on getting married someday, be
aware of what your emotional issues are. And if
you dont know what your issues are, you may be
the most likely candidate for a divorce down the
road.

3.Be Kind, Not RightWe tend to have a tremendous
stake in showing our loved ones that were right.
An enormous amount of time is wasted in our
relationships by arguing over whos right or
wrong.

This excessive arguing is just an indication of our
low self-esteem. A much easier and more effective way
to be in a relationship is to commit to kindness. When
youre kind, you dont need to be right. And its much
easier for others to be with you!

There certainly are both justifiable divorces and
well-done divorces that are respectful of the
kids involved. But the number of divorces
involving childish and irresponsible decisions
based on self-interest is staggering.

Children deserve more than this. To allow a system
to continue that has half of our kids witnessing
their parents divorce is to turn our backs on our
most precious commodity.

Its time to consider alternatives. Lets look at
how we can spend more time educating and training
young people about relationship skills and
emotional intelligence. Lets look at the fact
that in about 80% of the divorces in this country,
only one of the participants (usually the woman)
wants to end the marriage. Can we keep no-fault
divorce as it is?

And most importantly, lets look at our own
attitudes about commitment and decide what we want
to do.

Because the cost of not doing these things is
beyond measure.


About the Author
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal
Coach and the author of Fix Your Wife in
30 Days or Less
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/saveyourmarriage.htm
Sign up for his free newsletter, Dads Dont Fix
Your Kids, at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.